My wife got mad at me because I wouldnβt stop singing βIβm a Believerβ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 02 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I'm getting hungry
π︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 28 2021
Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
π︎ 617
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︎ Mar 24 2021
This bloke said to me: βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.β
I said: βIs that a fret?'
π︎ 405
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Iβm flushed
π︎ 183
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︎ Apr 12 2021
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
π︎ 557
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︎ Apr 16 2021
And all the girlies say Iβm
π︎ 41
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︎ Apr 19 2021
I'm reading a book where the main character has a spine injury.
π︎ 276
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︎ Apr 09 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
π︎ 118
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I'm sorry for this
π︎ 538
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 25 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
π︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
π︎ 392
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Idk I'm too single to understand
π︎ 77
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︎ Mar 30 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster
It's just a draft at the moment.
π︎ 297
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
π︎ 68
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︎ Apr 20 2021
And Iβm sure he felt the burn too!
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I'm older that all those falcons...
π︎ 67
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Iβm sure heβs thrilled
π︎ 64
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
π︎ 241
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Two horses in a field, one says to the other βIβm so hungry, I could eat a horseβ
The other replies βmoooβ
π︎ 322
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I'm not prepared
π︎ 86
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︎ Apr 13 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Iβm driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 101
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︎ Mar 27 2021
This one is bad. Iβm so sorry.
π︎ 193
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︎ Mar 19 2021
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 24 2021
A lumberjack was just about to chop down a tree when, miraculously, the tree said, "don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."
π︎ 25
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︎ Apr 13 2021
I'm not sure I am that hungry
π︎ 35
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I'm selling some racing geese
If you want to have a quick gander
π︎ 41
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I'm working hard on something now so I can peacefully do nothing in retirement...
So I'm givin it all for nothing
π︎ 19
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Dad joke but.. I'm a mother..
What Job did Beethoven get after he died?
He decomposed.
π︎ 301
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︎ Feb 24 2021
"Dad, I'm going to take a shower"
π︎ 21
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︎ Apr 19 2021
It's 5AM and I'm still doing my dyslexia homework
I haven't spelt all night.
π︎ 33
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︎ Apr 20 2021
I'm no fan of Indian food
To me, it's a naan starter....
π︎ 14
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︎ Apr 10 2021
I canβt believe Iβm being evicted for telling a joke about a llama
I guess alpaca my bags and leave
π︎ 12
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Iβm saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
Itβs my retirement hedge fund.
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Iβm addicted to salad and Japanese porn
I like Asian dressing and Asian undressing.
π︎ 14
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︎ Apr 24 2021
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I'm here all week! Try the veal!
π︎ 85
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Iβm voting for the Rock for president..
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 12 2021
"Hey dad, I'm trans"
"I have no son"
"Thanks for supporting me"
I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me
Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!
π︎ 251
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Was at a yardsale where someone had Tremors, Footloose, and Friday the 13th. Tonight I'm...
π︎ 16
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︎ Apr 18 2021
BF: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: IβM SORRY]
GF: What's that?
BF: Remorse code.
π︎ 263
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!β I shot back...
π︎ 111
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︎ Mar 29 2021
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