Whatever floats your boat
"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
So I killed two birds with one stone.
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It's sad, but true.
It was a competition to see who was the alpha Romeo.
That stuff is great
Wooden U ?
(This post made me think of it.)
A+ Honorable child
Me : but that’s where I draw the line
but I don't want to get feta.
The first thing your mother did when she was giving birth to you was to push you away.
You should have seen the expression on her face.
Because of all the sand which is there
Lock them both in the garage for 3 hours and see who’s happiest to see you.
I don’t want to miss a thing
My husband is writing a dad joke book, and he's looking for an original joke/pun to use on the cover (must be a clean joke) if you want to get involved hit me with your best dad jokes. The winner will be credited in the book and given a free copy of the book.
The Earth is flat.
It was only later I learned that she was just a Nihilist.
A beloved coworker that always had a dadjoke ready to go suddenly passed recently. We’re ready to grieve him with dadjokes about death. Can your share yours?
I found this one today that I know he would have loved: I hope my coworker is cremated because it’ll be his final chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
Edit: thank you everyone for the dadjokes. Many of these are absolutely dead-on!
If you’re the person at work that greets everyone and has a dadjoke or two, even if people usually groan, you are likely more loved than you know. Keep up the groans!
Ireland. Every year its Dublin.
The Clef Notes
Bowser has a right to freeze Peach.
They do a killer whale impression
… and not using commas.
But a lass, he could not.
It's a dad-joke, or pretty close, and about a dad, but if it's out of place (or too morbid), let me know.
My father died a few years ago. We're a bit classy-ish, but generally not good at being solemn for long. And he was Irish. Loved a bit more drink than was perhaps good for him, although that's not what stopped him. But everyone knew because he would get chatty. Very very chatty. So not a secret, just a quirk.
I told this right after the ceremony, at the post-funeral dinner.
>Dad enjoyed his drinks. I hear he was cremated. It took them three days to put the fire out.
Fortunately, the family loved it.
So much for the Speaker of the House.
They did unspeakable things to me.
An English landlady was in love with two of her tenants, both of them playwrights. She couldn’t choose which one she wanted more, so she decided to let fate decide. She baked five pastries, poisoned one, and gave them to her lovers, intending to be with the one who survived. However, her plan didn’t work out because the two decided to share the last pastry, the poisoned one, and both died. The police arrested her for killing two bards with one scone.
Elmer asks: “is this whisky?” “Yes”, says Daffy, “but not as whisky as wobbing a bank.”
Little Caesars
He'll be transparent
Rocks that miss are called meteowrongs.
How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?
Which is concerning because I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Q. Why was a frog flying?A. Because he ate a helium baloon.Q. Then why was a snake flying?A. Because it ate the flying frog.Q. Then why was the eagle flying?A. Because it has wings
"I dont know what happens after death but im dying to find out"
It was more of a fanta sea.
As we were leaving for our respective jobs, the opportunity presented itself thus:
Wife: My bike seat is a bit dewy.
Me: At least it'll be easy to sort.
I had to remind her that she has a library science degree before she got it...
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Me: My wife yesterday was all on my case. "You'll never get a car made out of spaghetti to work!" she says. Man - y'all should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Friend 1: Oof - seriously. You should see if you can get supplements for that bad-joke problem.
Me: Maybe I'll try some vitamins. I'll grab some B2, B3, B5, and B6. Gonna skip B4 - that's in the past.
Friend 1: If I stop setting these up will you just, you know, stop?
Me: I tried Omega3 before, but the benefits were Super Fish Oil.
Friend 2: How do I unsubscribe from this group text?
Me: Maybe I can order some Vitamin C from a Mexican website. That means "Vitamin Yes" in Spanish, right?
Friend 1: Dead. I'm dead here. You've killed me. And humor.
Me: Actually my doctor said I should be eating more citrus fruits. Oranges, specifically. He also said I needed to drop some pounds. He said it was the "Weight and C" approach.
Friend 2: You're looking these up.
Me: Not all of them. I mean, I did get some of them from this big dictionary I have. It's pun-abridged.
Friend 1: If I had to grade these jokes, you'd get a Vitamin D. That's a 1.0 GPA.
Me: I'm going to have to put those grades up for adoption. I don't think I'll be able to raise them.
Friend 1: D-
Me: Maybe I should look into becoming a marine biologist as a career. Since my grades are so far below "C" level.
Friend 2: JFC. Is there any way to make it stop?
Me: Nope! I'm PUN-STOPPABLE!
In all fairness, I had heard most of these before (I have loved puns since college) but this was the first time I've gotten a good long run in a single pass. Also this is nearly-verbatim. I removed a couple identifying things and re-ordered a few of the messages for clarity of response.
...I love that one MORE!
I may have lost my virginity but I still have the box that it came in.
