If they used to film all these T.V. shows "before a live studio audience", what did they do after the audience got there?
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalconerGuitars
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
🚨︎ report
From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?

Because he lived in a pen!

So very proud!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soaraf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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My housemates are convinced the house is haunted

I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimalexp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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In college, my roommates and I were so broke that we couldn’t pay our electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*

Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"

Me: "Oh, why?"

Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The fly fishing tournament will not have spectators this year.

But it will be LIVE STREAMED.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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I have a buddy who is a prominent geologist, but outside of work, he's very lazy and inactive.

He lives a sedimentary lifestyle

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sillymonkey829
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I was offered to have a street named after me, but I said no because I remembered

No one crosses me and lives

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldHamToasty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Friend: β€œMy doctor said I had to give up playing the drums.” Me: β€œWhy?”

Friend: β€œHe lives in the apartment below me.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the lumberjack get back with his divorced wife?

Because he can't live without his ex

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragon_Skywalker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are all archeologists depressed?

Because their lives are in ruins

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Every morning, my neighbour gets on his tractor and starts yelling β€œThe end is near!”

I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.

One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.

It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.

The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.

The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_jq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
The Queen Mary & The Queen Elizabeth 2

Since you guys like one liners, I thought you’d live two liners.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devoutsalsa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend, who is the downstairs neighbors to Dwayne Johnson, doesn't know about the new Godzilla movie

Apparently he'd been living under the rock the whole time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shoor_veer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
They say sex at 45 is amazing..

which is cool because i only live 3 doors down.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8bitPete
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Clown Fish talking to Jelly Fish...

"I have to live in a Sea Anemone to keep me safe from preditors"

Jelly Fish shows off its tanticles; "With fronds like these, who needs Anemones."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living of taxes, for not paying taxes?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?

After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.

My son sighs and says, "the living room."

High five buddy, you got me.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ex_oh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Somewhere, between murder, and suicide........

There is a place called Merseyside - Milton Jones at the Apollo live

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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My son came in and asked me, "Why did the I turn into a frog?

Because he lives at I-hop.

(He was so proud of his dad joke, he asked me to post it... lol)

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Selden007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad has been going through a lot of hard ships lately…

He dismantles them for a living.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nationaltd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slcikdeaaal
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Help me with a name!!!

Hi guys! I’m opening and Etsy shop with my sisters selling stickers (for all ages). There’s 3 of us, we live on the south shore, Massachusetts by the beach. Looking for a punny name!!! Help me out :)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cwinnett33
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Give me your best duck puns

I live for them, they quack me up. Give me what y'all got >:)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HartzelloS
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What's got three legs...

...a yellow belly, a red back, lives underground, and eats rocks?

A Three Legged Yellow Bellied Red Back Rock Eater!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Egyptian crocodile do with the problems in his life?

Nothing, he lived in da-nile

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Breachx4002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can’t the crocodile get it up?

He has ereptile dysfunction and lives in Lake Flaccid

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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John Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruit only diet...

He's living on a pear.

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Need your best rock/stone based puns

I play dnd and my bard is very annoyed, that our party's druid, who is an earth genasi (appearance was described as a living statue)) won't give anyone his name.

So my bard will only address them with rock based puns until they properly introduce themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Biden will NEVER, EVER be my president

because I live in Canada.

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Only-Lurk-SRD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a cake for my cake day

The recipe said to separate two eggs, so I put one in the living room...

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/radiofirey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 745
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a genuine question

Jen, you in the living room?

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobby_vance
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Wanna hear something ironic?

Dying in a living room.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I realized today the life of a blood cell is truly futile..

After all, it lives its whole life in vein

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobby_pendragon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.

If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy on my street holds the world record for most concussions

He only lives a stone's throw away

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
You know the difference

Between a politician and a lawyer. One tells lies for a living the other makes a life out of lying.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordmage18
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
So I brought a tree home for Christmas

My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"

I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.

He lives just a stone throw away.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do seagulls live by the sea?

If they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garth177
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report

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