So I walk into the kitchen and see my Dad grab a big knife to cut some vegetables. "Whoa Dad, thought you just drew a knife on me." He proceeds to grab a sharpie and draw a knife on my forearm, then continues his vegetable chopping.
Me: When did my resume learn to talk?
I asked her, "Who's Literally?"
A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Because they don't believe in a higher power.
They just ransomware.
The ICU
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
...would be preposterous
Many of his workers had to Elf Isolate.
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Carbon Dioxide
when she went into labor. (She was not impressed.)
Jerry can.
Toof hurty
My thoughts are with his family.
In the dark.
My dad literally just said this to me, so I felt it was appropriate to post.
...their Endor pets.
The new campaign is a killer
...And It's Disguising.
