True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
The Heinz company came out with a pair of eyeglasses.

They claim it will make your vision 57/57

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Here is the list of heart, liver and kidney donors arranged in alphabetical order.

Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company...

I'm the main stake holder.

πŸ‘︎ 624
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I proposed to my girlfriend, who is the VP of marketing at her company.

I got zero engagement.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What kinds of countries do soft drink companies make?

Carbo Nations!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
After a Viagra salesman died from the effects of the drug, the company gifted his family a casket of a new, high-end material.

They call it mourning wood.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay-overthinks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do companies prefer people with only one arm instead of people with both arms?

Because people with only one arm can do everything single-handedly

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YATALAX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
The benefits of beer listed in bullet pints:

🍺 Beer is more nutritious than other alcoholic drinks.

🍺 Beer can help protect your heart.

🍺 Beer helps prevent kidney stones.

🍺 Beer lowers bad cholesterol.

🍺 Beer strengthens your bones.

🍺 Beer helps reduce stress.

🍺 Beer may help improve memory.

🍺 Beer helps cognitive function.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
  1. alright
  2. alright
  3. alright
  4. alright
  5. alright
  6. alright
  7. alright
  8. alright
  9. alright
  10. absoutely briliant
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skycam3014
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m thinking of starting an innovative condom manufacturing company.

Decided to call it Lay Techs.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adamantcondition
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What shoe company brought back the popularity of baroque music?

Reebok (re-Bach)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koany2012
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a scandal concerning a rich engineer where the list of accusations only gets longer and longer over time?

Elongate

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thatyougoon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...

He makes a bundle!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs

Number 3 will shock you

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkRar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks β€œWhat are you counting?”

And the guy says β€œhow many tattoos I have now”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deepsea333
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Top Dad Jokes list, some of the best ones:

One, ein, un, bat, ekab, moja, wahed, odin, yski

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ice-_-Bear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a list of puns/bad jokes for every U.S. President reddit.com/gallery/jw48pr
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThackerOpinions
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My town throws a festival for the salmon spawn each year. This is what they call companies that contribute a significant amount of money.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBrontosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of rebranding my company as Gametes

I've heard sex cells.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NehEma
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to invest in one of those junk removal companies.

No matter what happens with the economy, their business always seems to be picking up.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChetRipley
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.

I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iambaney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was in the band mood but I had a list of 10 puns to try to cheer him up.

But No pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterDragonIron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Just dad joked the owner of my company

So I'm normally an electrician by trade, but work has been slow lately, so I've been helping one of his friends with some of the concrete work in a small housing development close to the shop. Well he came out and started talking to me about what I've gotten done since this morning, I told him and he goes "This is getting you great electrical experience!" I kinda laugh and reply back "Yeah, I'm learning all about grounding." He turned and walked away, but I about died laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnybanana88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an important message to the staff of a building materials company?

An announcement

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Now’s your time to shine

Hope this is okay, but I write a new joke every week on a white board at work and I’ve run out of good ones. If you feel it’s relevant, I work for a roofing/siding company. Give me your best shot. I will reply if I find one to add to my list.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LadyBratcher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
A man in a drug trial died from a complication which dissolved his pneumogastric nerve, the coroner listed the cause of death as...

"in vivo lost vagus"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Apple as a company does a lot of good things

but at their core they are seedy as hell.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeusJZ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard a large oil company is making fuel out of bug urine...

I think it’s BP.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
  1. great

  2. great

  3. great

  4. great

  5. great

  6. great

  7. great

  8. great

  9. great

  10. An absolute cracker

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a group of apes start a company?

Monkey business

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company

They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trevhaar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't the mailman like the Dogecoin?

He's afraid of getting Bitcoin

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StoopSign
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend just became CEO of a garbage bag company.

He got a Hefty contract.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a Crypto trader recover from a bad loss?

With some hair of the Doge that Bitcoin

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agedbuttle
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I came across a list of ingredients to make plastic explosives.

I thought to myself, "Boy this looks like a real recipe for disaster!"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of insurance do candles companies get?

Waxident insurance...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SillyTrain
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
One of the founders of a large company called Aloecorp, Inc. recently got divorced

His wife is seeking aloemoney

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company.

I'm the main stake holder.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company....

I am now the main stake holder.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of starting a candle making company.

My family doesn't think it's a good idea, but I keep assuring them it makes scents.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm starting a company of recycling chewing gum,

I just need some help to get it off the ground

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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