When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.
It was the list I could do
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
The ceiling is not my favourite part of the house.
But it's definitely up there...
Here's a joke my daughter just told me, so proud of her! A guy walked into a house when the owners were home. He pulled out a gun and shot them in the head, but no one died. Why not?
Because they were in the living room.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.
...It was Kief or Southernland
My dog peed on my list of favorite businesses in the city
Now what’s left is Yellow Pages
Why did the baseball player leave to go to his moms house in the middle of the game?
It's an Archie Bunker! I built a replica of the All in the Family house INSIDE a giant basement in the Sims 4.
reddit.com/gallery/mv4w82
Nurse: Here is the list of heart, liver and kidney donors arranged in alphabetical order.
Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
A writer on The Good Place submitted the following list of restaurant name puns with the script for her episode. It includes gems like "Squab Goals" and "Pie Another Day."
twitter.com/meganamram/st…
Apparently, the producers of The Flintstones were planning to make one final episode where Fred’s brother marries Barney’s brother.
It was cancelled because it was the 60s and Americans weren’t yet ready to have a gay old time.
You come to the end of the road. North of you is the red house, west is the green house, east is the blue house. Where is the white house?
In the French Court of Louis XIV, going to the bathroom happened all over the place, but loud farting was really stigmatized. So people experiencing gas had to rush to a specifically appointed room called the...
On which side of the earth should you build a house?
What kind of slippers does Aquaman wear around the house?
I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
When no one is around, I would loudly describe the process of cutting down a single tree.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...
Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
A great dad joke I just heard in an episode of The Sopranos
Tony Soprano: So your father tells me you’re taking up Astronomy in college.
Kevin Bonpensiero: No, business.
Tony Soprano: Well how come he keeps saying you’re taking up space in school?
I was experimenting with the power grid of my house
The results were shocking
The benefits of beer listed in bullet pints:
🍺 Beer is more nutritious than other alcoholic drinks.
🍺 Beer can help protect your heart.
🍺 Beer helps prevent kidney stones.
🍺 Beer lowers bad cholesterol.
🍺 Beer strengthens your bones.
🍺 Beer helps reduce stress.
🍺 Beer may help improve memory.
🍺 Beer helps cognitive function.
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
I'm thinking about covering the outside of my house in unhatched chickens
My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs
Top Dad Jokes list, some of the best ones:
One, ein, un, bat, ekab, moja, wahed, odin, yski
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
Locked myself out of the house today...
Thankfully, l was able to open the door, by talking to it...
Communication is key.
Which pasta gets locked out of the house? —Technically a wife joke.
My wife often uses the promise of raunchy sex to get little jobs done around the house.
If Trump is afraid and hiding in the White House because of the protestors....
Does this make it a chicken coup?
My girlfriend and I only watch the first two-thirds of every Great British Baking Show episode.
The final challenge is a real showstopper.
What’s a drug addicts favourite part of decorating the ginger bread house?
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.
...It was Kief or Southernland.
If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.
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