Is it the tar that smells like farts?
I have noticed that my dog likes it when the collar is very tight.
Turns out he is a 50 shades of greyhound.
My wife uses nasal spray a lot, to the point we think she is addicted to it. I tried to send her to rehab, but she didn't like it.
She said it was just a bunch of stuffy people.
What I don't like about rain is its attitude...
Is it just me or does Wisconsin always smell like ass?
I assume its because of all the dairy air.
Why is it so hard to get a date with a girl who likes horses?
Because she is already in a stable relationship...
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.
I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"
This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)
You might not like it, but this is what beak performance looks like...
Out air conditioning just went out, it's 81°F in the house. My dog is looking at me like...
It always sounds like my Italian neighbor is calling my doorbell cute.
He insist it is adoorabell.
Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."
But that's just generally speaking.
The IT department is like a bra...
IT supports your most important assets.
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
This Holiday season it seems like everyone is spending a lot of money and buying cars.
I keep hearing everyone say they are buying their kids a toy yoda.
I hate it when people ask me,”what do you think the future is going to be like?”
Stone Cold tells it like it is
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist...
My friend is a know it all who likes to be right always. So he has dollar bills embedded in his shoes.
He has to be on the money.
A better joke may be doable. It's left as an exercise for the reader.
If someone doesn't like the Gru format, is it a Despicable meme?
My daughter said to me "Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?"
I said "It's growing on me."
I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1,2,3,4..." and I don't think he'll like it.
But it's the thot that counts.
what is six inches long with a head on it ,that women like to blow?
Taken from r/memes but I feel like it is a pun tho
How easy is it to make sweet food look like savoury food?
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.
Joining Reddit is like watching an episode of Who's line is it Anyway
You'll soon learn that the points don't matter
"Is it weird if I really like the mountains that separate Europe from Asia?"
Why is a chicken with its head hanging down like next week?
Obviously, because its necks weak
If we think something is ridiculous we like to say "I'll believe it when pigs fly"
But we all know swine flu
Doctor: it seems like your cough is getting better
Patient: yeah, I spent all night practising
It looks like the president is...
At home my father desses like my mother and my mother dresses like my father, this is what it looks like.
What is it like to see a beautiful person stand on a scale?
Why doesn't five like seven when it is not well?
Because sick seven ate nine.
I really like answering the door when I know who it is that's knocking.
This pun is like my vacuum cleaner. It blows a lot of hot air, but ends up sucking.
What is it like at a Mexican jail?
I don't know, I've never been to juan.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Is it just me, or do people like to single themselves out?
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