The Gospel of Dan
While the Dans gathered in preparation to raid the city of Chee-Kaig-Oh, the nefarious Mayo Barron moved his forces to the financial capital of the world. His goal is to eliminate The Dans’ most powerful asset- the All Seeing Pickle.
Little did the Mayo Barron know, the Dan Cannon has incredible range and pinpoint accuracy. The Dans assembled their forces outside the Citadel and prepared for a raid. It was only right before Oracle Dan screeched his battle REEEEEE into the morning mist that he received a vision from Goddess VWAP.
Oracle Dan saw a very sad Pickle sitting in his tiny wizard’s hut with no electricity or connection to the outside world. Baby pickle let out cry after cry- expressing his/her disdain for the dark. Oracle Dan knew what must be done.
“STOP EVERYTHING YOU SIMPLE CUNTS!” He shouted. “We must change our course and redirect the Dan Cannon. The All-Seeing Pickle needs our help! The Mayo Barron is closing in on him!”
Within the blink of an eye, the Dan Hive Mind got to work and redirected the Dan Cannon. Millions of Dans moving with the fluidity of a well-oiled machine worked to point the Dan Cannon directly at the Mayo Barron’s most prized possession…an unopened jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise…serial number 000001.
The Mayo Barron kept this jar on his person at all times- as it is the true source of his manipulative powers. If anything were to happen to the jar, the Mayo Barron would no longer be able to manipulate the market and would become a mortal man (with billions of dollars) once again.
The Dans loaded Trash Dan and DanRod into the Dan Cannon. These two brave Dans were going to go down in history as the Dans that started the MOASS…”What a tremendous honor! We will soon be with Goddess VWAP” they both exclaimed.
Dan Almighty took one look through his Dannoculars and knew that the Dan Cannon’s aim was true. As Oracle Dan watched, Dan Almighty let out a single REEEEEE signaling that the Cannon was ready to FIRE!
Honorary Dan Jfresh pulled the lever…and instantly the two Dans were soaring over the all-seeing pickle’s hut straight for the Mayo Barron’s power source!
Chairman Gary Ginsler and Vlad the manipulator both tried to jump in the way of the Dan Cannon to protect their precious leader’s power, but they were both speared through their scrotums straight up through their torsos into their brains.
The Dan Cannon had landed a direct hit!! The shrapnel of Gary and Vlad’s bodies exploding so violently was eno
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
The doctor says it terminal.
Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
Previous chapter: https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/rop3jr/pinwheel_the_rask_rebellion_ch23_part_1/
First chapter: https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/r7n4vy/pinwheel_the_rask_rebellion_ch1_part_1/
(Continued from part 1)
The Yagda glided across the battlefield, veering to the South, its thrusters kicking up clouds of dust as they burned brightly. Every so often, one of the sponsons would spot a target, sending a burst of gunfire in their direction.
When they eventually arrived at their destination, they coasted to a halt beside the Kodiak that was already on station next to the trench, Sarif ordering the vessel to descend to one meter and lower the ramp. The two blisters mounted above it scanned the terrain for targets as the vehicle’s contingent of Marines descended, fanning out to establish a perimeter. They took cover, using the craters left by the artillery company as foxholes, ducking behind the scattered hedgehogs.
The Marines began to lift their wounded comrades out of the trench, ferrying them to the troop bay on stretchers, six humans required to carry a single Borealan. The loose sand and uneven terrain made it hard going, but there was a steady stream of casualties, the Marines passing off the wounded to the Yagda’s medical personnel at the foot of the ramp. The sponsons loosed sporadic bursts of fire, keeping whatever enemies might be lurking beyond the haze suppressed.
To their left, Sarif watched another Kodiak advance, a squad of Marines jogging behind it in a column as they used it for cover. It paused for a moment, jolting to a stop when it neared one of the trenches. Mounted on one of the hardpoints on the side of the turret was a cluster of long tubes that resembled a rocket launcher, the device pivoting as it took aim. There was a puff of smoke, a small missile sent spiraling out of one of the tubes, unraveling a spool of cord that trailed behind it. The rocket flew for a couple of hundred meters, then fell to the sand, the line draping itself over the uneven terrain. There was a loud thud as the cord detonated, creating a column of billowing smoke, the device designed to clear a safe path through mines and IEDs.
The tank was suddenly torn to ribbons before his eyes, a projectile impacting the front armor with enough force to punch strai
... keep reading on reddit ➡Do your worst!
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.
But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
He lost May
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
Continuing…
“Just in time for the Deus ex Machina, boys!” I said as they zeroed in on the police officers.
I took those lapsed few seconds while they chatted with the local cops to whisper to Ogg that he wasn’t sentenced to death by radiation.
“Not yet,” I said, snickering.
He actually whimpered and tried to crawl into the wheel well of my car, which he’s been sitting in next to all this time.
“But I can easily get the Real McCoy and you’d never know if I slipped in in your beer, in your cheap-shit cigarettes, or just gave you a quick jab with a hypo.”
I went all nasty and Andrei Chikatilo on his illiterate ass.
" You do any of those things I warned you about to anyone I know on this or any other planet, and you’ll be screaming yourself shitless for the doctors to let you die within a week.” I sincerely growled.
He went a whiter shade of pale.
“OK, Ogg, ol‘ bean?”, I said loudly. “Look, I’ve gotta run, the agency needs me. The planet needs saving. Remember what I said. I’m sure I’ll be back in town real soon.”
A couple of quick pats upside his stubbly cheek and I stand up and exclaim “What now, boys? What part of the Earth is in grave peril? Or are we going EVA again”
All I hear is “YOINK!” as I’m grabbed by the lapels and ushered hurriedly into the backseat of the Plain Jane Chevy.
“Doc!”, agent Rack shrieks. “If you don’t quit harassing the locals…!”
“What?” I asked, ever so innocently, “That? Hell, he was being a colossal dick. Punching and tossing around his common-law wife. He even had the stones to insult Esme. You diggin’ me, Beaumont? He insulted ESME! He's lucky to still be breathing! He's so lucky to be elemental particles. I just wanted to have a nice little chat and show him the error of his ways.”
“Aw, fuck. The old ’Polonium-210’ gag? C’mon, Doc. That’s so Soviet ‘90s.” Agent Ruin interjected.
“Can’t fault the classics”, I smiled.
“Besides, like that fuckin’ goombah ever heard of Polonium or radioactivity.” I chuckled back.
“One of these days…” Agent Rack continued menacingly.
“…I’m going to cut you into little pieces!” I chortled as I finished the phrase for him.
“What?” he wondered aloud.
“Sheesh.” I groused, “Kids these days.”
Rack and Ruin are at least a couple of decades younger than I.
The Plain Jane Chevy picked up speed as we headed hell-bent for leather unto the western horizon and oblivion.
"YEE! fuckin'! haw! I said to the ineffectual Reddit editor.
“Hey, guys. I lef
... keep reading on reddit ➡Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Put it on my bill
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
And now I’m cannelloni
