It's a scientific fact it's lighter.
They call it the señor citizens’ discount.
There’s no buzz around it.
Seems like the sock market has crashed
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Butane, because it's lighter fluid...
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Winning by forfeit
Guess I broke the record
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
... but she got touchy about it.
I was like, 0mg!
She wondered what the bass salary is.
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
So I started smoking with my left hand.
Colleagues are calling me Shelldon now
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un
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It seems he wasn't very poplar, and is now deciduously less alive. If he returns from the dead, he'll definitely be pining for revenge.
you have more bath room but less bathroom.
What a faminest.
Because it's Cactus not cacti
They were less Paul.
We had a little girl at 34 weeks. She was very fussy and the nurse called her a little diva.
I responded with, “More like a preemie-Donna”
The wife groaned and rolled her eyes.
The nurse asked for permission to use that since we were in the NICU.
I made it, fellas.
Oh, and mom and baby are doing well!
Current events make it less attractive.
All hail The Double Pun. Mic drop
I read that somewhere.
It was a fruit-less search
The man who made it was Tailor Swift
The US needs less writing off death, more writing off debt
I'd guess that it's less than you paid for it.
There is absolutely no need to be afraid of home.
I can’t even find agus, much less a spare.
He said it was the best "Indian nipple-less 500" he's ever seen!
- side note he actually said this to me and I don't know whether to be annoyed or impressed for such a reach.
Turn 11.
My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
No, that would be radicchio-less.
If you cut a hole in a net, the net has less holes
Nickel-less Cage
She says she has Anorexia
because there is less stygma to stamen.
When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.
With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.
Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.
“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!
Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.
“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?
“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!
And asks the proprietor if she could recommend a bird cage. The shopkeeper replies that she has both plastic and metal varieties.
“Well what kind of metal is used in the metal one?” he asks?
“I’m not sure. Aluminum, I think,” she responds.
“Do you happen to know if it contains any nickel?”
“No, I don’t believe it does,” she answers, looking puzzled.
“Ah,” says the man. “So what you’re saying is that it’s a nickel-less cage.”
I do love me some cow tipping.
He became a better bettor.
A drunk guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?" "I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?" "I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
They’re hibernating.
Seems like its a... Logical thing to do
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket.
I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong.
He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
Nickel-less Cage!
Because of the Señors discount.
It was literally a Tomb In It job
I’m more of a so-so path.
They aren’t having a gay old time anymore.
Please don't be offended by this, I'm a lesbian myself.
People get easily offended that's why I'm saying this
Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
- How would you describe a dad joke?
- Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
- You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?
Only apply if:
- You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
- You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
- You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
- You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
- You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
- You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
- You've got some automod experience
- You've got some sub-customisation experience
Don't apply if:
- You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
- You're more concerned about Internet points than real people
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
Saint Nickel-less!
Then I thought, "stop judging yourself, you bastard!"
He didn't even care
The cops said the less assault the better
But he was nicholas.
It had no porpoise
Do tires ever get tired? Or they just roll it?
I couldn't find a home for this in r/Showerthoughts or r/WordAvalanches so I'm putting it here. I hope it doesn't suck.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Then it's only a carton.
Yes. It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.
I was like 0mg
