If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Why does the rockstar only eats fish?

Because its a source of heavy metals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capetoider
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomjimmerjome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Why skeletons can't go outside and have fun?

Because they don't have any body to go with.

Source: Borrowed from r/UncleJokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danuser8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, β€œA can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!

A pic for anyone who wants to see it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kileni
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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A waiter asks the "How did you find your steak, Sir?"

Me: I just looked next to the mash potatoes and there it was!

Source: tedthestoner2.0.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jabhiram
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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My girlfriend said if I don’t marry her then she’ll destroy my hearing

It’s a wife or deaf situation

Credit for idea: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/l5550w/my_girlfriend_says_if_we_dont_get_married_soon/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chillie43
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...

I don't think anyone is shocked.

(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/christag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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So proud of my 3 year old daughter... her first dad joke. β€œHey Dad, why did the duck cross the road?”

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EagleTG
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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I made a meme on r/golf. It slow rolls a dadjoke. Please enjoy.

Link to post

Please know the scorecard isn't mine. I shamelessly stole that from google search.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Purdueblue17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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i have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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At our restaurant, we make sure to buy our pickled cabbage from a variety of vendors.

We've discovered the value of kraut sourcing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpulentTooth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Microwave

(noun) A hand gesture used by a midget as a greeting.

Cool, that midget over there just gave me a microwave!

^{Source: ^Bullwade ^Anguish ^Dictionary}

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinBender
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says...

Can you make me one with everything?

https://www.reddit.com/r/WatchPeopleDieInside/comments/kb2m9o/most_successful_joke_ever/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ug61dec
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.

Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Some Christmas Dad Jokes

Why are Santas reindeer generally drenched with water?

Because they are rain-deer.

Why did Santa have to visit the psychologist?

He had low elf esteem.

source

Why are Christmas trees so uncoordinated when it comes to sewing?

They always drop their needles.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a hungry mosquito?

Frostbite

​What did Adam say to Eve on the night before Christmas day?

It's Christmas Eve!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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So, a boy tells a girl a joke...

He says "what do you call it when an environmentalist sets a forest on fire?"

She says "I don't know."

He says "Treeson." The girl laughs

He follows saying "Yknow, if you'd like more of these jokes, I got them from a cool source if you're interested."

The girl says "Yes, I'm interested."

The boy then replies "Good to know SOMEONE is interested in me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicholas-Pressey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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As a journalist, I love going to McDonalds.

There's nothing better than a secret source.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

Source - from the jokes forum.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?

To beat the crowd.

Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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What do you call someone who can conjure up compressed files?

A source-a-rar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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A baby born now, in 2033, will be a...

Quaran-teen

Source: My local mechanic, bless his heart

http://imgur.com/gallery/XYWedTN

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoneBullseye
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

(sourced from r/Jokes by u/Deadly_R)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecursiveRickRoll
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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(Credit to u/Anon8627) My mum said I'm terrible with directions
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Python119
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Found this post and I just can't stop laughing (LINK BELOW)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydropowerEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikthise042
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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People say that dad jokes aren't very clever.

But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/picturelife
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?

Because its non stick.

Source: my actual Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LippyHippy23
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Do you know what 50 cent did when he was hungry?

58

Source: https://twitter.com/mskaybelle/status/1269123905870053376?s=19

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alkedi44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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"Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Hatch."

"Hatch who?"

"Bless you!"

Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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10 Stupid Puns
  1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

  2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

  3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But IΒ mistΒ my chance. I guess I couldΒ dewΒ itΒ tomorrow!

  4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

  5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

  6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

  7. Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

  8. I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!

  9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

  10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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What did the bald guy say when he got a comb for his birthday?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it.

(Source - me. It’s my cake day and I’m bald!)

Actually it’s a meme my crazy aunt posted on FB page for me today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hombredelgato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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5 Cringey Puns

(Sorry For Not Posting, I Was Busy)

  1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

  2. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

  3. Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

  4. I didn't use to care much for most puns but over time some of them have groan on me.

  5. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

(Source For All Puns: https://www.punoftheday.com/cgi-bin/disppuns.pl?ord=F&cat=0&sub=0&page=1)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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In the spirit of sharing our kids attempts at dad jokes,

My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:

Pitcher this, you’re standing on a mound.

I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, she’s giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.

Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnionShanty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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There was a huge fire at the circus last night!

It was in tents!

Source: facebook Dad Jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?

Well, that seals the deal!

It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NePasToucher
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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This guy in r/aww is one of us.

https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/j5h6z7/who_says_you_need_10_fingers_to_be_perfect_we/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahaggardcaptain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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Because I am not allowed to post media

https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/ii7t65/his_jokes_arent_always_bad/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dark_boy_vasu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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They were in the same damn box!

We will never know!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Donald, Duck" anymore when the president is about to be attacked

But their grandchildren still listen, in spite of rule 4, because hearing dear old grand-da be excited about his stories is just so sweet, whether he remembers tellin them or not

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The__Odor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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An interesting title

https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/g8vr7z/pack_and_move/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWildNazis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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