Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Let me tell you what I know about dwarves
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Me: I'm much better at making Mac and cheese, and you know why that is?
Wife: I'm going to regret this. Why?
Me: I'm cheesier than you.
Wife: ...
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︎ Jan 02 2021
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itβs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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︎ Nov 29 2020
My dad just asked me, βDo you know why dolphins swim?β
βThey swim for a porpoiseβ
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︎ Nov 27 2020
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..
He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
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︎ Nov 03 2020
You know what really blows me away?
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︎ Sep 18 2020
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
*sighs* You know what melancholy flowers make me think of?
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
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︎ Sep 09 2020
You know what makes me smile?
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Someone asked me today "you know how much 100 feet is?"
I said "yeah about 50 people"
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︎ Aug 07 2020
I boasted to my son, "Did you know scientists discovered that the brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born?" He rolled his eyes and ignored me, but I carried on...
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︎ Aug 25 2020
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
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︎ Mar 13 2020
*Me every time we pass a cow pasture* βDid you know those are award winning cows?β
Theyβre out standing in their field
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︎ Jul 14 2020
Dad, showing me his pinky : "Did you know that the Chinese don't have that finger ?" Me : "What ? No." Dad : "wanna know why ?" Me: "yeah"
It's because it's MY pinky.
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︎ Apr 22 2019
Do you know what makes me cross?
When the signal changes to a man walking.
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︎ Jun 04 2020
I know it's bad but leaf me alone... you're the root of all my problems.
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︎ Feb 07 2020
You know what drives me nuts?
Blue diamond delivery trucks.
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︎ Apr 26 2020
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really?
Me: Yes.
George Foreman: How so?
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︎ Jul 07 2019
I know you won't believe me, but its two
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︎ Oct 16 2018
You know what makes me uncomfortable?
Clothes that are too tight.
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︎ Apr 24 2020
Second joke my dad ever told me, which I later found out he stole from Carlin: you know how you can tell when a moth farts?
It flies in a straight line.
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︎ May 22 2020
Me: Dad, do you know any jokes about sodium?
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︎ Feb 01 2020
I told my friend I donβt see color. He was shocked and said,βBut youβve known me for forever and youβre saying you donβt know Iβm black?β Then I said,
βI donβt know man, you look kinda gray to me.β
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︎ Apr 26 2020
The army came today to draft me, you know what I did?
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︎ Jan 06 2020
A policeman stopped me in my car and said βExcuse me sir. Do you know this is a one way street?β
βYes officer, Iβm only going one wayβ. I replied.
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︎ Apr 02 2020
Doctor: You have a severe iron deficiency. Me: How did you know? I just walked in!
Doctor: Your shirt is all wrinkled.
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︎ Aug 02 2018
Thank you for letting me know
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︎ Oct 05 2019
My dad: You know what they say... A Mayan is a terrible thing to waste. Me: Who says that?
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︎ Feb 08 2020
My Dad told me this one while at dinner. "You know what the leading cause of dry skin is?"
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︎ Nov 05 2018
Darlings you got to let me know. Should I shave or should I grow? If I shave there could be stubble, and if I grow it could be double. So cβmon and let me know ohhhh..
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︎ Mar 13 2019
My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?
First off a six-parter
- If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left?
A: 499
- How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process
A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
- How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process
A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
- All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not?
A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
- A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across?
A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
- As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how?
A: the rock fell on her head.
No 2
A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round.
He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool.
Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon.
Looks good.
The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy".
How did he know?
A: he was wearing a naval uniform.
Anyone know similar nonsense?
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︎ Sep 21 2019
My twin brother called me from prison. He said βso you know how we always finish each otherβs sentencesβ
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︎ Sep 22 2019
I was at dinner and me and my brother were having a debate and he said βYou know what would suckβ
And my dad yelled βA straw!!β
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︎ Oct 20 2019
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
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︎ Sep 17 2019
My grandad of 85 sent me these today. Runs in the family. (Last one is funny if you know Hindi)
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︎ Jan 28 2019
How do you know if a Tickle Me Elmo works?
Give it a couple test-tickles!
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︎ Oct 09 2019
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itβs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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︎ Jun 26 2020
You know what actually makes me smile?
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︎ Aug 05 2019
You know what drives me nuts?
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︎ Jun 13 2020
Do you know what makes me smile? Facial muscles
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︎ Nov 01 2019
Doctor: I think you have severe iron deficiency. Me: How do you know?? I just walked in!
Doctor: Your clothes are all wrinkled.
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︎ Jan 25 2020
Do you know what really makes me laugh? Facial muscles.
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︎ Nov 01 2019
You know what makes me me smile?
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︎ Oct 06 2019
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