Why won't swords go obsolete?

They are cutting edge technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/U-r-a-bus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The Covid19 situation has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear social distancing measures will push someone over the edge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissMoops
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?

It's cutting-edge technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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I ran into Bono this morning

He said "Don't push me, I'm close to the Edge".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irsh94
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I got innovative nail clippers for Christmas.

They’re cutting edge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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How do we know that the earth isn't flat?

If it was, cats would have knocked everything off the edge already.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time

It had cutting edge technology

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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The new Windows update deleted Microsoft Edge

We could say it's a cutting edge techology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/3sxNatuu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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Today, I got kicked out of my "Flat Earth" Facebook group...

I just wanted to know if the '6 feet apart' social distancing guideline was pushing anyone over the edge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuckDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
So if you get knighted by Bill Gates

Does that make you an edge lord?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CeMaRiS1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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I'm worried about my friends in the Flat Earth club

Social distancing has really pushed some of them over the edge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JhopkinsWA
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and place a pea at the edge of the hole. Then you hide. When the polar bear stops to take a pea you kick it in the ice hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trusti360
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I've been on edge today searching for the answer.

I usually use Chrome, but today I'm on Edge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clit_or_us
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I have asked my wife to use chrome rather than other web browsers

I just don't like to see her on edge so much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tommigord
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Horror movies keep ghosts...

...on the edge of their sheet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Namdnas78
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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There is a lot of concern amongst the flat earth brigade with regards social distancing.

They’re worried it’s going to push people over the edge......

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrP8978
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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What happened to r/flatearthscience?

2020 pushed them over the edge.

(Actual post and comment from r/conspiracy. Just thought it belonged here!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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There’s a tool for every job

At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.

Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled β€œHeater?”.

Gary replies, β€œYeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear-juniper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes. You line up peas around the edge. When an elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CASchryver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Why do people love knives ?

They’re cutting edge technology

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDtheboss89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not brave enough to discover new things in the real world, so I decided to be an Internet Explorer instead.

Sadly even that was to Edge-y for me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?

Cutting-edge technology.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are goats considered an advanced species?

They're always living on the bleating edge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sid8tive
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice

I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...

PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Experts warn that all this social distancing is causing a lot of stress, anxiety, and depression.

The Flat Earth Society is especially worried. They think their members might be driven over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
When early man discovered that they could use sharp stones for hunting, it was a big deal.

It was cutting edge technology

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
How do they make scissors at the factory?

With cutting edge technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Th3LimaBean
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I read an article about Eskimo hunting practices today

Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.

All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/murlockerLOL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers

It has me on Edge

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?

Cutting edge tech

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cat_Cultist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A king was looking to protect his secret maze...

...so he called in his court wizard to devise a means of defense. The wizard set to work at once. First, he wove a net, tightly so that nothing could escape. Then he traveled to the nearby lake.

For three days, he went to the edge of a dock, and cast his net into the water. Each time, he collected many small fish, until he had gathered thousands.

He then took the fish to his study, and carefully processed them, crushing them into a sticky paste. Warming the paste, he began to lather it across the walls of the maze.

When the king learned of this, he was very angry.

"How dare you cover my walls with fish paste!" he said.

The wizard replied, "But sire, everyone knows to protect a labyrinth, one must use a minnow tar."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmecau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sat upon a solo album by the lead guitarist, keyboardist and backing vocalist of the band U2 but quickly jumped up, scared that I broke it.

For a second, I was on Edge.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I sell newly produced knives.

I am a dealer in cutting-edge technology

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBoetje
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
How to catch an elephant. A story by my dad which got me a walk to the Principal's office in 2nd grade

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGoodLordsTaint
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife

It's cutting edge technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JarynN42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I designed a never seen before knife...

... it's cutting-edge technology

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sahlukaya
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
how does a square become a cube?

well first, they have to get an edge-ucation

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blazinbluecolor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Handman47
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sur5er
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got kicked out of the flat earth society

I asked if the 6 feet social distancing guidelines pushed anyone over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never take offense?

Because you won't know where the edge of your garden is

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TechnoBris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report

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