Just my opinion but women shouldn't have any more kids after 35.
Seriously, 35 kids is enough.
Sometimes I'll just fart in front of my wife and kids then walk away laughing.
That's just my scents of humor. I'm a real gas.
At every railroad crossing I ask my kids, “A train just passed. You know how I can tell?”
My kid's school just made budget cuts...
They had to combine math and horticulture. First up, a lesson on square roots.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.
Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.
I just grounded all three of my kids.
They were shocked, but it didn’t matter.
My kids just asked me "Dad, are you an A, E, I, O, U or sometimes Y?"
I responded: I can't answer that, I've taken a vowel of silence
Just watched Zootopia with the kids. I kind of wish the Fox and Bunny characters would have fallen in love at the end.
They could raise a family of funny boxes.
I just found out that there’s a clause in my work contract that states I can get fired if I ruin the “spirit of Christmas” for kids under the age of 10.
It’s called the Santa Clause
Just watched the Wednesday (Addams) finale and dropped this on my kids…
<Character shooting at a swarm of bees>
Kids: you can’t shoot bees with a gun!
Me: you can with a bee bee gun.
I have seen a lot of NSFW jokes on this sub recently. If you can't tell a joke to your kids, it's not a "dad joke" it's just a pun.
They're also pun-ishingly bad! You should be pun-alized for it!
Edit: >!I normally don't do this but let me explain the joke/post. Please notice the pun-chline below the title.!<
>!The idea behind this post was to make a pun out of the controversial topic of this sub and nothing else.!<
>!I'm the "devil's advocate" when it comes to both sides. I love both SFW and NSFW dad jokes. Also, there are many prude cultures in the world where parents don't use NSFW jokes with their kids even as an adult so it makes sense why they won't think an NSFW joke is not a dad joke. Reddit is not limited to western culture.!<
Edit 2: A lot of people have been sharing links in this post. Don't click them. They might be scammers.
I just ate a kids meal at McDonald's
Now his parents are furious at me
I just donated $100 to an organization for blind kids.
What gets me is that they will never see a penny of it.
Conversation my wife just had with our kids....
*4/yo is wrestling with 11/yo.
*11/yo rolls over and pretends to die.
Mom: He's dead you don't need to keep attacking him.
4/yo to 11/yo: You're a car now! Vroom.
Mom: What? He was dead and now he's a car?
11/yo: Yeah it's reinCARnation.
I just asked my kids if they wanted to get something from Dairy King. They said that wasn't a thing! When I heard there was only a Dairy Queen I asked
My kids just ran up to me crying.
They said "What should we do? Sweets cost 7 cent each, there are 3 of us and we have $4.50 to spend?"
Luckily, I went to a state school, so I am trained for these scenarios.
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
I just asked my kids who’s their favorite vampire?
And you can’t count Dracula.
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
My wife just made it home with the kids in time to start her period.
Now that's what I would call, being punctual.
Just been asked by a group of kids outside the Spar shop if I would get them 20 Richmonds.
Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet.
When I handed them over, I couldn’t believe the abuse I got off the cheeky little bastards after doing it!! Told them next time they can get their own sausages!!
I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight
So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.
I just learned from a LPT that if you peel a banana from the bottom all those tasteless fibery strands come off with the peel. Since it works so well I asked my kids if they wanted a banana...
Just made a train carriage full of adults and kids groan. So we're on the way home and the driver tells us the next station is par..
My wife says "almost there but not quite."
"I know," I reply. "So near, so par.
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
I like my kids and dad jokes just as I like my movies.
My kids just found out I'm the Tooth Fairy and won't stop crying
Apparently, they don't like that I'm leaving them home alone every night.
I've just eaten a kids meal in McDonalds.
..his mother was furious !
Took my kids to the zoo today, it was awful, just 1 dog in cage
Thw World Health Organization just released some puppers to help some kids
Who let the dogs out?
W.H.O.-W.H.O.-W.H.O., W.H.O. LET THE DOGS OUT!
Parents of reddit: you can't just waltz into your kid's room whenever you want!
At least make sure the song they're listening to is in triple time first.
I didn't think we'd ever have kids, but my boyfriend may have just changed that with his groantastic dadjoke.
I was playing with his hair and I wondered out loud what he'd look like with extremely short or buzzed hair.
He said, "Well I shaved my head once and didn't like it."
"Yeah but you didn't have a beard back then. I wonder if you could pull it off now."
"Well, I'd probably just cut it off."
......
My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.
I’ve just been looking at our ceiling, kids, and while I wouldn’t say it’s the best in the world…
It’s definitely up there…
My wife just yelled at the kids “who got into the peanut butter
Me: probably a bunch of nuts
I was the only one who laughed.
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that ... finally ...
Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, “How do you know daddy?”
“Because its tracks are still here!”
I just won a teddy bear making competition with my kids.
My wife just informed me that “terrible two” refers to a kids in a specific developmental stage
And all this time that’s how I always referred to my two kids at all times
[meta] Does anyone else spend 15 minutes explaining things to their kids just to tell a 5 second joke?
Or is it just me? My eldest is 8 but I still had to show him what a zippo was before I laid the hippo/zippo one on him.
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. “Why’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”
Just taught my 6yr old calculus and advanced physics. Amazing what kids can learn.
Which happens to be jack shit.
I just accidentally sucked up one of my kid's alphabet fridge magnets in the vacuum
Just saw a post talking about what is and isn't a dad joke and hiw jokes that your kids tell you are not dad jokes....
... that's not a dad joke, they're just kidding
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