Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
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︎ Apr 15 2021
first time posting here. (not a dad, just a 17 y/o kid)
Every time this queer couple lied to their son, he would see right through them.
>they were trans-parent.
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︎ Apr 02 2021
I told my kid we were gonna watch Paw Patrol, but instead I just showed him footage of K9 units training.
Guess that makes me a papa troll.
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Just got a ps5 for my kids.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
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︎ Jan 29 2020
Kid just got me with this one
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owlsays
Owlsays who?
Yeah, thats exactly what an owl says!
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︎ Dec 13 2020
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
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︎ Oct 29 2019
My kid just threw a tantrum.
I'm not sure where it landed. It might be lost.
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︎ Oct 24 2020
My kid just told me I looked different with my glasses on
I thought that was the whole point of them.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I just won a teddy bear making competition with my kids.
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. βWhyβd you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?β
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My kid just peed on my bed. And I shouted
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Just caught my kid eating mayonnaise out of the jar...
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︎ Jun 14 2020
My wife just yelled at the kids βwho got into the peanut butter
Me: probably a bunch of nuts
I was the only one who laughed.
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︎ Apr 04 2020
My wife just informed me that βterrible twoβ refers to a kids in a specific developmental stage
And all this time thatβs how I always referred to my two kids at all times
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︎ May 27 2020
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that ... finally ...
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︎ Jan 23 2020
We just threw my kidβs history teacher a birthday party.
I still donβt think he likes the present.
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︎ Jan 22 2020
Returning home from the barber, had a true old man moment today. My kid: βHey dad, did you just get a hair cut?β
βNo son, I got them ALL cut!β
The cycle is complete. I have become my father.
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︎ Sep 03 2019
I just accidentally sucked up one of my kid's alphabet fridge magnets in the vacuum
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︎ Feb 22 2020
My kid just told me sheβs scared of Santa.
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︎ Dec 09 2018
I just saw a kid in the hospital that got his left arm amputated
βIs he ok?β
βHeβs all right.β
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︎ Feb 09 2020
I just took my kids out tobogganing.
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︎ Nov 23 2019
Kid just got me #dadjoke #proud
Me: yall never eat fish
Kid: yes we do, we eat fish all the time
... GOLD FISH
(Talking about the cracker fish)
They got me!! Lol
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︎ Feb 07 2020
My kid just got fired from his coat check job.
He couldnβt get the hang of it.
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︎ Dec 12 2019
As a kid I thought blackholes were really fascinating now they just suck.
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︎ May 26 2019
The waiter said to me, βI just want to let you know that kids eat for free.β
I exclaimed, βGood! Iβll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.β
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︎ Oct 02 2019
My problematic teen kid just fled across the border
He really crossed the line this time!
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︎ Dec 24 2019
Just finished watching Frozen 2 with my kids. I am convinced a Dad came up with the plot.
Because the moral of the story is >!"Everything will work out in the end... once you deal with the Dam problem!"!<
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︎ Nov 26 2019
Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, βHow do you know daddy?β
βBecause its tracks are still here!β
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︎ Apr 11 2018
Gordan Ramsey just had his fifth kid
I guess we found something he likes raw
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︎ Apr 11 2019
Some kid just threw a lump of cheddar at me...
I thought "that's not very mature "
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︎ Nov 23 2018
In the south, we like our kids just how like our burgers...
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︎ Sep 19 2018
Iβve just been looking at our ceiling, kids, and while I wouldnβt say itβs the best in the worldβ¦
Itβs definitely up thereβ¦
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︎ Jul 25 2017
[meta] Does anyone else spend 15 minutes explaining things to their kids just to tell a 5 second joke?
Or is it just me? My eldest is 8 but I still had to show him what a zippo was before I laid the hippo/zippo one on him.
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︎ Jul 11 2018
I didn't think we'd ever have kids, but my boyfriend may have just changed that with his groantastic dadjoke.
I was playing with his hair and I wondered out loud what he'd look like with extremely short or buzzed hair.
He said, "Well I shaved my head once and didn't like it."
"Yeah but you didn't have a beard back then. I wonder if you could pull it off now."
"Well, I'd probably just cut it off."
......
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︎ Oct 23 2014
They neighborhood kids just started a band! Theyβre calling themselves 924mb.
Theyβre good, but they donβt have a gig yet.
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︎ Jan 19 2019
My kids just got a new puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, and one in particular. I suggested they name him βNature.β
Because nature abhors a vacuum
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︎ Dec 23 2018
Kids just donβt appreciate dad jokes.
12 year oldβs fishing on a video game. I asked if he was fishing for something specific. He said no. I said βSo youβre just fishing for the halibut?β
He just shook his head sadly. Kid doesnβt know what heβs missing. Iβm freaking hilarious!
Follow up: I told him I was heartbroken that he didnβt like my joke. He said it was too cheesy. I said it may be fishy but it certainly wasnβt cheesy.
Sometimes itβs mom that has the best dad joke.
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︎ Nov 06 2018
Police were just at my house. Tried to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike.
I just closed the door because my dog doesnβt even have a bike.
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︎ Dec 30 2018
My friend just had three kids! He asked me what to name them. I said βJames, Charles and Li Zhaoβ He asked me why the last one was Li Zhao. So I said βBecause every 3rd person born in this world is Chinese
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︎ Apr 23 2019
My kid just stacked some letter blocks like so:
F
F
U
T
S
S
I
H
T
You couldn't make this stuff up.
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︎ Jan 19 2019
My kids hate it when I sing my favorite Michael Jackson song, but I just can't help it
...because I'm Dad! I'm Dad! You know it!
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︎ Apr 24 2018
Just got home and my kids have lice
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︎ Apr 30 2018
I just took my kids out skiing.
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︎ Nov 26 2019
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