Just Kidding
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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"I'm just kidding!" hehehe

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aliasad1122
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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Fencing, just kidding. A bit of swordplay for ya!
πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/truddilutten
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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Just got a ps5 for my kids.

Best trade I ever made.

πŸ‘︎ 213
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Its-CJ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Kid just got me with this one

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Owlsays

Owlsays who?

Yeah, thats exactly what an owl says!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M8K2R7A6
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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My kid just threw a tantrum.

I'm not sure where it landed. It might be lost.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyberOGa3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.

EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trich101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Just taught my 6yr old calculus and advanced physics. Amazing what kids can learn.

Which happens to be jack shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Komone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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My kid just told me I looked different with my glasses on

I thought that was the whole point of them.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thumbtackthief
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b6a6a6l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.

Good thymes...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I just won a teddy bear making competition with my kids.

Great stuff!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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My kid just peed on my bed. And I shouted

Urine trouble buddy

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sq009
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Just caught my kid eating mayonnaise out of the jar...

What the hellman?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomWaah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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My wife just yelled at the kids β€œwho got into the peanut butter

Me: probably a bunch of nuts

I was the only one who laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danceswithwool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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My wife just informed me that β€œterrible two” refers to a kids in a specific developmental stage

And all this time that’s how I always referred to my two kids at all times

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that ... finally ...

I have fortitude.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/44pointer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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We just threw my kid’s history teacher a birthday party.

I still don’t think he likes the present.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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I hate baby goats

Just kidding

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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An epidemiologist, a scientist and a doctor walk into a bar...

...just kidding, they know better.

πŸ‘︎ 558
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bel0902
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I just accidentally sucked up one of my kid's alphabet fridge magnets in the vacuum

K, bye.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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I just saw a kid in the hospital that got his left arm amputated

β€œIs he ok?” β€œHe’s all right.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EagleHeart0904
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Returning home from the barber, had a true old man moment today. My kid: β€œHey dad, did you just get a hair cut?”

β€œNo son, I got them ALL cut!”

The cycle is complete. I have become my father.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mardrom_Bransle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!

πŸ‘︎ 235
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelleskaTROn-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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I just took my kids out tobogganing.

It went downhill fast.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb-reply
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Kid just got me #dadjoke #proud

Me: yall never eat fish Kid: yes we do, we eat fish all the time ... GOLD FISH

(Talking about the cracker fish)

They got me!! Lol

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kildrakwolfsbane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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My kid doesn't know about the Existence of birds, so She just calls them ''Things''

Things went south.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Punnier_Guy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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My kid just got fired from his coat check job.

He couldn’t get the hang of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.

She’s Claustrophobic

πŸ‘︎ 480
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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When I found my little son on the floor, I briefly thought a murder took place

Fortunately, it was just a kid napping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ewormPL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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The waiter said to me, β€œI just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I exclaimed, β€œGood! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, made you smile :)

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheranad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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My problematic teen kid just fled across the border

He really crossed the line this time!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/otoglomba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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I’ll tell you the opposite of adulting...

Just kidding.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/painted-comrade
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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As a kid I thought blackholes were really fascinating now they just suck.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hpar1
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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Where does a horse go when it gets sick ?

A horse-pital.

Ha. Ha. Just kidding....They get shot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Just finished watching Frozen 2 with my kids. I am convinced a Dad came up with the plot.

Because the moral of the story is >!"Everything will work out in the end... once you deal with the Dam problem!"!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LitterDuck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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When driving past a cemetery:

β€œSee that cemetery kids? That must be a really nice one.”

β€œWhy do you say that Dad?”

β€œPeople are just dying to get in there”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fraggle_captain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Gordan Ramsey just had his fifth kid

I guess we found something he likes raw

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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Some kid just threw a lump of cheddar at me...

I thought "that's not very mature "

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwiftHadoken
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar. . .

Nah, just kidding

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leooof321dax
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
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I have finally made it

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time β€œdad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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I just took my kids out skiing.

It went downhill fast.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb-reply
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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