Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owlsays
Owlsays who?
Yeah, thats exactly what an owl says!
Because people are dying to get in!
I'm not sure where it landed. It might be lost.
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
Which happens to be jack shit.
I thought that was the whole point of them.
Good thymes...
Great stuff!
“Cardamom”
Urine trouble buddy
What the hellman?
Me: probably a bunch of nuts
I was the only one who laughed.
And all this time that’s how I always referred to my two kids at all times
I have fortitude.
I still don’t think he likes the present.
...just kidding, they know better.
K, bye.
“Is he ok?” “He’s all right.”
“No son, I got them ALL cut!”
The cycle is complete. I have become my father.
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!
It went downhill fast.
Me: yall never eat fish Kid: yes we do, we eat fish all the time ... GOLD FISH
(Talking about the cracker fish)
They got me!! Lol
Things went south.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
He couldn’t get the hang of it.
She’s Claustrophobic
Fortunately, it was just a kid napping.
I exclaimed, “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”
Just kidding, made you smile :)
He really crossed the line this time!
Just kidding.
A horse-pital.
Ha. Ha. Just kidding....They get shot.
Because the moral of the story is >!"Everything will work out in the end... once you deal with the Dam problem!"!<
“See that cemetery kids? That must be a really nice one.”
“Why do you say that Dad?”
“People are just dying to get in there”
I guess we found something he likes raw
I thought "that's not very mature "
Nah, just kidding
“Because its tracks are still here!”
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
It went downhill fast.
