...an ether/oar situation...
I’m trying really hard to kick the abbot
It was a lovely service...
We're sitting around having dinner, and my wife isn't feeling great about the cooking. My daughter (6) starts critiquing the sauce, talking about what she doesn't like. I told her that sometime you have to read the room and see whether people want their cooking criticized.
She looks at me and says "Dad, you can't read a room if there are no letters in it" and starts giggling.
Said everything Hertz
It was a Nick neck patty whack.
The Rock bought ‘em.
I have super fish oil injuries.
My daughter didnt know what an inside joke was. After I explained it to her, she then announces an outside joke must be "knock knock...."
"Sure"
"Nah, it's too cheesy..."
A buddhist monk had a religious crisis. He open a tub of margarine and saw the face of Jesus. He said to himself "I can't believe it's not buddha." (Prounounced buddah)
He keeled the other fellow just like that!
You stop pretending.
Guess you could call it a punchline.
It was a lovely service.
My dad looked at me and said “I think your player went to Boarding School.”
providing context cause it caught me off guard which made it more funny.
Bro: If Pinocchio said his nose is about to grow, would it grow or would it not grow?
Me: I don’t know, you’ve created a paradox.
Bro: I created two doctors?
The largest container we have in our house is a tea pot. and I was extra thirsty so I wanted more water than usual. So I go to the freezer and load the teapot with some ice, and fill it up with water.
Fiancee: - "What are you making?"
me: - "Ice tea."
queue eye rolls from the fiancee.
You know how you can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? ...One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
Me being the only other dad in the room silently chuckled while the other 3 non-dad executives let out an audible groan.
How dairy.
Kid in the class: “oh you lived in Japan, do you know Kung fu?”
Professor: “no. I didn’t know Kung fu, but I knew his brother Harry”
Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they always take things, literally.
Which is about -73°C (~ -99°F). That is pretty cool.
So I tried to cheer her up:
"Well do you know what the last thing that went through his head was?"
"what?"
"His bum!"
I told him, "Oh, just Robin Williams."
My girlfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. I put my head on her chest.
ME: Your boobs make good pillows. HER: Yea they are pretty soft. ME: Are they made of mammary-foam?
She paused for a moment before groaning and eventually giving it a good chuckle. So proud.
Him: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Me: ?
Him: Because the "P" is silent
I was not amused
He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but she really rubbed him the wrong way.
Russian dolls are so full of themselves!
What did zero say to 8?
Nice belt.
He was drawing graphs on the whiteboard
Him: "How am I going to draw this line?'
Me: "With the marker in your hand."
Bug Splatters
Dad- "You know what the last thing that went through that bug's head when he hit the windshield?"
Me- "No dad, what?"
Dad- "His ass!"
Gets em every time
Dad - "Boy, I bet that stadium gets really hot after the game is over"
Me - "why?"
Dad "Because all the fans are gone"
Where do ants really want to live?
Where?
Antarctica!
Where does aunt Leah want to live?
England?
no!
Colorado? (For obvious reasons)
no!
Where buddy?
Antarctica!
Because they are too small.
When Bruce Springsteen went to a Polynesian restaurant and was served blue tang baked in a delicious lightly caramelized sauce, what song did he write about it?
Dory Glaze
Step brother and I were talking about Hugh Jackman.
Dad chimes in "who is this Ackman guy, and why does it matter if he's huge?"
Watching football and Andy Grammer comes on the halftime show...
Me: Andy who? My dad: Andy Grammer. They named all those schools after him!
Great service
It was a lovely service.
