the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
One day all mathematical signs gathered together in order to go into an adventure. Right before they were leaving, they didn't let the equal sign go with them.
They wanted to live an adventure without equal
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.
After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.
He'd been despatched.
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...
I guess I have to keep holding it.
Sleep experts reckon that in order to stay optimally healthy, you need "6-8 hours a day".
That's me buggered then, my day has 24 hours.
So I was at Chili’s the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. I’m now banned at all Chili’s restaurants in the USA
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.
"6 please. I could never eat 12."
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
Nurse: Here is the list of heart, liver and kidney donors arranged in alphabetical order.
Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
So the other day I ordered some Kung Pao chicken, but I think it came with a side of pasta instead of rice
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
I went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized I picked 7 up
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you're thinking)
Not what you're thinking.
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
I told my wife, “From here on, I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.”
She said, “Where will you find the time?”
Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.
It usually resulted in a long sentence.
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
So I order a drink on the rocks with a hint of citrus...
I was given a drink with limestone.
The other day a bunch of books fell down on my head.
I guess I only have my shelve to blame!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did the Pirates of the Caribbean order from the Bakery?
They said they wanted a torte to go.
What did the skeleton order with his beer?
Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 789
19 and 20 had a fight, 21
What is the nicest day of the year?
what's the best day of the week to poop?
Why was 6 afraid of 7, because 789. Why did 7 eat nine? Because at the restaurant 7 was at, 9 came in that order.
What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
What do you call the day after 2 days of constant rain?
I watched one of those really good black and white movies the other day
Interracial porn is great
My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.
"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night.
The shocking truth of why 6 was afraid of 7 revealed here.
7 was a Registered 6 offender.
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
After a long day I want to take a dump as soon as I get home, but it's not my first order of business.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
In honor of Star Wars Day (May The Fourth), here’s a themed dad joke!
Did you know the temperature of a Bacta tank is lukewarm?
Today is the day I can post it
Two man walk into a coffee shop, one of them orders a Cup of Tea and starts stripping.
The man behind counter says: what the hell is this?
To which the second man says: he's new to Tea
I ordered a Caesar salad from the restaurant for lunch today.
They absolutely killed it.
6:30 is the best time of day...
6:30 is the best time of the day.
What is a Dentist's favorite time of the day?
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