I'd really like to move to Switzerland one day
I hear the flag's a real plus.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
...talking to the wine."
Hey sweetie I want a new knife for fathers day. I'd use this one..
But it just wont cut it.
To celebrate my cake day, I thought I'd give you all a pun.
I’d like the opportunity for all of us to see the next day. #stayathome
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.
A Christmas stalking.
"Attention passengers: I'd like to personally welcome you to my first day as a railway conductor. Not to worry though, you're in very capable hands...
I've been training for this."
For father's day breakfast, my daughter promised she'd make pancakes. Then she said she wouldn't. Then she said she would. Then she said she wouldn't.
Now she's just waffling.
I'd like to go to Holland some day...
Wooden shoe?
Dungeons and Dragons looks like a lot of fun. I'd love to try it some day.
I guess I consider myself die-curious
Back in the old days you could send whatever you wanted to, to someone and they’d take you seriously, they’d believe you cause
Those were just fax!
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
It was a sunny day out on the lake. I'd forgotten my cap. Luckily, I had a flyer from the local department store. I folded it into a hat with a shade for my eyes, thus making it easier to guide the boat without crashing it.
It made a good ad visor.
Pancake day really crepe'd up on me this year.
I hope this joke doesn't fall flat.
Today was a good day. I'd rate it 10/10
With Father's Day coming up, I figured I'd get a little something y'all
^^SOMETHING Hope you enjoy it!
A few days ago I made a comment that if there was a scandal at a fencing company, someone'd start calling it Gategate. Today, someone kicked my gate apart.
I asked a hot contortionist if she'd be free to go out on a date in the next few days
She said she'd love to and she's very flexible
If I were to change my last name, I'd change it to Watts. That way, if I ever have a boy of my own, when he asks where he's going on his first day of kindergarten, I get to say...
"Elementary, my dear watts son."
So I went to the doctor the other day and told him, “Lately I’d been feeling like a tepee and a wigwam. What’s wrong with me?”
He replied, “You’re two tents.”
I'd really like to get a whole new lease on life, but the intrest rate is just too steep now-a-days...
I used to work as a cashier at Old Navy where we'd have "One Day Wonder" sales like $2 tank tops.
I would say tanks for shopping with us and no one would notice.
My wife let me know that the kites I'd ordered a few days before had arrived
Wow that was fast. They practicly flew there.
Dad asked me to get a Mother's Day card that he'd find funny
http://imgur.com/QN9AElv,bwZknVk
My dad was just having a squeaky fart fit and I asked him what he'd eaten that day.
And without a beat says "air I guess"
