John Guy Puns

Talking to him, I said “Cool! My name is John, too.”

He looked at me quite puzzled and replied “That’s odd. You seem to be quite older than me. You’d think I would have been John 2.”

Sorry, wrong sub.

They blow a casket.

John and Susie a decide to go to prom together. Of course John has to buy tickets, and he waited till the last minute and so did a bunch of other guys, so John has to wait in the ticket line for almost an hour. About a week later, it's time to get John a tuxedo and Susie a dress, and they again waited til the last minute so the shops were full. John waits in the tuxedo line for almost 2 hours. Susie had it even worse, the dress line took her almost three hours. Then, the day before prom, John has to get flowers and so does every other guy going to prom and John waits in the flower line for another hour. The big day finally comes, and everybody else got to prom early so John and Susie end up in the entrance line for the first hour of prom. At this point they finally get to dance for a while and Susie tells John she's getting thirsty, so John goes to get them some punch. You'll never believe this, but there is no punchline.

Edit: had to correct my autocorrect

If he played a good guy, he'd be Willem Dafriend.

One day, while working on new walls, Mike knocked over a bucket covering John with its contents. Later, when they return to the office, their boss pulls John aside and asks what happened to him, the conversation was as follows:

Boss- What the hell happened to you guys today?

John- Well, Mike kicked the bucket, then I got plastered.

Friend says, Be sure to visit a John Courage pub Guy goes to London at starts hitting the pubs, are you a John Courage pub, no Bass, are you a John Courage pub, no Newcastle, are you John Courage house, no Sam Smith.. finally at the next pub the barkeep says yes we are a John Courage pub… and the guy says, fantastic, I’ll have a Guinness please.

I said, “Wait! I can change!”

Some Background Info

On March 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison became the 9th President of the United States, with John Tyler as his VP. Exactly one month later, Harrison died, leaving Tyler as the 10th President of the United States. Tyler was elected as a Whig, but chose many Democrats to work in his administration, and often made decisions in the Democratic favor. This made the Whig party angry, and while the Democrats liked some of his actions, they didn't love him. At the end of his presidency, the Whigs were not going to support reelection efforts, and the democrats just liked other people more. This earned him the nickname, "The President Without A Party."

The Dad Joke

At the very end of his presidency, Mrs. First Lady wanted to have celebration. She invited lots of people over, and they all had a good time on Tyler's lawn. Tyler stood on his balcony, looking over all the people have a joyous time when he announced, "Never again can anybody say that I was a president without a party!" and giggled his way into retirement.

John Cleese and Graham Chapman were terrified for their lives, but it turned out the guy was just making Idle threats

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

We were in pre-service prayer time hanging out for everyone to come into the room when this conversation.

Pastor 1: "John and I were getting donuts and discussing theology..."

Pastor 2 (from another church): "glad you were having donuts, they're a holy food."

Pastor 1: "man, that joke is really sweet."

Pastor 3: "man, you guys are really on a roll."

I laughed, their were many moans and eye rolls.

Me: Dad, who is the most famous guy in the world? (Serious question)

Dad: (Totally Deadpan) John Jacob Jingle-Heimer Schmidt.

Me: Why's he so famous?

Dad: (Again, totally deadpan). His name is my name too.

I don't think he even looked up at me to answer either question, and certainly didn't miss a beat.

It's weird so many guys named John got together to commit the same crime