Dark humour
He prefers the term warlock.
a low ha
He even used to be a comic
Unfortunately I'm usually the only one!
"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."
She and I were sitting on the couch together and he was in the kitchen right behind us. My ex said something to the effect of "Ugh, I'm bored."
To which he responded, "How can you be bored!? You've got the love of your life right here...and your boyfriend too."
His name was Hugh Morris.
He was the Qing of puns
My dad is so proud of his dad jokes, he recounts them in emails to my sister and me. Oh, Dad.
Then I came to the conclusion that they're just all kept in a dadabase.....
I'll see myself out 🚪🚶🏾♂️
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
But I totally blue it.
Me: Me
LSC: Long-suffering child
----
LSC: Why’s the power out?
Me: It’s Pride month.
LSC: LMAO what
LSC: what does that have to do with it😂😂
Me: Best time of the year to be “out”, isn’t it?
LSC: ohhhhh my god
They all said, “Ewwww.”
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡You have to use a camera.
It scares the dog
EDIT: figured i’ll tell you guys a funny story. See, my dad told me this one, and then told me about what happened. He said it to waitress at a restaurant, and this Karen behind him starts screaming at him for being insensitive… my dad is blind, btw
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
Ian
The robber yells, “Don’t change the subject!"
Probably gay.
Because without them he could Nazi.
http://i.imgur.com/q4fZof7.jpg
For hispanic attacks
Electile dysfunction
Wife: It's "not" in german.
Me: That's good to know, but what does it mean?
My kid surprised me today with a handmade book with dad jokes. Each joke had an associated graphic too as a bonus! I'm so happy I wanted to share the joy with you guys.
These are the 26 jokes (some I've learned from here, but a few of them I've never heard):
-
I'm afraid for the calendar, its days are numbered.
-
My wide said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That's a big step forward!
-
What do a tick and the Eiffel tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
-
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
-
A skeleton walks into a bar and says - I'll have a beer and a mop please.
-
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
-
I don't trust trees, they're too shady.
-
I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
-
Did you hear the rumour about the butter? I did, but I'm not going to spread it!
-
Why couldn't the bicycle stand by itself? Because it was two-tired.
-
Why did Billy get fired from the banana packaging factory? He kept trowing away the bent ones.
-
Why was math so sad? Because of all its problems.
-
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
-
A guy walks into a bar and got disqualified from the limbo contest.
-
Have you ever try to catch fog? I did once, but I mist.
-
Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because it was outstanding in its field.
-
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
-
I Was going to tell you guys a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it.
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What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
-
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.
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Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.
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Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they're filled with common cents.
-
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
-
You know, people say they pick their noses, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
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What did zero said to eight? That belt looks great on you.
-
To whoever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you. You have my word.
I hope you find a few new ones too in this list.
He went broke.
My girlfriend was talking about a doctors appointment.
She says "It's another pointless appointment"
Immediately I said "So just an ament?"
She did not think it was very funny but I am rolling! What do you guys think?
Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.”
The other guy says, “We can?”
He says, “Yes.”
The other guy says, “How?”
The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”
The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”
(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/
And then a table... And then a chair...
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
Hahahahahdshshdishsdhh
That was the punchline
