Give examples for extra credit.
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
I didn’t leave my house for almost an entire week.
The only reason I didn’t stay indoors for longer is that I had an important exam in one of my classes that I absolutely had to be present for.
That also didn’t help with the anxiety I was feeling. As I drove to campus I kept my eyes glued to my surroundings, almost running two stop signs and a red light. I kept expecting Jack--- or fake Jack I suppose---to pop out randomly on the side of the road, or in the car next to me, or the car behind me. I constantly glanced at my rearview mirror trying to figure out if the black truck behind me had been there this whole time or if it was different than the one I had seen ten minutes ago.
I hadn’t told him where I went to school so maybe he wouldn’t know. Then again, I hadn’t told him where I lived either, and he seemed to figure that one out rather quickly.
I hadn’t texted the real Jack since the incident had happened. I mean, I didn’t even know what I was supposed to say.
“Oops I didn’t follow all your rules and now there’s a weird look-alike of yours running around the city”?
My plan, as foolish as it was, was to act as if all was well. I wasn’t going to stir the pot by telling him I had already fucked up, so instead, I was going to wait until he realized that something was wrong. Hopefully, he wouldn’t.
I will admit that not telling him was more difficult than I had thought, and I found myself constantly checking my phone for texts from Jack, but none appeared.
I finished my exam that day, sure that I had failed due to my lack of focus, and drove back home where I found Julio standing in my driveway. He was looking down at his phone, and I attempted to keep driving down the street before he saw me, but I wasn’t fast enough.
He glanced and began walking towards my car as I slowly pulled into the driveway, locking my doors and trying to remain calm. Instead of shifting into park, I kept my foot on the brake and shifted into reverse, fully ready in case I needed to make a quick getaway.
I sat in the driver's seat, looking forward, at my front door. I wondered for a second if I would be able to get inside and lock the door before Julio got to me. Suddenly, he leaned down and knocked on the window, making me jump.
I turned to look at him and said nothing.
“Roll your window down.” He said, motioning for me to lower the window.
I pressed the
... keep reading on reddit ➡Alejandra is dancing to the beat of Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” in full Gaga couture. For a moment, she appears utterly oblivious to the presence of the cameras surrounding her as she’s fully immersed in the music - she poses, dances, then cartwheels into a truly sickening set of splits with an exaggerated BAM sound effect. Only then does she seem to realize that she’s not alone.
Oh! Hello! Gosh, I didn’t even notice you there!
She giggles, still in the splits.
Hello there, my darlings! It’s so good to see you again! I bet you’re excited to see what comes next, no?
She stands, grabbing a towel and slinging it over her shoulders.
Well, I certainly am! Puerto Rico’s diverse, talented pool of drag talent, all on display for the world to see…oooh, I can’t wait!
Her face goes stern, and she waggles a finger at the camera.
So what are you still looking at little old me for? Let’s get straight to the action, shall we?
She poses again, and the screen erupts into white.
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Wearing an intricately crafted dress that looks like it was crafted out of aspects of nature itself, Anacaona elegantly strides into the room. She pauses, her very presence exuding regality, before she looks straight into the camera. “Today’s agenda: fighting for justice, exposing the hard truths, and of course,” She smiles “claiming the crown for myself.”
Anacaona: “Hello there, darlings. The name is Anacaona - yes, after that Anacaona - from Caguas, and it is so lovely to meet you all for the first time.”
“First one in? Always a good sign.” Anacaona glides over towards a hot pink table, taking an almost demure seat at the head of the table. “Or so they say, anyway.”
Anacaona: “Anacaona was born from the idea of fighting against injustice and embodying the power that Puerto Rico can hold within her. Really, she’s a persona I use to really connect with my passions in life - connecting with my Taino heritage, fighting for environmental change and human rights and the like, performing, and motherhood.” She smiles, almost fondly. “I’m a doting maternal figure out of drag as it is, and Ana, well, she’s no exception.
“Now, who’s next…” Ana leans her head on her hands, eyes fixed firmly on the door.
Dressed in a monochrome black look that screams gothic princess, Yarelis Blac struts into the room, full of confidence. “Once you go Blac,” she says with a wink. “You gain a hell of a rack.” She jiggles her boobs.
Ana
... keep reading on reddit ➡Last night, while contemplating the turd sandwich life has bestowed upon me, I decided to go for a stroll around the block to stretch my legs. Having recently lost my job, my spouse, and pretty much everything else, I needed time to reflect.
It was freezing outside. The ground was frosted in frigid white snow, and the howling windstorm had recently knocked down several trees and hydro lines in the neighborhood, causing the timid town of Pickle Lake to remain mostly indoors. I didn’t care. I needed to get outside. Away from the TV, away from the video games, and away from all the other distractions I’ve been slowly killing myself with over the years. As I approached the intersection of King and James, I spotted a homeless man. He looked haggard beyond belief, squatting in this own filth and squalor. Pitying the man, I reached into my pocket, found my wallet, and handed him my last twenty. What came next caught me by complete surprise.
“What? You think I need your money?” the homeless man asked, in a guttural voice. “I mean, look at you.”
Is it me, or are these homeless types getting ruder ever year? I remember thinking. He took my money however, and stuffed it into his hefty, red coat, which was lined with fake fur and huge black buttons. Then he wiped his runny nose, using his long, white beard. It was revolting, but who was I to judge?
As I was turning away from the man, about to cross the street, he said something that chilled me to the bone. “You used to be a bed-wetter, as a child. Remember that?”
That stopped my dead in my tracks. I’ve never disclosed my ‘Childhood Secret’. Not to a single soul. The only people who knew were my parents, both deceased, and my sister, who lives a million miles south of here.
“When you were eleven,” he proclaimed, sitting on the snow-crusted sidewalk, festering in his own filth, “all you wanted for Christmas was a GT Snowracer. Remember that? You wouldn’t shut up about it. Your parents ended up giving you the damn thing a week early, so you and Danny Lightfoot could go tobogganing that weekend. They sure spoiled you rotten, didn’t they?” He coughed up a loogie, then continued. “Whatever happened to that GT Snowracer anyway?”
Fear began seeping into my heart, sprinkling down to my toes. I hadn’t thought of Danny Lightfoot in over twenty-five years, nor my prized GT Snowracer. Who was this man anyway? Just some crazy kook messing around with me, trying to provoke me, and clearly enjoying himself while doing so.
“Yo
... keep reading on reddit ➡I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
They were cooked in Greece.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
Pilot on me!!
Nothing, he was gladiator.
Or would that be too forward thinking?
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
I won't be doing that today!
[Removed]
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
Where ever you left it 🤷♀️🤭
You take away their little brooms
It was about a weak back.
It’s pronounced “Noel.”
After all his first name is No-vac
Do your worst!
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
When I got home, they were still there.
There hasn't been a post all year!
