Jean Clemens Puns

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Do your worst!

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

Next

Sam whirred out a long sigh as he relaxed in the seat on the Twain tram. He watched as several young Zoomies darted back and forth through the cabin, keeping their blood and air circulating. He remembered back to his own children fighting in the apartment. He looked out the window as the tram sped through the clear tube of the upper fourth industrials. Massive habs housing forges, presses, and robotic cutters rose up, towering toward the sphere edge. The tram slowed down and stopped. Seven Krattoch and a dozen Kawaroo boarded, forcing the running Zoomies to dart to the walls, jumping over people's heads in their need for continual motion.

A Kawaroo hopped up onto the the chair beside him, its little chubby fingers holding onto a lunchbox. It looked up at him, making croaking sounds. "Hello human male. Are you comfortable with me sitting beside you?"

Sam nodded. "Of course Why wouldn't I be?"

The Kawaroo bobbed its head up and down energetically. "I, well. I have been yelled at before, and did not want that to happen again."

Sam put his fist out. The Kawaroo looked at it. Sam pushed in and bumped knuckles with the hairy birdlike creature. "I'm not going to yell at you bud. I'm sorry if one of my people did though."

The factory worker stared at him with its black eyes. "It is ok. Species forced into confines like this is stressful, it is amazing this place works as well as it does."

Sam looked across the cabin at the dozens of species sitting, floating, and standing amongst each other. "It is pretty amazing."

The Kawaroo around as well. "In school they said that it was one of your kind that made this place what it is, that and some AI's. Is that true?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah. I heard that too."

"My great grandmother was from Kawaroo prime. She told me about the human landing, and the war with the Gollock. Your kind are warriors, like the Krattoch right?"

Sam shook his head. "Humans can be just about anything. We were needed to be warriors then, so we were."

The Kawaroo looked up at him. "You were alive then?"

Sam nodded. "I was there. Yeah."

It looked at him closer. "I didn't know humans lived so long. I am curious now." The Kawaroo extended his pudgy hand out to him. "My name is Happy Whistler. It is an honor to meet someone who was there."

"Sam Clemens." He took his hand and shook it. "Thanks."

Happy thought f

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Buenosdillas

They’re on standbi

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

When I got home, they were still there.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

#FT: SV Darmstadt 98 3-0 Werder Bremen

SV Darmstadt 98 scorers: Fabian Holland (45'), Luca Pfeiffer (65', 71')

Venue: Merck-Stadion am Böllenfalltor

Auto-refreshing reddit comments link

LINE-UPS

SV Darmstadt 98

Marcel Schuhen, Thomas Poppler Isherwood, Patric Pfeiffer, Fabian Schnellhardt, Fabian Holland, Matthias Bader, Tobias Kempe (Jannik Müller), Mathias Honsak (Emir Karic), Benjamin Goller (Braydon Manu), Luca Pfeiffer (Aaron Seydel), Phillip Tietz (Erich Berko).

Subs: Frank Ronstadt, Nemanja Celic, Morten Behrens, Clemens Riedel.

^____________________________

Werder Bremen

Michael Zetterer, Milos Veljkovic, Lukas Mai, Marco Friedl, Jean-Manuel Mbom, Niklas Schmidt (Niclas Füllkrug), Nicolai Rapp, Ilia Gruev, Eren Dinkci (Romano Schmid), Mitchell Weiser (Felix Agu), Marvin Ducksch (Leonardo Bittencourt).

Subs: Anthony Jung, Roger Assalé, Luca Plogmann, Simon Straudi, Abdenego Nankishi.

MATCH EVENTS | via ESPN

7' Lars Lukas Mai (SV Werder Bremen) is shown the yellow card for a bad foul.

11' Marco Friedl (SV Werder Bremen) is shown the yellow card for a bad foul.

14' Tobias Kempe (Darmstadt) is shown the yellow card for a bad foul.

45' Goal! Darmstadt 1, SV Werder Bremen 0. Fabian Holland (Darmstadt) left footed shot from outside the box to the bottom right corner.

45' Substitution, SV Werder Bremen. Felix Agu replaces Mitchell Weiser.

45' Substitution, SV Werder Bremen. Romano Schmid replaces Eren Sami Dinkci.

63' Phillip Tietz Yellow Card

64' Substitution, SV Werder Bremen. Niclas Füllkrug replaces Niklas Schmidt.

65' Goal! Darmstadt 2, SV Werder Bremen 0. Luca Pfeiffer (Darmstadt) right footed shot from the centre of the box to the bottom right corner.

70' Substitution, Darmstadt. Erich Berko replaces Phillip Tietz.

70' Substitution, Darmstadt. Emir Karic replaces Mathias Honsak.

71' **Goal! Darmstadt 3, SV Werder Bremen 0. Luca Pfeiffer (Darmstadt)

[Removed]

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

Why

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

After all his first name is No-vac

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

There hasn't been a single post this year!

(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)

Nothing, it just waved

Bob

Him: I can explain everything!

(It's his best joke yet I think)

So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."

Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.

Just to clarify, 12345678

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

I was just sitting there doing nothing.

“BOOM”?!

"That's what they're fighting about."