I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโ€™t happy at all. โ€œHow much have you had to drink?โ€ she asked sternly, staring at me. โ€œNothingโ€ I slurred. โ€œLook at me!โ€ she shouted. โ€œItโ€™s either me or the pub, which one is it?โ€

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, โ€œItโ€™s you. I can tell by the voice.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.

She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.

No idea why the school hired him.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 66
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the_houser
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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It wasn't my computer's fault it was me, but the computer just wasn't working for me...

I decided to hit the reset button in "relationship."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/space0watch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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The beauty store told me their soap is 100% natural but I found out it wasn't

It was just a Lye

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Amranwag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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My wife told me I wasn't very good at listening - that it was time to make some changes and she needed some distance.

So I bought her an alarm clock with a remote control.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/allanon101
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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The invisible man told me something but I knew it wasn't true

I could see right through him

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GaryTheKnight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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My friend asked me why I read so much Tolkien. I said it wasn't really a choice, rather...

...I did it Hobbitually.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rubbernipple
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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One time my cat chased down a drone and brought it to me. The drone's owner accused me of theft. In my defense, I said it wasn't stolen...

...it was purr-chased

๐Ÿ‘︎ 32
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrLazyTiger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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I was in my kitchen and my cousin went next to me as I was looking at the brownies, placed a fork and said fork u. + to add on to this as I was trying to take this photo the brightness wasnโ€™t working properly so my dadโ€™s girlfriend goes โ€œguess you could say itโ€™s forkedโ€
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Weewoman11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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When i turned 18 My dad gave me a BIG birthday gift, it wasn't that heavy - i opened it and saw an empty box.. "but dad, it's empty?"

"yes, you can start packing your stuff tommorow"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/laugeba
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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It wasn't a joke at the time, but it makes me laugh now.

As toddlers/youngins whenever we'd fall down and start to cry, my dad would be like "OHMYGOSH HOLYCRAP oh NOOO!! The floor!!!? Did you hurt the floor???" And we'd be shocked into forgetting we'd just fallen (and gotten scared-hurt)

It was hilarious seeing younger siblings do this- to go from traumatized and in desperate pain to stunned in about half a second... guppy faces and wide eyes like- 'oh no! I'm not the victim here at all, am I?' Maybe you'd have to see it to understand. Surprisingly, it really did make everything stop hurting.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/in-site
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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Request for a pun with the word Brook

Please let me know if this kind of post isn't allowed but I wasn't sure where to ask. I'm looking for puns including the word Brook. Even better if it's plural (brooks).

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/meowmixed
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2021
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I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after giving my first lesson.

Deep down, I realized it wasnโ€™t for me.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2021
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My College Internship Almost Ruined My Life

I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.

When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.

The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.

Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.

After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.

Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.

Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!

I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instrumentsโ€”but it sure might be sheep or goat.

Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.

I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.

I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????

So I fucking called the museum

got the guy who interviewed me on the lineโ€”and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?

He said, yes, BUT.......

"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yungcfa
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 13 2021
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I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:ย  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.ย ย  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!ย  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.ย ย  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.ย ย ย  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!ย ย  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.ย ย  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.ย  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.ย ย  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.ย ย ย  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,ย  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.ย ย ย  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.ย ย ย  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!ย ย  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!ย ย  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.ย  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"ย  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/terjulmar
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....

And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NoThruTrucks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke

So this is a true story, and maybe Iโ€™ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect Iโ€™ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if Iโ€™d seen the rabbit โ€” the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasnโ€™t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldnโ€™t have been me โ€” Iโ€™ve never been one to split hares

๐Ÿ‘︎ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kurtvan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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My fiancรฉe and I were on a hike.

There was a detour to get to an overlook to see a waterfall. When we reached the overlook, there was thick shrubbery in front of us blocking the view of the waterfall.

Fiancรฉe: Ugh, I can hear the falls but I can't see it.

Me: I guess it wasn't an overlook, it was an overhear.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Turb0charg3d
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2021
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"Hey dad, I'm trans"

"I have no son"

"Thanks for supporting me"

I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me

Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Niskara
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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There was once a balloon family...

Papa balloon, Muma balloon and Bubba balloon.

Bubba balloon was still sleeping with Papa and Muma balloon but he was starting to get too big.

Papa and Muma balloon got a bedroom setup for Bubba balloon so they can finally sleep alone. But every night he would come in crying to sleep with Papa and Muma balloon but they never let up.

But one night, Bubba balloon waited for the Papa and Muma balloon to be faaaast asleep. He tried to squeeze in between them but he couldn't quite fit. Very carefully, he started to let some air out of Papa balloon... It wasn't enough. Very carefully, he let some air out of Muma balloon... But it still wasn't enough. He didn't want to deflate his parents any more... So he slowly let some air out of himself. It was perfect. He snuggled in and slept soundly.

The next morning, you could imagine how disappointed Papa and Muma balloon was. Papa balloon said: We tried to help you and tried to help you grow in toy a Big Boy balloon. We are so disappointed with you.

You let ME down... You let your Muma down... But most disappointing of all... You let yourself down!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Arokys81
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2021
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Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Eli_Truax
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Chemistry professor: Is it a good or bad thing that ice is less dense than (floats in) water?

Me: It wasn't good for the Titanic.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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So Iโ€™m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donโ€™t know because he hasnโ€™t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

โ€˜Dad, I knew that story wasnโ€™t real because you donโ€™t have any friendsโ€™

๐Ÿ‘ป๐Ÿ‘ป๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/themeatspin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me itโ€™s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass itโ€™s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasnโ€™t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you just admit it Harryโ€, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

โ€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarahโ€, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said โ€œWell if the Foux shits...โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RangaRedRascal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldnโ€™t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldnโ€™t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasnโ€™t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnโ€™t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldnโ€™t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasnโ€™t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didnโ€™t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasnโ€™t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldnโ€™t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TTMOfficial
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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A rock star's Journey

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BANGexclamationmark
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Just had a quick conversation with my dad and thought it belonged here

Me: The washer is free

Dad: No it wasnโ€™t, it cost a lot

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/unions-orchid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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My Son: Want to hear a fun fact?

Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jackrabbits1im
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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I reported my root garden missing to the police.

They told me theyโ€™d see what would turnip. Then they told me it wasnโ€™t their beet. I donโ€™t think they carrot all!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sir_Pluses
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LazyLeo1337
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 02 2018
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So I was looking to get some weed the other day...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured me it would be great. He tells me "A Yaba-Dab-will-do-ya"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Itchy_Horse
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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Got my students with this one, re: Impeachment

Students were asking about the impeachment news this morning, so I explained what it was about, then:

Me: I'm really confused about the whole process, though. I thought Trump wasn't peach, he's orange!

Edit: I understand the downvotes. This joke was low-hanging fruit.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blindsight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโ€™t happy at all. โ€œHow much have you had to drink?โ€ she asked sternly, staring at me. โ€œNothingโ€ I slurred. โ€œLook at me!โ€ she shouted. โ€œItโ€™s either me or the pub, which one is it?โ€

I paused for a second while I thought and said, โ€œItโ€™s you. I can tell by the voice.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 77
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.

Deep down, I realized it wasnโ€™t for me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 76
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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I trimmed my beard too short.

I wasnโ€™t sure about how It looked but it grew on me!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zanman546
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.

Deep down I realized it wasnโ€™t for me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 70
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I just quit my job as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasnโ€™t for me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 96
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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