I told my wife I want to give up my high paying computer programming job to become a farmer. Astounded, she asked, “Why in the world would you want to do that?” I replied,
“It’s a growing industry.”
Ding heres a light joke to brighten up the world(three jokes in one) (;
Where's a mathematician's favorite place in the world?
There was an inventor in the late 1800s who despised bells, he designed a device that would eliminate every bell in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize
world's in quite a pickle already
What do you get if you stand all of the boxers in the world in a row?
If everyone in the world linked hands and stood in a straight line
On a video about breaking world border in Minecraft
What do you call a person who loves both himself and waffles more than anything else in the world?
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
I asked my friend who is a major in Geology, what is the most expensive rock in the world?
He replied Dwayne Johnson
Did you hear? There’s going to be a movie about the best shoes in the world!
It’s going to be a feeture film!
An old man was telling his friend about his new hearing aid, "the greatest in the world!" "You can hear a pin drop."
Friend: Wow! What kind is it?
Old man: quarter past 2.
What do you call a crocodile who fought against Germany in world war II?
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements.
edit:OC
A guy in a tracker just drive past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"
TV Narrator* This is a mallard. A mallard is a dabbling duck that breeds throughout the world. This one is in search of a mate. A female will lay 8 to 13 eggs.
In this time of crisis I believe it is our duty as a community to make a rapid respons team to help the rest of the world!
We will be known as the rapid respuns
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
All donkeys of the world gathered in a rally and demanded a seperate nation for donkeys
The leader donkey got shot and killed.
Ass-as-a-nation
Did you know that being an omelette chef at a ski resort is one of the most stressful jobs in the world?
Everyone has such high eggspectations
When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said "World's Best Grandma."
I’ve recently designed a miniature IoT smart kitchen implement for straining vegetables. It’s a source of much discussion and argument between people in the culinary world.
You could say my creation is a little device-seive.
A condom manufacturer kept getting criticized because its new gimmicks never did anything for women. So they did what any good company would do and went to the most knowledgeable frog in the world for advice. You know what the frog said?
I’m a bit uneducated. Whenever the World Health Organization is in the news…
After a world-renowned athlete lost an important match, his wife suggested that in the future he wear a pair of her panties in his shoes for good luck to boost his confidence.
He’s been undie-feeted ever since.
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. It’s time to move on and stop living in ...
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
There are 10 types of guitarists in the world: those that can only strum a 6 string...
... and those that know bass too.
What's the name of those half-goat people in mythology? Usually depicted with a pan flute? They use fiction as a way to write scathing commentary about the world?
Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?
The answer should be apparent.
My mate secretly booked a cruise for me in the world's longest river.
I'm completely in the Nile.
In a world where men must tell dad jokes as soon as their first child is born.
She takes the pregnancy test, hunched over the pee pee stick on the toilet.
Her: "Honey...I think I'm pregnant."
Him: "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad!" (Did I really just say that? Out loud? I could've sworn I said I was so happy...weird)
Her: "This isn't a joke...I'm serious." (Did he just make...a dad joke? About being a dad?)
Him: "I thought you said your name was pregnant." (FUCK. What is happening to me?? Gotta say something normal..)
"Uhhhhh...I'm so fucking sorry. Really I couldn't help it, I guess."
Sorry: "At least you finally used my real name."
To everyone who wished a Happy Father’s Day to “the best dad in the world...”
I’m very flattered, but make sure you wish your own dad a happy Father’s Day too.
Funny world we live in. If a woman sleeps with 10 guys in a week, she’s a slut. But if a man does it he’s...
I like to claim that the Greek Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal
Those Catholics are real sensitive sometimes
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe...
With all the riots French bakeries must be in a world of pain.
My son just pitched a perfect game in the Little League World Series!
The game was a classic, "threw" and "threw"!
What has red hair, lives in a Fantasy world and all the girls love him?
If there were a study exploring the pornography preference of people in each country, we could finally see what this world is coming to.
My son got a Philosophy degree for its utility in the work world.
He's right. His new job is an existential test for him daily
Pick any name in the world. I bet I can sing a song with that name in it..
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear...
Edit: Wow. Wasn't expecting over 1,000 upvotes on my first ever post. Thanks!
There are two types of people in this world: those that can extrapolate the missing part of a set.
In a world where Mexicans have taken over.
All of the earth has been wiped out and only Mexicans remain. So now they can do whatever they want.
It's the a-taco-lypse.
Got talking to a very cool old man. After finding out he was from England, a World War Two vet and has spent the last thirty two years in the states I had to ask..
Me: so what brought you to the states?
Him: An airplane.
World of Warcraft introduced a scavenger hunt to find a secret item that involved hundreds if not thousands of people in a Discord spending days and days scouring the entire world for little clues.
The secret reward is called Waist of Time.
Well played, Blizzard, well played.
Did you hear that Geoffrey Rush is gonna be in a World War 2 movie?
It's called Operation Barbossa.
The worlds largest bounce house is now touring the U.S.A. At 10,000 square feet, the house is large enough to live in.
The rent is pretty expensive but that's mostly due to inflation.
My baker friend made the largest baked good in the world, and stood on top of it for the picture... he was on a roll.
I was actually going to post a chemistry joke, but I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction...
What spell would a geologist in the world of Harry Potter use to find oil?
If you parent are lesbian. You live in a mom-eat-mom world
Grave diggers have one of the most serious jobs in the world. Every single time they do something wrong it’s a grave mistake.
I drew Denmark and Switzerland in a world cup sweepstake.
They aren't the best teams but their flags are a huge plus.
https://i.imgur.com/vrsdL2Y.png
In some parts of the world an AK-47 costs the equivalent of a chicken.
Which is a pretty good deal for those on a poultry wage.
Was Visiting my Sister in the hospital. Told her I was finally getting a "Leg up in the world"
(https://imgur.com/a/gDxjp)
What do you call a place wherein all of the dirtiest jobs in the world are reflected?
The shipping company has announced a partnership with florists to order flowers online to have them sent anywhere in the world
When I was a kid I asked my grandfather who was born in 1944 if he fought in world war 2
He said yes and that he was in the infantry.
We live in a world where there are 7 Star Wars movies that have opening crawl.
Then there is a Rogue One.
My grandmother was a soldier in the second world War.
She was a real Gramma nazi!
A guy sets a world record for farting in a police car the most amount of times in a row. What else did he set?
A silly nfl world pun. .perhaps better in r/atheist?
If the Vikings QB were questioning his religion. .
would Christian Ponder be pondering his Christianity?
In light of Jurassic World...What happens when you punch a T-rex?
After a shitty day in World of Tanks someone Dad joked me.
Me:"Man I haven't had a good match all day."
Random:"Try a lighter"
Received this text while watching Spain v Chile in the world cup. He's not a dad yet but I think he will be ok when he is one.
[18/6 21:05] Toddy: Chile are just too hot to handle
[18/6 21:05] Toddy: Sorry
Dadgamer pulled this one in a round of World of Tanks
o7, as we all know, is used to "salute" other players.
A friend of mine who's a father of 3 got sick of seeing this emoticon and said during the match:
"You folks really need to get your calendars checked, it's 2014, not '07"
What my dad texted me when i said the US was gonna have a tough time in the world cup
Have faith! We are ghana win!
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
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