She said yes!
I replied: "That's great, I've never been able to play before!"
The eyeroll I got back made me think she was thinking back over the Hippocratic oath to determine whether she could smother me with a pillow or not.
A halfway horse
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I asked my blood type ( genuinely didn't know it). When they said A Positive, I mused, "that must explain why I'm such a positive guy.” ( got a pretty good chuckle from those in the room)
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They realized I didn't need oxygen and hauled the tank out of the room. I uttered, "tanks for nothing!" (got a bigger chuckle)
Not the greatest puns ever, but not bad for just coming out of general anesthetic :)
I was wrong in thinking he was clean and no longer would knead it.
He made a maraca-ulous recovery. It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.
ABSENTEE A missing golfing accessory
AUTOBIOGRAPHY The car’s logbook
AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage
BOOKCASE Litigation about a novel
BURGLARISE What a crook sees with
CABBAGE The fare you pay to a taxi driver
CAUTERISE Made eye contact with her
COUNTERFEITERS Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
DILATE To live long
ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living
EYEDROPPER A clumsy ophthalmologist
GRANARY Home for old women
HEROES A guy manning the oars in a boat
HUMBUG Singing insect
LEFT BANK What the robber did when his bag was full of money
MISTY How golfers create divots
NONDESCRIPT Italian actors ad-libbing
NITRATES Cheaper then day rates
PARADOX Two physicians
PARASITES What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
PHARMACIST A helper on the farm
POLARISE What penguins see with
POST OPERATIVE A letter deliverer
PRIMATE Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
RECOVERY ROOM A place to do upholstery
RELIEF What trees do in the spring
RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
TERMINAL ILLNESS Getting sick at the airport
SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
URINE Or you’re out
Gastroenterologists have heard every colon/rectum/bile/poop-related joke ad naseum, but I managed to sling a couple of original zingers while being prepped for my colonoscopy.
#1
Me to anesthesiologist: How long have you worked at this clinic?
Anest: About a year. Been with field medical teams my entire career. This is the first time settled down in a clinic...and first time in gastro.
Me: I see. After years in the field, how do like working in an orifice?
Anest.: LOL, no idea how I haven't heard that one yet.
#2
Doctor: We're administering the sedative now. You'll wake up in the recovery bay where I'll brief you.
Me: OK, I'll see you on the outside...[getting groggy]...after you see me on the inside...
Doctor: OK, I'm stealing that one....
I recently had bone surgery in my left pinky, so I've been keeping him updated on the recovery. I sent him a photo of my swollen bruised purple pinky and he says, "Okay so none of that looks right. Is it your left hand?"
I'm in recovery.
It plays an instrumental role in my recovery.
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?”
Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
While this news undoubtedly sucks, I'm trying to take it in stride and em-brace it nonetheless! The recovery will give me the opportunitknee to improve my skills as a sideline player and some extra downtime to expand my abilities in programming and graphic design. I plan to continue at-tendon practices and other events as normal though! So many teammates, past and present, have already been incredibly supportive and reached out to help me; its certainly been a joint effort, and I can't thank you all enough for that. In hindsight, I wouldn't change akneething about attending USA U24 tryouts as tenacity, perserverance, and sacrifice are often the names of the game in pursuit of distant dreams. Ultimately, I guess some things are just liga-meant to be!
At the dinner table.
Mother in law: "...he has recently had two surgeries to fuse his lower vertebrae, his recovery has been quite slow"
Me: "Well I would expect nothing less after having back to back operations."
after about 4 seconds people started leaving the table.
He's in recovery now.
It's his second day in recovery and he's finally awake and starting to walk around a bit. Today he was moved to a step-down unit from ICU. A new doctor we've never seen before came over to check up on my dad.
Doctor: "Hi Mr. _______, how are you feeling? Dr. Esposito asked me to keep an eye on you."
Dad: "Oh really? Which one?"
Poor doctor was so taken aback... He didn't even see it coming.
My wife gave birth yesterday. As we were settling into the recovery room, the nurse came in and the baby started to cry. She tried to console him and said to us:
Nurse: He's really just yelling at you saying "Do you know what I've been through today?!"
Me (imitating my wife): Yeah, me!
She was too tired to groan, but I think I'm gonna like this.
My mom's been in the hospital having a difficult recovery from surgery, and she's spent the last few weeks attached to various contraptions to drain the wound site. Dad sent an update today: "Mom's been released. No wound vac, no drains of any kind. Just an island dressing. 😃"
"Yay", I said. "That's 999 islands less than most people get!"
He made a full recovery but had a spell last night and fell a few times from low blood pressure. He said his butt was sore so he was going to check it in the mirror. He said "I looked and it looks like I cracked my butt......"
So yesterday I had vision correction surgery and on the ride home my mom called. My dad answered it via the car phone and my mom was asking how it went and all that. The conversation went as follows:
Mom: Hi how are you doing? How's Phil?
Dad: Hi we are good. He was in and out in about 20 minutes and they gave him a CD with only one track on it as part of the recovery package.
Mom: Really? What for?
Dad: Just to ease the anxiety he may experience shortly after the surgery. It's the song I can see clearly now.
My mom proceeded to crack up over the phone and I think she accidentally hung up as well. My girlfriend and I were laughing hysterically as well.
Knowing my dad, he couldn't wait to drop that one.
