The metal detector beeped when the guard was checking me. He asked me if I had any metallic stuff with me, I said:

No...it just beeped because my Shirt is Ironed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hanrattyyy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if a newborn is into black metal?

If you can't cut the unbiblical chord

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How to tell if music counts as heavy metal:

Look and see if they have a lead guitar.

πŸ‘︎ 328
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mavet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2017
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What would you call the sun if it was made of granite and heavy metals?

A rock star...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/code_engine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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I said to my wife, 'Our daughters have said if I style their hair they'll buy me a metal bracelet.'

'Platinum?' she asked.

I said, 'No, only straightening.'

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I ordered some big metal letters.

I wanted to make a sign that said "YOU & ME". So, I ordered some big metal letters.

When they arrived, the box was very damaged. I checked if everything was there, but the iron E was lost on me.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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A man walks into a pet store...

And asks the proprietor if she could recommend a bird cage. The shopkeeper replies that she has both plastic and metal varieties.

β€œWell what kind of metal is used in the metal one?” he asks?

β€œI’m not sure. Aluminum, I think,” she responds.

β€œDo you happen to know if it contains any nickel?”

β€œNo, I don’t believe it does,” she answers, looking puzzled.

β€œAh,” says the man. β€œSo what you’re saying is that it’s a nickel-less cage.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth-noxious
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I almost successfully robbed a bank recently...

But there were some baby goats there using alchemy to paper money into coins near the exit. As I rushed out the door, I tripped over some of their stacks of coins, which knocked me out til the police showed up.

I was so close! And, honestly, I would have gotten away with it too... if it weren't for those metaling kids.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/parkerthedeal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a rich detective?

A metal detector!

^Sorry ^if ^someone's ^made ^this ^before, ^I ^haven't ^seen ^it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Annabeth666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
If the police pin someone to the ground, but they struggle to get away, do they become a...

?

rule 6 compliance section: >!It's an aluminum-shelled resistor. The person trying to escape would be a resistor, but would be put in a car, which are about 9 percent aluminum, if this shitty article I found online is to be believed: https://auto.howstuffworks.com/under-the-hood/auto-manufacturing/5-materials-used-in-auto-manufacturing3.htm the car would be the metal shell.!<

>!also I found online that walking at 5 km/h takes around 100W of energy, so I went with 200W because I figured trying to escape the police while prone probably takes around double the effort.!<

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirbykirby56
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My best work so far.

At work, there was a metal catering tray filled to the brim with cold water sittin' around for no reason so I asked the receptionist/coworker, who has said repeatedly that she just can't stand me, if I should dump it. She looked at me, smiled and said "If you can." I responded "without spilling it?" In a 'of course I'm not going to spill but dont rule it out' way. She said "Yes." Silently giving me good luck. Fortunately, I done did the deed and no brand new flooring was harmed. I then proceeded to google water jokes. After that, I walked up to her desk, glanced into her soul for the slightest moment while greeting, "Hey Sarah" , then I swiftly looked downwards as she asked, "Yeah?" I THEN told her this, "I don't know about you but unlike that cold water I just dumped". I pause, regain eye contact and finished with, "boiling water will be mist."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dafuq0_0
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa's favorite joke this time of year

I used to know a guy who absolutely loved hollandaise sauce. He would buy the spiciest brand he could find and would put it on just about everything. Well it turned out that because he used the spicy sauce so much, it started to wear down a hole on the roof of his mouth. He went to a doctor and asked what he could do about it. The doctor looks at the damage and determines that the man will need a metal plate placed at the roof of his mouth. The man is relieved but can't help asking the doctor if he will still be able to enjoy his hollandaise sauce. The doctor reassures the man that his new plate will be made of chrome. The man was curious, so he asked if chrome was the best choice. The doctor responded with "Oh don't worry, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MAJpeppers13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
🚨︎ report
My poor coworker never saw it coming

I had bent down and picked up a metal nut as my coworker was making his way over to me.

Lifting it up so he could see it I casually remarked: "If I had found two of these that would be nuts."

He stopped, turned around, and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theexpeditor
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2016
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Fathers Day dad joke

In Australia Fathers Day is on the 1st of September. It was a really nice day for Fathers Day where I live, the weather was perfect so this afternoon we were sitting outside in the sun in our backyard which faces a river. A boat went past and we could hear a big dinging noise going on and on, like something metal tied to a cord was flapping around in the wind and banging something else metal.

Dad pipes up, "God, if I was that guy in the boat and had to listen to that every time I took it out I'd go crazy! I'd probably even keel over!"

Happy Fathers day Dad :)

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hodgkinsonable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
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I just needed money for dinner...

Dad: Your mother and I will be out for the night for our Tango lessons.

Me: Oh yea, ok can I have some money for Dinner?

Dad: Oh my I don't think you would be able to digest the metal and all that paper and plastic.

Me: ...What?

Dad: You asked If you could have money for dinner, I thought that to be a bit odd.

Me: Oh my God, Dad!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenranger420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
🚨︎ report
butter pun than yours

I saw a girl trying to spread butter on a bagel with a plastic spatula earlier today in my dining hall. She was struggling a little bit, so I leaned over and told her that if she just used a metal knife, she'd be able to spread that butter

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fingernail
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2011
🚨︎ report
The running jokes..

For a little background my dad enjoys the more vulgar jokes. Anyway, he often jokes about his "company." In fact every time he answers the phone he answers as if it's a call towards his company.

(He answers the phone) "Hello this is the Viiiiibrator Repair Service." Caller - "the what?" Dad - "This is Dick Phitzwell's Vibrator Repair Service, as of right now only the installation department is available."

It's not a joke really cause there's no funny punchline. The caller normally laughs and then carries on with the call.

Another one he likes, "What does an 80 year old woman taste like?

Depends.."

The other day we are at the beach. We're walking back to our vehicle and he's carrying his metal detector in his hands. Random beachgoer - "Did you find anything?" Dad - "No, unfortunately my battery went dead... just like my ex-wife's 'curling iron' under her pillow."

There's many many more. I'll have to catalog them in some form. Let me know if you'd like to hear the life and times of Dick Phitzwell.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rentz3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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My Mum dadjoked my Dad

My parents and I were sitting around having key lime pie.

Dad "It has a very sharp flavour"

Mum "That will be the lime. If you find any metal that will be the key"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM-Me-A-Joke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
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Steeling?

Bought a new house and was discussing getting an ironing board with my girlfriend. I work with in metal fabrication and she suggested I make one. I happen to work with steel, so naturally i asked if it would then be called steeling...

many head-shakes ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carlip
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
He got me and I loved it.

Driving with my dad and as we pull up to a red light the overgrown plants on the side of the road rub up against the car.

Dad: "$5 if you can name that plant." Me: "I don't know" Dad: "Lilly of the Nile. You know what that they call that sound of them hitting the car?" Me: "No. What's that?" Dad: "Petal to the metal."

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitchftwlol
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad said this at dinner

He was asking my mom and i if he should go to an eye doctor or a normal doctor because he has something in his eye and he cant get it out.

My mom asked him whats in his eye.

He said "a piece of steel"

I said "you need to go in because my metals teacher had that and it rusted in his eye and he couldnt get it out himself"

He said "so will it be in my eye for the rust of my life?"

Then i laughed so hard i had tears in my eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wannarubbutts
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
🚨︎ report

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