How I finally figured out I'd gotten old: Was watching TV and saw John Lithgow saying, "You know what? The last time I went to the movies I bought my ticket at that little window... and I paid cash!"
And I'm thinking. "So... what's your point."
(took me a while to work it out but eventually funnier than sad on balance.)
I walked home from the bar last night. A policeman stopped and said, “Sir, do know that you are staggering?”
I said, “Well, you’re pretty handsome yourself!”
I know the law says that you must turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
But how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
Did you know that Euler had a protegee who tried to claim he'd been the one who discovered e^i*pi + 1 = 0?
He was arrested for attempting identity theft.
I thought you should all know that I put a bounty on Putin's head.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
I know times are tough for a lot of people right now. All over the planet, humanity struggles with problems that seem to never go away... just remember, you can always rest assured that at the end of the day...
Do you want to know about the 12 things that I don't care about?
Nevermind, it dozen matter.
I was joking with my husband that I’m such an obedient wife. He said, “You don’t know the first thing about obedience.” I said, “It starts with an O.”
He said, “Wrong. It starts with a ‘Yes’.”
My name is Brian and I am dyslexic. You know what that means, kids?
It means something is wrong with my brian
Did you know that I was named after George Washington?
It's true! George Washington was named in the 18th century, while I was named in the 20th.
In the car my son said “Dad, look at that mail truck!” And I said “How do you know it’s male instead of female?”
This woman walked up to me in a bar. She said, "You know what I want? I want a man that can make jokes about space!"
I said, "You'll meteorite man some day."
You know? Now that I'm looking at it, I can say this ceiling isn't my favorite.
You know why I like escalators that have signs that say "YES" at the top of them?
They're always inclined to agree.
Did you know? I certainly didn’t but, that game ‘Mortal Combat’ was originally based upon a very old Scandinavian church song.
>!It was a Finnish Hymn!<
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I texted my daughter, "Did you know that superglue can also be used for cleaning!"
"Your computer keyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit that gives you your entire potassium requirement for the day?”
My wife: That’s bananas.
Me: I know, I couldn’t believe it either.
Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didn’t. What would I be?
Did you know that I can write underwater?
I can write other words, too!
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?
I told my kids, "Did you know Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts and his name was…"
I boasted to my son, "Did you know scientists discovered that the brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born?" He rolled his eyes and ignored me, but I carried on...
You know I was on a eSports team for farming simulator 2019 once. That’s why I hate FPS games.
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
I told my dad, “Did you know that 1 out of 5 kids today faces hunger?”
Dad: Someone should turn that 5th kid around.
You know, the worst type of humour is menstural jokes. Period... I just made that up on the spot.
The waiter said to me, “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”
I exclaimed, “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”
You know, I didn’t know that it was sunrise.
I was just about to think of a bowling joke, since I know that would strike a chord with all you “dads,” but
I thought i’d spare you the trouble.
I didn't know you hated a toilet that much...
Because you seemed pissed.
You know I heard that Al Gore was coming out with a new dance album called...
At work my boss said something that offended me. And when he wouldn't retract it, I walked out and I'm never going back, I'm through with that place. You know what he told me !!!
You know I can tell that the man who invented qwerty keyboards is a romantic?
With today being Friday the 13th, I just wanted to let you know that I don't believe in superstitions.
I'm an Aquarius, and that's not in our trait profile.
My wife mentioned that a friend’s beard looked nice today. I said, “You know what they say about beards...”
Just want you to know... I can see that you've been under a lot of pressure for a while now. But you are a rock, and I don't take you for granite.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
Did you know that I was a baby once?
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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