A man loses three fingers in a work accident. He goes to the Emergency room and asks the doctor... "Will I be able to drive with this hand?". The doctor replies...
"Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."
I got a job as a stunt man in a couple of movies.
Nothing major. Just a couple of small rolls.
Gingerbread Man: "Doc, a kid just bit off part of my leg!! What do I do??"
Doctor: "have you tried icing it lol"
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
A man tried to sell me 144 Chickens, but when I counted, there were only 139.
It was a gross understatement.
I was stopped at a red light with my wife that was taking forever to change. Man, this is a long light! she said.
No it's not I said, It's the same size as all the other ones.....
I just read about a convict who killed a man who couldn’t hear, taste, feel, see, or smell.
It was a senseless murder.
A man walks into a doctor's office. "Doc," he says, "you've got to help me, I have a really weird cough.". "What do you mean, weird?" the doctor asks.
The man pulls out a handkerchief. He coughs and hacks into it and - a coin falls out of his mouth!
The doctor pulls out a magnifying glass and examines the coin. It's a piece of outdated Danish currency, with FREDERIK IX KONGE AF DANMARK stamped around the rim.
"Ah, I see," the doctor says. "Another case of kronervirus."
I had no shoes and I complained, until I met a man who had no feet.
I am a modest man, and I hate blowing my own horn.
I’m not sure why I keep getting fired from every orchestra.
I was just assaulted by man with a block of cheese.
I caught a glimpse of the silhouette of a man creeping around the alleyway.
He was a shady looking fellow
I spoke to a deaf man today
A man I know has a stutter and is going to prison
I’m afraid he’ll never finish his sentence.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store..
I told him: I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.
I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team.
I told a man to adjust his misaligned glasses because it might make life easier for him.
He said he couldn’t see the problem.
I saw a man drop a box of Italian pastries while walking down the street
I cannoli imagine how he was feeling
I just ran into the man who sold me an antique globe a long time ago.
Man: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé
Wife: whatever floats your boat!
Man: no that’s buoyancy
Saw a man standing on one leg in front of an ATM. I asked him "WTF", and he smiled:
I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.
It was a rare medium, but well done.
A man goes in to an international bakery and says "I want the best pie in the world!"
The owner thinks for a second and says "Well, that would definitely be a pie from either Jamaica, Dominican Republic, or Barbados, and those are $65 each." Angrily the man replies, "What!?! Those prices are outrageous!" "I know, but it isn't my fault", responds the owner, "blame it on the pie rates of the Caribbean."
I amputated a man’s toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made out of a breath mint.
I gave him a Tic Tac toe.
A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined...
Upon further thought, it was a huge missed steak.
A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?"
She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."
"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."
A man shrouded in black and with two odd protrusions from his head offered me a million dollars for my shoes, so of course I handed them over.
But I'm starting to think I may have just sold my soles to the devil.
I saw a man with a dancing hooded sweatshirt, and people were paying him money.
I asked him, "do you earn a living doing this?"
He said, "it's my livelihood."
I showed the cops camera footage of a man stealing a Stephen King book, but they're not going to press charges.
In the end, he got away with IT.
I was a man stuck in a woman's body.
I asked a wise man for help with my herb garden
He gave me some sage advice
I saw a 7 foot man get in a fight with a little person
That's the long and short of it.
A man knocked on my door and asked if I could donate to the local swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water
When I was a single man, I had loads of free time.
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
I heard Ed Wood made a movie about a deaf man with no hands.
he called it "Silence of the Limbs"
I saw a fat man in a red suit on someone's roof last Christmas. When he saw me looking he stopped moving entirely!
It must have been Santa Pause.
A man goes to his doctor and says, “Doctor, I have an irrational fear of the Backstreet Boys”.
The doctor says, “Hmm, interesting. Tell me why.”
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."
"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Man goes to the Dr, says "Dr Dr, I feel like a strawberry!"
Dr replies "Hang on I've got some cream for that"
My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
A man with a turban walks into the doctor’s office. The admitting nurse asks, “How can I help you?”
The man with the turban responds, “I am Sikh.”
I went to Australia to get inspiration for a fresh new dad joke. I saw an indigenous man doing sit ups…
…and came up with something aboriginal.
A man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
The boss exclaims, "Problem? There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity!"
The man says, "Okay then. I have a serious drinking opportunity."
I told my father I don’t have a job anymore. I told him I couldn’t work for that man after what he told me
“What did he tell you ?” he asked
“He said I was fired”.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
