I'm Drunk, I Love You Puns

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.

Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''