I'm writing a book about falling down stairs...
It's a step by step guide.
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
Anyone: I’m gunna run down to the convenient store and get something to drink.
Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..
He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.
A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.
I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.
"No you're not."
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
Apparently there’s a group down the street that’s amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when I’m around.
They never seize to amaze me
I've been told I'm good at cooling things down.
But I've never been a big fan.
I told my fiancé I was trying to think of some jokes and that I wrote down some material... I think I'm funny
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, “NO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack responded, “And you will dialogue.”
Dad: I'm feeling down
Son: why? what's wrong?
Dad: nothing's wrong. I just like how soft and warm it feels
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.
Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.
I'm a turnip, turned down. Concerned, but I don't carrot all. I am what I yam. What am I?
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
I’m exhausted! When I get home from work I’m just gonna lie down and stare at the ceiling.
This evening’s definitely looking up
I'm closing one eye, down this water slide...
Winking in a water wonderland!
I want to find a street called "Sunshine" and walk down it just so I can sing "I'm walkin on Sunshine."!
After hours of searching, I’m happy to say I tracked down my brides beloved pet dolphin...
Finally, I found my wife’s porpoise
So far, in 2019, I'm down 100 pounds!
I'm going to cancel my membership on this low stakes UK gambling website.
My hair flowed down my back when I was in my 20’s and I’m not bragging when I tell you it still does
Because it starts from below my collar now
I gotta say, I’m 36 years old, exhausted and run down
Next year I’ll be in my prime though.
Whenever I'm feeling down, I read my blood donor ID
Shout out to my legs who are always there to pick me up when I'm down.
Mom: I'm going to run down to my cousin's house. She needs to borrow the car.
Dad: If she needs the car, maybe you should drive there.
I’m trying to cut down my fortnite play time as I think I’m gaining an addiction
I tend to play it every couple of weeks now.
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
My wife keeps saying to put down the bag of dirt I'm holding.
But I'm keeping my ground
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut down a tree upon arrival he started cutting down trees until one tree shouted wait I'm a talking tree
Which he responded and you will dialogue!
After changing my diet to bland foods and spending a lot more time walking (in the rain I might add), I’m down 50 pounds.
That will be the last time I visit London.
My boy bounded down the stairs this morning, screaming, "I'm finally ten! I'm finally ten!"
He jumped in my awaiting arms and giddily gazed up at me.
I lovingly looked in to his eyes and said, "Hi finally ten! I'm dad!"
Whenever I'm feeling down, I watch 'The Emperor's New Groove'
Tree before it gets cut down: wait! I'm a talking tree!
Lumberjack: and you will dialogue
I'm sure my old dad is looking down on me
He's not dead, just really condescending.
Tree: "Please don't chop me down, i'm a talking tree!."
Lumberjack: "Well, I guess you will dialogue."
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity...It’s impossible to put down!
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