If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.
Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
Why can’t trump go to the White House anymore?
I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house
He's actually pretty good! He made a great job of the landing.
A man came back to his home one day to find his relatives crying near the house
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
So the house cats went to the tigers engagement party.
The tigers were having a great time, roaring, baring teeth and in general having a great time. The cats were sitting quietly off to the side. The tigers asked the cats, “Why so quiet ? Don’t you like to have some boisterous fun ?” The cats replied, “Oh yes, we used to be tigers too. Until we got married.”
PS. (This sounded way better when my friend told me in the original Malayalam language slang poocha-pulee)
My real estate agent lied to me.. he said that my house had 1000 carpet area
I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs ..
My wife often uses the promise of raunchy sex to get little jobs done around the house.
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
What did the White House say when Trump left and refused to attend the inauguration?
The bank want to repossess my tree house. They say I haven't kept up my mortgage payments....
I'm convinced it's a mix up from when I moved branches.
I tried to build a house from baguettes
I brought over the wrong pastries to my relatives' house for Christmas brunch
Now I'm stuck with a bunch of cross-aunts
My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...
'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
Daffy Duck went to Porky Pig’s house. When he arrived he used the bathroom, but there wasn’t any toilet paper. Daffy yelled for Porky and Porky replied:
Bidet bidet bidet, that’s all folks.
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
I was going to build a house made out of books...
But it was too novel a concept
How can you tell if the Christmas crab has been to your house?
By the sandy claws tracks..... my dad just told my brothers and I that one now. Not sure if it’s been posted already
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
I was going to cover the windows of our new house with curtains, but my wife came in and tossed vertical blinds at me...
Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
What do you call a young adult who can’t leave her house due to a pandemic?
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..
We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright
A friend invited me to his house for a party
When I arrived, his house was on fire. Damn, the party must be lit.
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Why was the electrician happy to arrive at his house after work?
Because there’s no place like ohm.
I want to buy a modest farm house.
3 bed, 2 bath. Nothing over the top.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.
Why can’t Trump go to the White House?
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Trump can’t go to white house anymore coz it’s for-biden
I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.
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