Hi, Mom Puns

My 4 year old son started telling me he wants to eat by saying "I'm hungry but I'm not called that, I just want some food."

Because of the pastry-archy

WoW.

I know he's about to lose himself.

Dad really misses him.

I just don’t see why it Mathers

Cheez Whiz...

Why was the Headless Horseman never invited to business parties?

🎃 Because he couldn’t get a-head in life.

What did the eye say to the other eye?

👀 Eye see you.

Why didn’t the right-handed man ask the other man if he was alright?

👈🏻 The other man was left-handed.

Why is the letter U upset about televison?

📺 Because U isn’t included in it.

How come the letter Y hates asking questions?

❓The response is always, “Y, you ask?”

Why did the horse become a comedian?

🐴 He was very fun-neigh.

Why did Mrs. Banana leave Mr. Banana?

🍌 They had a split.

What do you get when you cross a doctor and a lemon?

🍋 Lemon-aid.

Why do the spices argue a lot?

🧂 Because they’re salty.

Why did the noodle have to go to bed?

🍝 It was pasta-his bed time.

What did Mr. Volcano say to Mrs. Volcano?

🌋 I lava you.

Why do the gardening tools hate Stacy?

🪴 Stacy’s a hoe.

Why are you beautiful?

💕Because “Be you” is in the word itself.

The last one is more heartwarming than funny, but I thought it’d be included.

They were just trying to get a head.

Good job son

He’s a small arms dealer

Mom: Stares at DadDad: Clenches fistMom: "Don't!"Dad: Sweats ProfuselyMom: "..."Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"

Pop tarts.

Dad turns red and tries fighting his reaction

Mom: control yourself, don't do it, this is an important moment.

Dad: hi gay I'm dad

"I'm Friday. Come over Saturday and we'll have a Sunday!"

Me and my siblings heard this many times throughout our childhoods.

My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby

I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"

Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.

BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!

Old but gold

About ten minutes ago at dinner war broke out. My little brother (4 years old) and my little sister (8) were fighting so my mom told them to stop which made my brother cry for some reason. My dad said "are you crying?" And he said yes. My dad goes "hi crying I'm dad!!" Which made him cry more. He kept doing it to us and I look at him seriously and say "are you gunna stop?" And he sighs and says fine. I go "hi gunna stop I'm Gage!!" And he bursts out laughing. My mom made us apologize to my little brother because we made him cry more with our jokes and then had him apologize to my sister. I say to my brother "are you sorry?" And he said yes... Ya you know what happened next. I went back to my room after dinner and I just heard my dad say to my mom "hi gunna kill myself I'm dad!!"

Me: "Hi confused, I'm Mom"

hi hungry im dad was the response no i said, mom just gave me the dna testing

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

• I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

• I really love my family. Lol

So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:

Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!

Mom: Hi.

Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)

Mom: ..... uh..

30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)

A few months ago, my mothers aunt had died so we went to her funeral. Before the funeral mass had started, my mom told my brother and me to go up and say hello to Aunt Beth (the woman who had died). A few minutes later, my mom comes up and asks both of us "Did you go up to Aunt Beth and say hi" to which my brother replied "Yeah, but she was a real jerk. She just laid there and didn't say anything"

Girlfriend is breastfeeding baby delatches to say hi to dada

Hey Banana want a milkshake?

shakes moms boobs

10/10 Best Dad Joke of my life.

My dad passed away in 2001. He was passionate about technology and into all things tech, my mom was telling me a story about the first computer he built and how he was so excited to have it back in the mid 90's.

"Your dad used to walk in the door and yell "Hi honey! I'm Home! Did you miss me?" while dropping his bags and taking off his shoes, I'd say hi back and ask him how his day was when he would smile and walk right past me to hug his computer and give it a little kiss, then turn to me and say "Oh hey honey" "

I busted up laughing, now knowing where I get my sense of humor.

and my friend is throwing a bag of ice in the ground. My other friend mom comes up and asks "what is he doing" and I told her he was breaking the ice and I said there was a much simpler way. Confused she said "how?"

I replied "Hi my names Ryan"

I was being a brat, so my step-dad said

"I think he's on his period."

I reply

"no, I'm actually on my comma."

To which my mom chimes in

"I'm so confused..."

Moment of silence... My step dad looks at her...

"hi very confused. I'm dad."

Many fistbumps between him and me.

(sorry for formatting, on mobile.)

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

Mom's friend rings the doorbell. Mom answers the door, "Hi Deb, good to see you. We missed you!"

Dad and I, on opposite sides of the room, look up in unison: "With every shot so far!"

The pride on his face was priceless.

When I was four years old, my dad and I got into an argument over who should get the remote control. Because I was significantly smaller and younger, my dad won the argument. I was angry, so I walked my little four year old behind to my grandma's house that was across the street. Grandma wasn't home, but the door was never locked, so I made myself a poptart and proceeded to watch nickelodeon until my mom got home from church. Once I had my fill of fruity pastry and child entertainment I walked back to my house where my mom was screaming at my father. "How could you let a four year old just go like that? Unsupervised!". My dad was silent. My mother continued, " it's like you don't care at all about me or our children!" Still nothing from dad. "Well this is the last straw!" my mom shouted, "I'm leaving you! Do you have anything to say for yourself?" My dad spoke softly, "hi leaving you, I'm dad."

So my mom had emergency surgery for an ovarian cyst this week. She's home since, and people are calling just to see how she is.

The day after the surgery, my mom is still weak and can't walk very well. The phone rings, so I pick it up for her, it's my aunt. After the usual "Hi, how are yous," she says to me, "So, how's her cyst-a?"

John: Mom,Dad, I'm gay

Dad (Richard) : ...

Mom: Richie don't...

Dad: ...

Dad: ... (blurted out really fast) Hi Gay, I'm Dad

Edit: Formatting

Me: Dad can I have Chips?
Dad: I don't know, can you?

Me: (Calling on the phone) Hi Dad, can I talk to Mom?
Dad: I don't know, can you?

Me: Dad, can you pass me the salt.
Dad: Yes, yes I can. (Continues eating his dinner, doesn't pass the salt)

I never really thought of this as a Dad joke, I always just thought my dad was being an a** or trying to teach me better grammar, but he always laughed when he said it so i guess this was his ongoing Dad Joke.

This went on and on to the point where I had to remove the word Can from my vocabulary.

Called my parents to say hello on my day off from work. Dad answers the phone.

Dad: Hello there.
Me: Hi.
Dad: <concerned tone> How are you feeling today?
Me: <confused tone> Fine?
Dad: Oh I thought you might be feeling a little off.
<pause>
Dad: <chuckles> hands phone to mom

Mom, Dad and I go out to dinner at Iron Hill.

Waitress : Hi! My name is Katie and I'll be your server tonight.

Dad : Hi Katie! I'm Jim, this is James and that's Sue and we will be your eaters tonight!

Me : God Dammit Dad.

Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and spotted my mom and one of her friends whom I hadn't seen since I was a kid so we walked over to say hi...

Mom's friend: "Boy I haven't seen you in forever." "You look just like your daddy."

Mom: "Yeah he's got his dad's good looking genes."

Me: (as I get this confused look on my face and look down) "No mom these are mine, I bought these."

Girlfriend: -_-

So I tried to use a dad joke on my mom. And it didn't go so well. She told me to do the dishes, I said ok and seeing as I'm in the middle of reading a dad joke, I said just a moment. So she just replied "seriously?" What said was"seriously I'm high" what I wanted to say to her was"hi I'm seriously.

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad

Dad: ...*clenches fists

Mom: ...don't!

Dad: *sweats profusely

Mom:

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD

Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter

My dad to my mom: Hi, ‘leaving you’, I’m husband!

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"

Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"

Mom:stares at dad Dad:clenching his fist Mom:Don’t you dare! Dad:HI GAY, IM DAD!

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad

Dad: ...*clenches fists

Mom: ...don't!

Dad: *sweats profusely

Mom:

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD

MOM: stares

DAD: clenches fist

MOM: HONEY, DON'T..!

DAD: starts sweating

SON: oh no..

DAD: HI GAY, I'M DAD..!

Dad: clenches fist

Mom: DON’T

Dad: sweats profusely

Mom: ...

Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches Fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, IM DAD"

Grandma: Stares at Grandpa

Grandpa: Clenches Fist

Grandma: "Don't!"

Grandpa: Sweats Profusely

Grandma: "..."

Grandpa: "HI DAD, I'M GRANDPA"

Son: "HI GRANDPA, I'M GAY"

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

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Me: watches nervously
Mom: glances at Dad
Dad: clenches fists
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: "Hi, Gay. I'm Dad.