I remember, when i was a teacher, a student came up and said 'hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson?'

I just looked right through him. Mad world innit.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Username_Checks-In
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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I yelled "hello" to my friend walking far from me. He didn't know whether to merely raise his hand or say "hello" back...

He wavered.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: Iโ€™m not a terminator anymore, Iโ€™m retired

Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!

Arnold: Howโ€˜s that my concern?

Me: If youโ€™re retired doesnโ€™t that make you an exterminator?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Temilitary
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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[At work] Me: "Hello, sir, what can I get for you?" Customer: "Give me a few seconds."

Me: "Seconds are going to cost extra."

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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"s,e"
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rypper12345
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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I was so disappointed, I moped for a while.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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The trifecta
๐Ÿ‘︎ 291
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lobstersmoothies
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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So here's Perry
๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hados1109
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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Called the vets this morning...

Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."

Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"

Me: "He's holding his head to one side."

Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"

Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the_houser
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Request for help remembering a joke

Hello,

I am requesting help with remembering a joke. Posts of this type did not seem to be against the subreddit's rules, but if I am in error, please let me know and delete my post.

Anyway, here is what I remember of the joke:

It is movie themed and it says something like this: "There should be a post-apocalyptic zombie movie with a romantic comedy element. Then we would have the world's first rom-com-zom-dom-bomb." The only thing is that I forget what the "dom" was supposed to mean and whether or not there is more to this joke, either in the set-up or the punchline. I googled it to no avail. Any help is appreciated.

Thank you

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ontoforever
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.

Homework time.. complaining, I donโ€™t wanna, etc.

Me: Nicky, Iโ€™m getting upset.

Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, Iโ€™m Nicky.

Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 772
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AirCatcher
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.

He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.

The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? ยฃ50, that is all."

The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Remember Matt Damon?

I met a stranger oโ€Œโ€Œn tโ€Œโ€Œhe tโ€Œโ€Œube tโ€Œโ€Œhe oโ€Œโ€Œther dโ€Œโ€Œay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sโ€Œโ€Œaid, "โ€Œโ€ŒRemember Matt Damon".

That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".

But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tโ€Œโ€Œapped oโ€Œโ€Œn mโ€Œโ€Œy bedroom wโ€Œโ€Œindow, aโ€Œโ€Œt 1โ€Œโ€Œ1.30 pm last nโ€Œโ€Œight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "โ€Œโ€ŒRemember Matt Damon."

My conversation with the police then went like this:

Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.

Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?

Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/td941
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2020
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What did the cheese say to the other cheese?

"Hello, me!"

^((for the non-dads: that's) ^("hallou mi"))

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/td941
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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A phone conversation

Me: hello

Ben: is your dad home? This is Ben

Me: sorry, heโ€™s not, Iโ€™ll have him call you back later

Ben: Just have him call me Ben, thanks

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/behold_the_man
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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Safety ratings

I work security at a large lab. We have a safety rating of green/yellow/red that we need to ask incoming workers. This occurred today when my co-worker greeted an incoming employee.

Co-worker: โ€œHello. What kind of work are you doing today? Green, yellow, or red work?โ€

Employee: โ€œIโ€™m just going to my office to water my plants.โ€

Me: โ€œThatโ€™s definitely green work.โ€

Co-worker: โ€œDid you have to?โ€

Me: โ€œSorry. That joke was low hanging fruit.โ€

Co-worker: โ€œReally?โ€

Me: โ€œGuess Iโ€™m stacking them up like cord wood today.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/II_Confused
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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My dad died in 2004, we still get calls for him at times.

this happened a few years ago. It's about my dad and something my dad would have laughed hard at.

phone rings I pick up

me: Hello

TeleMarketer: Hello is Mr ThrashandBurn's Dad available?

Me: ahhhh no he isn't

TM: do you know a better way to reach him?

with out hesitation

ME: Not unless you got a shovel.

I could hear him holding back his laugh wile trying to give his condolences.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThrashAndBurn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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When answering a phone at the office.

Caller: Hello, is ... there?

Me: Yes, he/she is here. (pauses for five seconds) Is that all you wanted to know?

Caller: Oh, Iโ€™m sorry. May I speak to ... please?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ebvillanueva
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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I have peaked Dad Jokeness

[Just some context]

Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment.

When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer."

I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 56
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MaterialIndividual
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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A recruiter emailed me and asked me to call him in the morning.

The following conversation ensued.

Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call.

Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning.

Receptionist: Who?

Me: In the morning.

Receptionist: I don't know who that is.

Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him "in the morning."

Receptionist: Giggle groan. That's a new one. Let me put you through.

Me: Thank you.

......

Recruiter: Hello this is ________.

Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me)

Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume.

....... Later

Me: Thanks in the morning.

Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that.

Me: Your email said to call you "in the morning."

Recruiter: Groans

๐Ÿ‘︎ 238
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Calthropstu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Someone else's son is in my house...

Me: Son, your bath is ready!

Son: I'm just getting my toys!

Me: Oh... Hello just getting my toys, if you see my son can you tell him his bath's ready?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dongwaffler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Double dad

So, my sister is having her final tests on high school (I'm in college and have a really cute son with my girlfried) and got home today with a weird look on her eyes. Me and dad were having some sandwiches and watching The Empire Strikes Back (Star Wars marathon hype!). I looked at her and asked what happened, she immediately responded "I'm tired as fuck." By that point, I looked at my dad. He was looking at me, with a sparkle on his eyes. We both stood up, walked to her and said together: "HELLO TIRED AS FUCK, WE ARE DAD" Even my mother started laughing. It was hillarious.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
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Pun help

Hello guys anyone can help me to get puns with the name "Lars" thanks <33

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Matias1997
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.

She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tsokolate_is_good
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Two men go to a job fair seeking employment [long]

They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MC_Bankrupt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Dadjokes at the bar

I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.

Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"

Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."

As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.

Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"

Husband: "I'm hanging on."

The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.

So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.

Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"

Bartender groans.

Wife: "Yes, please."

I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/toews4pres
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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Last time I was at the ocean

A friend asked me to tell it hello as they missed it. It didn't say anything back it just waved

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SheikahTribesman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didnโ€™t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didnโ€™t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "Iโ€™m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said โ€œMike, come over, nobody's home.โ€ So I went to her house and she was right, there wasnโ€™t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 40
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CCisme5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Got rekt by my Political Science Professor

lecture about US political culture

Prof: You guys like magic

Class: Yeah!

Prof: Okay I need a volunteer

I raised my hand so he picked me

Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle

I do

Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me

i fold it then hand it to him

Prof: You can still see the wings right? okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up

he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand

Prof: now say wing 3 times

Me: Wing wing wing

prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear

Prof: Hello?? This is Professor Frank, who is this?

The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD

๐Ÿ‘︎ 872
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SN1P3RJOE
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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Dad jokes at the doctor

Doctor, "Hello, thanks for being patient" Me, "Hello, thanks for being doctor" We both chuckled

๐Ÿ‘︎ 941
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hagerd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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GODDAMMIT.

So me and my twin sis went with my dad to a family barbecue thing, dad was frying the meat with my 8 uncles. They were taking too long to prepare the meat, so I decided to say that I'm hungry and they are slow.

Every single one of my uncles and my dad proceeded to stare at me and

"HELLO HUNGRY, I'M NOT SLOW, I'M DAD".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 279
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Little-Chocolate
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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GF hit me with this one

Me: Oh look, honey! There's a stray cat. Hello Mr. Cat!

Cat: (ignores)

GF: Wow that was rude. Guess he's used to getting... catcalled.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 58
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/master_nemo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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Some gems from my old man...

Any time we'd go to drive somewhere... "And we're off like a herd of turtles!"

"What would you like to eat?" "Food." "What kind of food?" "Edible food."

"If you're American outside the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom? European!"

"I'm thirsty!" "Hello Thursday, My name's Friday. Would you like to go out on Saturday and have a Sunday?"

And then, of course, he convinced me (or maybe I made it up in my little head?) that if I drank enough carrot juice I would be able to see in the dark, haha.

Wish I could remember more... He passed away when I was 8 or so. I'll happily share more if I remember them sometime. Heh, when he told my sister and I that he had cancer he insisted he had probably just swallowed a big crouton. :')

๐Ÿ‘︎ 150
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xingped
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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Unsolicited Calls. โ€ญ

โ€ญ020 8125 7830โ€ฌ: Hello, Iโ€™m calling about the accident you had in the last two years. Me: Gosh how did you know I trapped my cock in the hotel drawer? โ€ญ020 8125 7830โ€ฌ: (hesitation) So youโ€™ve had an accident within the last two years? Me: Yes I trapped my penis in the drawer at a Holiday Inn. Now itโ€™s gone a funny colour, and hurts all the time. โ€ญ020 8125 7830โ€ฌ: (hesitation.....) Click.

BLOCKED.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SiBodoh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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Never ask a plumber how they are doing.

Me: Hello plumber, how are you doing today?

Plumber: I feel drained.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xeroedouttwice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
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24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".


I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KetoSaiba
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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(Request) Need title for school assignment

Hello there,

I am doing a science project on cleaning products and I need a catchy title, so I figured I would go with a pun. The problem is, I can't think of one! If you guys could help me think of a one-liner pun involving somethng cleaning related, I would be very grateful!

Thanks.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rcjuneau
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2013
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My twin brother at my mom's aunt's funeral

A few months ago, my mothers aunt had died so we went to her funeral. Before the funeral mass had started, my mom told my brother and me to go up and say hello to Aunt Beth (the woman who had died). A few minutes later, my mom comes up and asks both of us "Did you go up to Aunt Beth and say hi" to which my brother replied "Yeah, but she was a real jerk. She just laid there and didn't say anything"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 194
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DickButtButt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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At a drive-thru today...

drive-thru employee: "Hello welcome to blah blah what can I get for you?"

me: "uhhh...give me one minute"

drive-thru employee: "got it, one minute...will that be everything?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 241
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wafflewrestler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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I had a dad joke moment. Wanted to share.

I wasn't sure if it fit but it made me think of this sub.

I was in the hospital with my dad. Late night, new nurse walks in.

Her: "Hello. My name is Angel, and I'll be your nurse tonight."

Dad: Looks up. "Well if you're an Angel I must be in heaven."

Me: "Oh my god. Really?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Z0MBIECL0WN
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
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Halloumi cheese

Was at work having lunch with colleagues when I saw some halloumi cheese.

I commented : "You know, that's what I say every morning when I see myself In the mirror"

Cue confused look

"Hello me"

groans all around

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/f1f2f3f4f5f6f7f8f9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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Dad hit me with this one when I came home the other night.

Walked in through the back door, heard my dad was still up watching Netflix so I went to say hello.

Dad: "Why didn't I hear you come in!?"

Me: "Uh, cause you're basically deaf and the tv is turned up all the way?"

Dad: "Could it be because you're wearing....sneakers?"

If I hadn't had actual things to discuss with him I would've rolled my eyes and walked away. Instead he got my obnoxiously fake laugh I created just for dad jokes like this.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 45
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rawr_Ima_Dinosaur
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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conundrums

Hello, can anyone explain to me this please?

"Why is it rare to find conundrums? Well, someone else usually does it for him."

Thanks!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/assaad33
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2017
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It comes so naturally

Wife is 8 and a half months pregnant, we were laying in bed last night.

Her: Babe, can you get me a glass of water?

Me: But... it's all the way in there(Jokingly of course)

Her: Please, I'm pregnant

Me:... Well hello there pregnant, I'm Mick.

Her:(Slight giggle) Seriously though please, I'm trying to keep my legs elevated

Me: Isn't that how you ended up in this situation

And then she groaned and I was laughing like an idiot.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 70
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JustAPaddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2014
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