I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.
A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.
There was a nasty storm over the Madrid airport
The rain over Spain fell mainly on the planes
A storm blew 25% of my roof off last night
Did you hear about the tornado chaser that lost all their camera when they got too close to the storm?
Their photos were uploaded to the cloud.
Last night was terrible. A storm passed through our campground and I had forgot to zip up the rainfly
After awhile the rain really got in tents
There was a whistleblower who warned about the snow storm
But he can’t come out of his house, Edwards Snowden.
Why didn't the storm trooper ever get a date?
He always missed his shot.
Thought of this while stuck in hobby lobby with my wife. She did not enjoy it as much as I did
My cousin Bob got kicked out of a bar. He stormed back in, so he was kicked out again.
He's my cousin twice removed.
We have a leak in our roof from the recent storm..
I guess you can say it's problem-attic
I wish this was funny, my roof is fucked
(I did make that joke up tho)
Why couldn't the owl find love in a rain storm?
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
A friend of mine asked if I want to hear a great Flash impression, And I said yes...
He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
And I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied. “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
Possibly the greatest Snap Reaction dad joke I've ever told (it even got me a POWERFUL groan and vehement FU from my wife)
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!"
Her: "What the hell does that mean?!"
Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
What's the opposite of a croissant?
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
As i child i was forced to walk the plank
We couldn't afford a dog...
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Here’s a positive post for the new year
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...
“How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
Why don't pirates let their children see pirate movies?
Because too many of them are rated ARRR!
Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID
It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
Did you hear about the storm trooper who changed a lightbulb?
He became a shock trooper
Has covid forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
You look for fresh prints
While watching “Home Alone” we were at the tar-on-the-basement-steps scene, and my daughter asks “where would you even get tar?” And my wife said…
Why did Jesus sail in the storm on the Sea of Galilee?
It's not like he was a huge fan of the fairer seas.
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.
They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. >
The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."
The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
What is the capital of Poland?
Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
My brother got arrested stealing concrete mix during a storm.
Now he’s a hardened criminal.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I’m sure he’ll come around, eventually.
I was having a debate with a flat earther and he stormed off saying he was going to walk to the end of the world to prove me wrong.
I’m sure he will come around sooner or later.
The storm last night took off a quarter of my roof!
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
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