A list of puns related to "Give Me Up"
That's why I usually sleep past noon.
Lift with your legs, not with your back.
Thyme waits for Noam, man.
"What did they look like?" I asked
He said, "$100 bills."
Friend: βHe lives in the apartment below me.β
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
"You have perfect eyesight"
https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK
Ex-static to see me she was!
And I thought to myself βthat was a little condescendingβ
I answered, "my virginity"
The first one I told took nine months!
Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:Edit2: More birds again
I told her βno thanks, the two I have are enough.β
Honestly, it rocks and I appreciate the sediment.
True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman canβt bend to pick it up becauseβ¦ ya knowβ¦ sheβs holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while sheβs looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and sayβ¦
βHere, let me give you a handβ
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
My dad, who's in his 50's, bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to let her rip!
As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red & blue lights behind him. "There's no freakin' way they can catch a Tesla," he thought to himself. So he let her rip further. The needle hit 100, 120β¦ then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it, then said:
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
My dad thinks for a second then says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
Iβve been using this classic for a long time. It will never get old, but I want to mix it up a bit. Give me something other than, βHi hungry. Iβm Dad.β
They're just living there for the meantime
NOTE: If you don't get it, search up GMT
We saw a bee today and it was too cold to fly
Did it forget itβs yellow jacket?
What are the opposite of the following.
Always Stop Take Me Down
He was a basket case.
I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying
We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff
I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile
I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times
Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty
I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him
He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad
Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes
Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch
Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet
I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you
Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best
My son (16) is playing a video game where you can pick up a bunch of different weapons. He always asks me "Which is better?" and I'll stop what I'm doing to give my input. The following conversation just happened...
S: This? or this? (Sword or wheel)
Me: Obviously the wheel.
10 minutes later...
S: This wheel is bad. It doesn't do any damage.
Me: Switch to something else.
S: But I just got it 10 minutes ago. I can't just get rid of it like that... it's... no I gotta keep using it... it's... it's WHEELY good.
It's all downhill from here folks.
The criminal said βgive me one good reason not to shoot youβ.
David looked at the criminal and said βPlease donβt shoot, Iβm unarmedβ.
Because they donβt want a personal fowl.
I opened my water bill and electric bill and was shocked!
Yes I edited it after seeing I left "bill" off electric....still not funny I guess. Thus is life.
Than Soviet
They say I have an βoutstanding balance.β
So the sad day comes that a family must lay their grandfather to rest. He wished to be buried alongside his wife in the family plot. Unfortunately the family plot is up a long, tall hill and the access road doesn't reach all the way.
The pallbearers dutifully begin to haul the casket up the hill when disaster strikes! One of the pallbearers twists his ankle and instinctively grabs for the casket to steady himself, resulting in all the other pallbearers falling along with him and grandpa going Rogue, his casket sliding down the hill and steadily gaining speed. People are leaping, diving, scrabbling to try to stop their runaway corpse when the pastor charged with giving the graveside sermon calmly reaches into his pocket, retrieves a piece of candy, and--with expert aim--tosses it ahead of the casket. When it reaches where the candy dropped the casket stops dead in its tracks. One of the family members, surprised beyond grief, asks "What on earth did you throw!?"
The pastor responds "Oh, ever since I started doing these services regularly I've kept a packet of lozenges with me. They help stop the coffin."
If the 10th Fast and Furious franchise isn't called, "Fast and Furious: Fast 10 your seatbelts" I'm not watching it.
A string walked into a bar, knocked on the table and said "bartender, give me a drink" the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings."
The string left and went to another bar, knocked on the table and said "bartender, give me a drink" the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings."
The string, being understandably frustrated finds a random person walking past the bar and says "hey, I'll give you $20 if you fray me up and tie me Into a knot"
Now, the string walks into the first bar again, knocks on the table and says "bartender, give me a drink."
The bartender, looking slightly confused asks "hey, weren't you that string that was in here a little bit ago?"
The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyβre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. βIβd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,β it says. βSorry, but I canβt serve you,β the bartender replies. βYouβre out of your head.β
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. βWe donβt serve your kind here,β the bartender says. βWhy not?β one yogurt asks. βWeβre cultured.β
A friend of mine didnβt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereβs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, βWhat are you staring at? Havenβt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?β The guy says, βItβs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.β
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says, βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
A turtle is crossing the road when heβs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast.β
Armed robbersβsome say theyβre a drain on society, but youβve got to give it to them.
Barbersβ¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donβt forget the pickle. Itβs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereβs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisβ¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit β‘Because heβs never gonna give you βUpβ.
Me: I give up.
Dad: Why? The question wasnβt that hard.
After 12 visits without any reduction in pain, he finally told me he was only pulling my leg.
He's never gonna give you UP
He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal⦠Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.
He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ββStairway to Heavenββ. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner canβt help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.
The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that heβs a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, heβs always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time heβll ever get to do it.
The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything heβs ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.
That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that theyβll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.
The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before heβs even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ββThank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of βStairway to Heavenβ, but tonight, I figured Iβd do some original compositions. I hope you like them.ββ He sits down and starts playing.
He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes
For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ββpineapple sauce!ββ and ββlove and hate are second cousins!ββ. He screams then whispers, playing notes that donβt make any sort of reasonable sense.
The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet itβs justβ¦ horrendous.
The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h
... keep reading on reddit β‘He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:
"Nice suit."
The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.
Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:
"That's a lovely watch."
Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:
"Great haircut."
The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:
"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."
"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.
"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.
A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:
"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."
... stuck on my dashboard to give me inspiration. One day my car hit a bump and both Ians went flying through a side window. I swerved drastically but I just couldn't keep up with the car dash Ians.
So I went to sleep
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