My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
I was at a buffet trying to get some spaghetti but a lady was blocking me...
I couldn't think what present to get my wife for her birthday, so I asked her. With tears welling in her eyes, she replied, "oh darling, nothing would make me happier than some diamond earrings".
I went to get some new bees for my hive, I told the guy I only needed 12 but the guy gave me 13. So I asked him why.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
My friend managed to get himself stuck in some gorilla glue, flex tape and cooking oil. He called me asking for some help so I replied...
Sorry but I dont wanna get stuck in the middle of all this.
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
My wife asked me to go get some milk
My wife: can you go out and get a gallon of milk, if they have oranges get 5
Me: *comes home with 5 gallons of milk"
My wife:???
Me: they had oranges...
I got a peanut stuck in my ear so my doctor advised me to pour in some melted chocolate to get it out
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
My wife told me she was going out to get some joggers.
I was surprised when she came home with two sweaty men.
My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.
But then during babysitting.
My dad was telling me about his doctor’s appointment today. He needed to get some vaccines, but because of Covid he would have to go to the office and they would give them to him in his car.
He said he was going to be involved in a drive by shooting.
Took me awhile, but I was finally able to get my hands in some Iranian money for my coin collection!
I'm rial-ly developing a respectable collection, lemme tell ya!
Me and some other guys like to get together at the local supermarket to show off our rare breed black-feathered chickens. New guy today mustn't have understood because...
There was an unexpected white hen in the bragging area
Me *at service station*: want to get some sweets for the road?
Dad: I think the road’s already full thanks
Someone had to pull some strings for me to get into that prestigious marionette school.
Wife told me she was going to clean out the spice rack and get some fresh stuff
I told her it sounded like a waste of her thyme.
I went to the store to get some nails they asked me how long I wanted them
My wife told me she was going to get me some poo pourri
I asked her, "what is that?"
She said, "it's stuff you spray in the toilet before you go so it doesn't stink."
I said, "that's un-bowel-ievable."
Just met Henry Winkler! He asked me for $20 and said if I get three people to give me $20, I'll make my money back and then some...
Sounds like a typical Fonzie Scheme
Dad asked me to get some Naval Oranges
I asked "do you care about their ranks?"
Not from my dad but involving him so I think that counts. Also took him a second to realize what I said. He then chuckled a bit.
My dad asked me to get him some fingernail clippers, and after he was done using them...
Dad: Hey, put these back where you found them.
Me: Okay, toss 'em
Dad: tosses the clippers to the right, into the fireplace
Me: W-What the heck, Dad?!
Dad: You didn't say to toss them to you
My dad is a dadjoke dad through and through. He usually doesn't get me but this one needed some recognition from my behalf.
My mom was showing him pictures of my cousin on her phone that had sent her pictures in front of a famous ice cream parlor back in our hometown. It was the parlor's 9th anniversary and my cousin was pictured in front of a big "9" in the store. My mom was explaining to my dad that the place had been open for 9 years and my dad replies with...
"Wow, that's impressive. How did they get the ice cream to not melt all this time?"
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