Get Me Some of That Puns

I'm just living on borrowed thyme.

I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying

We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff

I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile

I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times

Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty

I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him

He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad

Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes

Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch

Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet

I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you

Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

I saved this from r/dadjokes back in 2016, hopefully no one else has posted it recently! 🤣

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;
And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;
His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;
But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;
For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;
I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;
And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;
Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";
I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;
And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

I'm training for this ahead of time.

Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.

Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.

Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.

Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Edit #5: I'm about to start training.

Me: My wife yesterday was all on my case. "You'll never get a car made out of spaghetti to work!" she says. Man - y'all should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Friend 1: Oof - seriously. You should see if you can get supplements for that bad-joke problem.

Me: Maybe I'll try some vitamins. I'll grab some B2, B3, B5, and B6. Gonna skip B4 - that's in the past.

Friend 1: If I stop setting these up will you just, you know, stop?

Me: I tried Omega3 before, but the benefits were Super Fish Oil.

Friend 2: How do I unsubscribe from this group text?

Me: Maybe I can order some Vitamin C from a Mexican website. That means "Vitamin Yes" in Spanish, right?

Friend 1: Dead. I'm dead here. You've killed me. And humor.

Me: Actually my doctor said I should be eating more citrus fruits. Oranges, specifically. He also said I needed to drop some pounds. He said it was the "Weight and C" approach.

Friend 2: You're looking these up.

Me: Not all of them. I mean, I did get some of them from this big dictionary I have. It's pun-abridged.

Friend 1: If I had to grade these jokes, you'd get a Vitamin D. That's a 1.0 GPA.

Me: I'm going to have to put those grades up for adoption. I don't think I'll be able to raise them.

Friend 1: D-

Me: Maybe I should look into becoming a marine biologist as a career. Since my grades are so far below "C" level.

Friend 2: JFC. Is there any way to make it stop?

Me: Nope! I'm PUN-STOPPABLE!

In all fairness, I had heard most of these before (I have loved puns since college) but this was the first time I've gotten a good long run in a single pass. Also this is nearly-verbatim. I removed a couple identifying things and re-ordered a few of the messages for clarity of response.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

A cleaning material was usually put onto it to clean them, but it was very sticky, and had to be taken off before someone could go on it. One day, a man comes home to his wife stuck on the toilet seat because he didn't take the stuff off.

"Jim! How could you not tell me you cleaned it?! I can't get off!"

"It's alright honey, I'll help you"

After he tries many times to remove the seat from his wife's bottom, he still can't get it off. His wife is in pain and agony. Jim suggests that they visit the local doctor. His wife is mortified, but she reluctantly agrees.

They arrive at the hospital and request to see a doctor. The lady at the front desk told them to sit down and wait.

"Jim, everyone here is staring at me!"

"It's alright honey"

His wife is on the verge of tears, and Jim is still finding the situation hard to believe. Eventually, the doctor calls them into his room.

"So, what seems to be the problem today, ma'am?"

She explains what happened to the doctor. The doctor nods, and starts calling for some assistance.

"Jim, he's never seen anything like this before"

The doctor looks over.

"I have seen it before, just never framed and mounted"

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h

I Thoth I'd get more of a Ha, Heh, and a maybe even a Kek out of her, but instead she thinks I'm a Nut! I even got all dressed up in my best Khepri shorts to practice on my material with her. I had hoped she'd be more agreeable to them, but she even started bullying me, grabbed my arm and Hatmehit myself a few times, so I told her to stop with that and Imentet! I don't like being treated like some street Mut!

I tried to tell her, "Babi, please stop!" She, however, was having Nun of it! It was starting to Geb me a bruise! Besides, I hadn't even gotten to my Bastet ones yet! So I told myself Heqet all! I'm gonna tell my jokes, because at least they make me Hapi! She didn't care, just told me to Shu! Said I was a Nemty-headed fool. How rude!

Being a Tefnut to crack, I called for the Aten-tion of my friends so they could at least listen to my whole Set, and busted out with this great Amun-gus joke! I certainly thought it was a Neith little joke, but right off the Bat, they were telling me to Wadjet with the dumb puns, and I need to Wadj-wer I'm taking these jokes. One of them even did a literal face-palm and stood up to leave! I told him to stop that, because I don't like to see Menhit themselves, or anyone for that matter, so thankfully, Hesat down again.

I tried Anhur-ther time, but another friend accused me of Nepit-ism! I told him he clearly never Nu what that word meant to begin with, Aani just spits in my face! Ptah! I really Maat him angry, it seems. Nothing but Ra Ra rabble rabble with him....I wanted to wash his mouth out and see how the Sopdu in fixing that bad attitude of his...

After that treatment, I had no choice but to Pakhet in. Bennu really rough day dealing with all this pushback. Neper again will I tell another pun. Isis the error of my ways now and learned a valuable lesson today: Even the closest people in your life will either like the jokes you Hathor they won't. If they don't, you just have to Reshep your comedy routine to the crowd you're playing to, otherwise, you'll upset your girlfriend so badly, you'll end up sleeping in the Shed!

Greetings Reddit. This isn't your classical dad joke, but I bet that this sub definitely has some memers versed in this particular art. I have an odd but noble request. A request that will probably involve you abandoning some of your morals and going to lengths that you never thought possible. Some of you may not survive this, others will be scared for life. For those of you who do survive, all I can promise is an absolute abundance of vicarious comedic climaxing.

I am looking for the most complex, well-executed, strategically sound, stealthy, and grandiose ligma joke of all time, one that my friend will not see c(u)oming. He is very, very well-versed in ligma jokes, so this will be a difficult task. For example, just today I tried to get him with a Europe joke (Europe on this dick), but he caught it right away, didn't even flinch. I got him with a Samir joke a few weeks ago (Samiring these nuts on your face), but that's the only recent success I've had (really had to tee that one up too). I even asked him if he wants to hear about the new girl I'm talking to named Wilma (Wilma dick fit in yo ass) AND HE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND.

As you can see, I'm at war with an absolute psychopath who is extremely well-versed and capable in this particular style of warfare. I'm looking for a complex ligma joke that he will never see coming. I will go to great lengths to achieve this sweet comedic release. I am talking about some pepe silva level shit. I am talking fake my own death just to jump out of my casket at the funeral type shit. So, please send any recommendations. Before you call me a normie, this war is based on layers and layers of irony.

The Air Force General says to the others, "I am proud to lead some of the bravest Airmen in the world. Watch this." He looks out the window and sees a passing Airman. "Hey, Airman!" he shouts, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. I want you to kill one for me!"

"Yes, sir!" the Airman shouts and runs off to get a long pole. Using the pole, he beats a rattlesnake to death and pulls it out. "See?" the Air Force General says, "bravery."

"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Marine General, "watch this. Hey, Marine!" he yells out the window at a passing Marine, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 2 of them for me!"

"Aye, sir!" yells the Marine and he charges in, grabbing 2 rattlesnakes and strangling them to death with his bare hands. "See?" the Marine General says, "bravery."

"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Army General, "watch this. Hey, Soldier!" he yells out the window at a passing Soldier, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 3 of them for me!"

"Fuck no, sir! I'm not doing that shit!" yells the Soldier. "See?" the Army General says, "bravery."

In the soft drink section of target with the wife.

Me: “Oooh should we get some kool aid?”

Her: “That sounds so good but our only pitcher has apple juice in it.”

Me: “We really need a deeper starting rotation.”

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

Back in my Senior year of college, my Granddaddy passed not long after my Senior Recital (roughly early April). After his passing I was informed that at some point in the 50's or 60's he had purchased the rights to a lake out in East Texas and named it Lake Givea. I asked my dad why Granddaddy named it that and he told me that neither he, my uncle or Granny ever got the same answer twice when they asked. I mention this lake as he left it in his will to me to now have the rights to Lake Givea and it was now mine. Bear in mind, this was also right after several storms had been through its area. A few weeks after Granddaddy's funeral, Dad and I went down to the lake to inspect it and see what was what with it and to start any possible repairs. We investigated and spent a lotof time trying to spruce up the place and schedule some much needed repairs to the area and figured we would check on it as things moved along. One week after months of repairs Dad and I decided to see the progress for ourselves instead of getting updates from the contractors. We stopped at a local joint near the lake to grab a bite and the news in a local paper that broke our hearts: after massive flooding nearby, my Givea Dam was broken.

It's true

Like all beings, the cow was brought into being by the universe.

The cow was very curious about its existence and asked a lot of questions of the universe.

"what am I?" it asked.

"a cow" the universe relied.

"why am I here?" it asked

"to be a cow" the universe relied, and nudged a pile of hay nearby, trying to distract her from digging deeper into that question.

The universe has a lot on its plate, existentially speaking, and in the past its gotten a bit fed up with some of its creatures.

But after what happened to Adam and Eve, the universe learned to be more patient with inquisitive beings.

The success of cats is largely because they take responsibility for their own curiosity.

But the cow was a bit needier, seeking answers rather than exploration.

The universe hoped the smell from the hay would entice it to act rather than ask.

"What's that?" the cow asked.

"Hay" the universe sighed..."for eating," it added, hoping to keep the cow quiet for a while so the universe could focus on other things.

It worked for a while but as soon as the cow's 4 stomachs were full it started asking questions again.

And that's when the universe created a bull.

"And what is that?" she asked

"That's a bull" the universe replied and wiggled its existential eyebrows suggestively.

The cow headed over to the bull and chatted him up, leaving the universe in peace for a while.

The cow was content in until she started started noticing some changes in her body.

"what's this?" she asked, pointing to her swelling body.

"You're pregnant" it replied.

She got really curious about what that meant and became very hyper asking question after question about pregnancy and birth.

She remained excited throughout the gestation, asking questions to prepare for her for the birth.

But when the day came she relaxed, and stayed focused on the task at hand. And after she gave birth, she was exhausted!

Nevertheless, she pulled herself together, looked at the baby that she brought in to the world and, predictably, asked the universe:

"What's that?"

"A calf" the universe sighed, trying to accept the relentless inquisitiveness of the cow.

"Ohhhh!" she sighed, "that explains it!"

The universe blinked. It couldn't help itself.

"Explains what?" it asked.

"Why I'm so tired!"

The universe paused.

"it's because," the cow said, "I'm decalfinated".

And the universe took the power of speech away from the cow for eternity.

... ...

Edited

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

Reading the nameplate on her desk the frog begins, “Good morning Miss Whack, my name is Kermit and I need a loan.”

“Okay Kermit, I’ll need some more information, named after your father, the famous muppet, I assume?”

“No, but I get that a lot. It’s Jagger, my dad is the rock star Mick Jagger”

“Oh I apologize Mr. Jagger, didn’t realize Mick had any frog children. The last thing we’ll need is some sort of collateral to guarantee the loan. “

Kermit Jagger reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small plastic elephant and puts it on the desk between them saying “I think this will suffice.”

Looking down in confusion at the trinket she says “this is rather unusual Mr Jagger, I’ll need to consult with my manager.” Shouting into the next office she says, “Bob can you come in here for a second?”

“What’s up Patty?” The manager asks.

“Kermit here just gave me this plastic elephant as collateral for a loan. Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

“Of course” Bob responds. “It’s a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

Over the last year whenever I order something online from a small business I make sure to write "write a dad joke on the invoice" in the memo section at checkout.

I've gotten some lame ones like what did the ghost say to the bees? Boo-bees

I've gotten some good ones, even had a gun store give me the shatner panties joke

But today's just hit peak dad joke status....

They included my invoice sheet and a separate sheet of printer paper with nothing on it but the words "a dad joke" in like 200 size font.

It's short, sweet, super corny and makes you facepalm, but still had me laughing out loud for about five minutes.

Bravo good sir, you definitely have a couple of kids at home that get lots of practice rolling their eyes

His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.

The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.

One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!

Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?

But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi

The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”

Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

We’ve been in a bad joke email war for some time now. It’s been so long, I don’t remember how it started. It may have happened when I moved out after staying with him and my mom for a while.

Long story short: I’ve got a lot of dad jokes to share with y’all, because we are constantly sending “dad jokes” to each other. And I have hundreds of jokes that are LITERALLY from my dad.

All the best jokes? They are headed your way!

Here’s some to get you started. I am copying and pasting them exactly as he writes in the email so you can get the full “dad” effect. He’s 72.

Everyone who can, take a moment out of your day to call your dad.

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the male pumpkin told the female pumpkin ................you look gourdish today boo me love dad

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Exaggeration is a billion times better than understatement..........................love, dad

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Is it true that if you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes an "aware wolf" ?

————————————

If swimming is good for your figure how do you explain whales?

Bad aina, I almost didn't send it.......................................Love dad

————————————

Have a good night everyone, and see you soon!

My son: "Dad, I didn't get enough fries. Can I have some of yours?"

Me: "Sure, I'll trade you 1 of my fries for every 1 of yours."

Son: "That's a horrible deal!"

Me: "I don't know. It seems like an even trade to me."

Here's the background:

Before my wife and I were dating, but after we had officially met, I saw her at my regular pool hall one night. She was wearing some "worn in" jeans with all kinds of holes in the legs. At some point during the night, I approached her.

> Me: "Did you know that your jeans have holes in them?"

> Her: (confused) "Yeah..."

> Me: "Did you know that it's very distracting?"

I then walked away and proceeded to not talk to her at all the rest of the night and just let the idea simmer.

Fast forward 2.5 years >>>

We were married and expecting our first child. When we discovered she was pregnant, I thought it'd be a good idea to get our genomes checked out by 23andme to see if we were carriers of anything.

I was reading the results out to her and started with myself. I was fascinated by how perfectly I was described by the report. Almost every physical aspect was right on the money.

I then started reading her results. And it was a perfect match... for her sister. The results didn't describe my wife at all, but they did almost 100% match her (not a twin) sister. I chuckled to myself and looked at her.

> Me: Do you know what this means?

> Her: What?

> Me: Your genes have holes in them.

I consider this my crowning achievement in both dad jokes and overall pundom. I don't think I'll ever top that one.

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

“I live in Spain without the ‘s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the “Bah”.

1. I have a double China without the “a”.

2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the “an”.

3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the “J”.

5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the “Ku”.

6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the “Ne”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the “Den”, of course.

Dad Awards

To truly capture the “Spirit of the Dad” what are some achievements you think make a True Dad?

1. “Fixed it!” - complete an entire home improvement project in a single trip to the hardware/lumber store.

2. “Gotcha!” - demonstrate the Dad Reflex by catching a toddler seconds before disaster.

3. “That’s my boy/girl!” - get in trouble with the SO when your son/daughter picked up a bad habit of yours, or develops your bad sense of humor/pranks.

4. “Here boy!” - develop a stronger bond with the new family pet than any of the kids who wanted it in the first place.

5. “Office time” - spend at least 30 minutes in the bathroom hiding from the kids/spouse even though you don’t actually have to go to the bathroom.

6. “Blame it on the dog” - make at least one passenger choke on a fart in the car.

7. “Really?” - have a kid/spouse completely buy in to one of your bad dad jokes. (I had my wife convinced for nearly an hour that the rumble strips on the side of the highway was called the “Brailleway” and it was for blind drivers)

8. “But the kids will love it!” - use the kids as justification to purchase something that you’ve always wanted.

9. “Try it, you’ll like it!” - introduce a kid into your hobby as an excuse to go out more often than the spouse would usually tolerate.

10. “Saved the day!” - prevent a meltdown by fixing the favorite toy that seemed completely destroyed.

11. “Animal surgeon” - conduct ‘surgery’ to patch up a favorite stuffed animal.

12. “Here, let me show you” - take over a video game under the guise of showing the kid how to play.

What else can you add to this list?

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about love—

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most moving—at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came in—

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the net—and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed her—

shut.

For days I watched her bang—

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a siren—but this thing is nothing

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. “This technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. “Can you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

“Yeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,“but it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained “When these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” “Treating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

“It’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

“There are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” “That future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. “Don’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

“Now let that sink in!”

So, before i get to the joke, you should all know that everyone in my class knows me for my shitty dad jokes and they hate me for it and today was probably the proudest moment of my life. So here's what happened.

Ecology teacher: does anyone know how to pronounce the name of this bird?

Me: willow ptarmigan (pronounced willow tarmigan. you see where this is going)

15 seconds later

Me: did you know that you can't hear willow ptarmigans go to the bathroom.

Confused classroom: what? Why?

Me: because the P is silent...

I hear the class slowly fill with groans and "oh my god"s followed by some guilty chuckles. And then, my teacher, who is about as strict and as hard to make laugh as they get, slowly sinks into her table and covers her face. And then she giggles. Just a little. This goes right up there for proudest moment of my life, next to saving a child from a burning building. Except I've never saved a child from a burning building...

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?

Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.

P1: How so?

P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.

P1: You raise at interesting point.

P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?

P1: Yes

P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.

I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son.

We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours!) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice.

Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful?

Him: Yeah.

Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case...

Him: Yes?

Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say "Baby Changing Station"? Just stick her in there, close the lid...

Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up!

Me: <literally tapdancing away>

For our anniversary my wife requested a printer/scanner. After doing some research I tell her that Brother would be a good brand to get.

"The one I'm looking at is black. That's a little bit racists, right?" Her face doesn't change, an indication that the joke failed and just to move on.

So she asks me if the printer has cables.

"Nope! It works through the wifi so you won't have to worry about wires! You can even print stuff from your phone!"

"Oh. So doesn't that mean I can't hook a Brother up?"

I was so proud of her.

I hope this type of post is allowed!

I am going to visit my grandma this Tuesday to say goodbye to her. She is 87 and very ill, she is mentally still with it but in a lot of pain. She sounds at peace, I think she is just doing her best to hang on til we can get to her.

My grandma loves stupid jokes, dad jokes, puns, all that stuff. I’d love to share some laughs with her when I say goodbye. Hit me with your favorite and dumbest dad jokes and I will share the best ones with her.

Thank you Reddit fam!

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

I come to this subreddit everyday to get my fill of home baked dad jokes and some of these jokes are slackin. Let alone that most of them are puns!

I’ve already read ten puns today hoping that at least one of them would make me laugh but no pun in ten did!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn