Gazelle ankles Puns

To My Lovely Wife,

I know you and the kids miss me. Please know I think of you every day. The time away has been rough. More so than usual we have lost a lot of good men this year. Carson, Hockenson, JuJu, Sanders, and E Moore have all been lost for this year. They were good men. A devastating disease has wiped out entire teams. We have survived the worst of it but Sergeant Gibson just got it himself, he is in no shape to fight.

My men and I have received our orders. We are going over the top today. Do not worry, I have a lot of good men with me. Staff Sergeant Taylor has unbelievable speed, he runs though no man's land like a gazelle, I doubt we would have gotten this far without him. Corporal Higgins saved the entire platoon last week. He managed to get into the enemy trench and when I finally caught up to him, he was surrounded by over 40 dead men. Corporals AJ Brown and D Johnson have done good work as well during this campaign. Specialist Cooks has always been reliable. There was a time the world thought him dead, but he keeps reminding the world he is still kicking. Private Pitts is truly special. Men his size should not be able to do what he can. He has a lot to learn but I expect him to be one of the best in near future. Sergeant Swift has just recovered from his injuries. We will need him with the loss of Gibson. First Lieutenant Jackson is not looking good. Normally Jackson is leading the charge but his ankle puts him in no shape to fight. Second Lieutenant Wentz is borderline incompentant, the men don't trust him. I have decided to go with my gut and told 2nd Lieutenant Lance that he will be my 2nd in command in today's engagement. He is young, with little experience but if he is to truly lead men someday, he will need to show that today.

I know you hate when campaign season starts, that the children need a father. These days it feels like it never ends because when I get home I start to prepare for the next one. It's the only way people will respect me. I want to go home with my head held high. Someone our kids can look up to. If this battle is a success I will have gotten enough money to take the whole family out for dinner. I am sure the kids will understand. The first wave leaves in less than 2 hours. I will keep you and the kids in my heart.

From,

Your Loving Husband

P.S. I hope this letter is able to find you. I know it might seem odd that I am posting this to Reddit, but it's the only way I know how to communicate.

The House loomed above us. It sat as a broken, teetering tribute to the dead, perched atop Cackle Hill like a crown of rotting lumber. It was the most famous thing in our town. The thing everybody knew, everybody talked about, but nobody dared disturb.

We were warned again and again to steer clear of the House, to avoid even so much as looking at it when we walked by for fear that we’d see the man in the window. Him, with his tiny eyes and snaggle-toothed smile. Him, with his violent delights. But of course, such superstitions are lost on children.

We braved the House on Halloween night. There were three of us then, twelve years old and small enough to navigate the maze of bramble that encircled the hill, deft enough to avoid the sharp thorns that pressed in upon the House like a barbed wire fence.

The property was old. Shambling. It once belonged to a wealthy man named Erich Cackle, an aristocrat who owned most of the real estate in town. The story goes that Cackle was a charming man with a taste for delicacies. He enjoyed fine foods from all across the world, whether that be escargot or snake wine. He loved to try things. Eat things.

At one point, he decided to try human flesh. And at one point, he decided that he liked it.

It’s estimated that over a hundred different corpses litter Cackle Hill, their bones scattered amongst the bramble. These days it’s officially recognized as a burial ground. A final resting place for a legion of people with no name and no history, no record of their existence besides the occasional femur rising from the dirt.

Twenty-two years ago though, the legend spun into overdrive. On Halloween night 1989, four children crawled through the thickets of thorns and made it into Cackle House. All four were massacred. They're still finding pieces of them today.

Ever since, it’s been closed off. Out of bounds. The authorities said it was out of respect to the children, to the dozens of graves that covered the property.

But the locals knew better.

They knew that Erich Cackle had never been tried for his crimes. They knew that he lived a full life, one with blood on his hands, hair in his teeth, and flesh in his belly. They knew that despite being dead for over a hundred years, Cackle still lived in that house. He still watched them from atop the hill.

Or at least, that's what you hear on the playground. Around campfires. It's what your older brother would taunt you with before turning off the lights for bed.

Stories like

Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/s3a12a/dont_ever_visit_the_black_forest_pt1/

I had a strange but sure feeling that the man was still within a few miles of the cabin, somewhere in the forest; and something in me told me that he had something to do with that unnerving tree, with that hole. In my luggage I had brought a small wild-life camera, the kind used to capture footage of animals in the wild from a remote distance. Looking back, my plan was risky and foolish: I was going to set up the camera in the bushes around that tree, see if I could get some footage of that man. If I did, maybe I could convince the authorities to come out here and investigate whatever shit was going on on the mountain. The camera automatically uploaded the footage to my laptop (through some wonder of digital programming, it didn't need internet to function), so I didn't even need to retrieve it; I just had to get it out there.

In the utility cupboard of the cabin I found a large axe, the kind used for chopping wood, as big as my leg. I wasn't sure whether it would be effective were I to be attacked, but it sure as hell made me feel more comfortable.

Nervously, I stepped out into the snow, axe gripped tightly and the camera in the pocket of my winter coat. My first few steps were tentative, expecting any moment to see that ghastly figure come rushing from the treeline; but the longer he didn't appear the more confident I grew.

I set off the way I had travelled the way before; although my boot-tracks had been covered up by a fresh layer of snow, I remembered pretty well the path I had taken to the tree. Once amongst the pines, my anxiety began to increase again; there were so many places for somebody to hide. But I reassured myself: I didn't care if he wanted to hide in a bush and watch me, as long as he didn't bloody show himself. In truth, if I had heard the slightest crack of a twig, let alone actually seen the man, I would have gone sprinting back to the cabin, abandoning the entire thing.

I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when I actually reached the tree; although the eerie air around it quickly dampened my spirits again. I positioned the camera in a fern, well hidden, directly facing that awful hole. I turned it on, and started recording (the battery life could last for three days straight). Glad to be done with it, I began to make my hasty way bac

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

I don’t want beef with the “start Minshew” nerds, but if I never saw him start a game in an eagles uniform it would be too soon. I don’t care that it’s “just the jets”..

Anyway, I think most can agree the goal this year is to find out what you truly have in Hurts as a QB, Sirianni as a head coach/playcaller, and if either have any staying power in the NFL. Both have had very questionable moments but both have shown significant growth the past month, despite the miserable giants game.

In the early weeks, it was clear Hurts was far too quick to abandon his reads and revert to his god given running ability. Although his decision making has improved slightly, it’s still a problem (giving up on plays too soon). It’s undeniable that he has that unique ability to somehow come up with positive yards or at least protect himself and the ball when plays break down. Again despite the shitty Giants game which I view as an outlier in the past 5 games, and I think that’s fair to say given new HC/QB.

If you really want to know what Jalen can do as a pocket passer (aka longevity in this league), why not start him with a bum ankle while he has no choice but rely on his arm?

Sure he might get maimed and mauled like an injured gazelle on the Serengeti if he continues to give up on reads and revert to ol reliable, but it could be a real opportunity to force a change in his perspective on his ability as a QB. Or at least further the team goal of finding out what you do/don’t have in the current team leaders.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

They were cooked in Greece.

A play on words.

For you, tanthon19 :)

Flax (shenu) was of huge economic importance to the ancient Egyptians, and was used to make ropes, mats, baskets, and linen (mnkht) clothing, sheets, sails, and bandages. The seed was an important source of oil, used for lamps, cooking, medicine, and as a base for pigments. Flax was seen as a gift of the Nile, as the Hymn to the Flood (Hymn to Hapi) puts it: "People are clothed with the flax of His fields."

In contrast to the Babylonians, Hebrews, and Assyrians, with their heavy, restricting, and concealing woolen robes, the Egyptians preferred light, airy clothing made from linen. Men often wore only a loincloth or kilt (schent, shendyt, or skent), a simple rectangular piece of linen wrapped around the lower body and tucked in at the waist. Older men preferred long, ankle-length kilts, while younger men wore short ones.

Women typically wore sheer, transparent overcoats and skirts, or sheath dresses, often with shoulder straps, baring the breasts. This dress is generally depicted as being skin-tight, but in reality it was wrapped rather loosely. Both sexes wore tunics, sashes, aprons, kerchiefs, cloaks, shawls, and detached sleeves. "Name tags" have been found on clothing - small embroidered marks with the name of the owner.

Modesty was not a serious concern for either sex. Female dancers, acrobats, and servants often were naked, wearing only their jewelry - usually a bead or shell girdle. Farmers, bricklayers, and fishermen worked partially or completely naked, and children did not wear any clothes at all until they came of age (12-14 years old.) The wearing of clothes held together by knotted belts was seen as an important step of the child to adulthood. Bare feet were usual, but sometimes sandals made of leather or woven papyrus or palm fibers were worn. The pharaoh often had sandals made of gold, which curled up in the front.

The more wealth one had to pay for the making and upkeep of clothing, the more was worn. The clothing of the wealthy had elaborate drapes and pleats, and was often starched and bleached. Very little sewing was done - the cloth was often wrapped or draped around the body and held in p

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

When I got home, they were still there.