G Host Puns

Said if she ever hosts a gender reveal party, when it comes time to pop the balloon she'll spray everyone with water.

Gender is fluid.

The company I work for was having their annual Christmas party, but this time on Zoom for obvious reasons, and they asked me to host. I panicked as I had no idea how I would keep the crowds' spirits high. So I came to this sub and used a lot of you guys' dad jokes. Being a dad myself I thought it would work out. And it did! Your jokes killed! I just wanted to say a sincere thank you to all the submissions on this sub. The jokes on here are gold.

"No, she said. First of all, guests usually make a side dish. To make a main course might be seen as an imposition. Plus, chicken is a cliche, everyone makes chicken. Come to a potluck, everyone expects to see chicken. It's boring."

I said, "What about beef?"

"No, that would definitely impose on the host's prerogative to choose the entree," she said. "That's too much of an imposition. Also, beef is everywhere these days, so people will naturally expect a beef dish."

"Okay, then, how about we make something with a popular brand of canned spiced ham?"

"Perfect!," she said.

Because no one expects the Spam dish imposition.

Because the virus is always looking for a host.

A chess tournament was hosted in a large hotel. The matches were civil and professional, but the payers would get noisy and brag loudly. It got so bad you could hear it all throughout the lobby Finally the manager shut the whole thing down and tossed all the players out of the hotel. You just can’t have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?" The man says, “I’m a snail." The host says, "And who's that on your back?" And the man says, "That's Michelle!"

The other day, we took our kids (2 and 5) on a hay ride at a seasonal event hosted by a local farm.

When the hayride ended and we were getting off, the couple in front of us pointed out that a nearby goat was eating grass with it's head poked though a small hole in the fence. To my comment "See, the grass really is greener on the other side".

I turned and there was no reaction by my family, or the couple, but I was overjoyed at my joke. Looks like I'll have to get used to this reaction.

/r/dadjokes will be hosting an open mic night using reddit's new feature Reddit Talk! Come, hang out, test the new feature, and tell us your best dad jokes!

The event will last one hour and begin at 5PM PST (8PM EST, midnight UTC). In order to access Reddit Talk you will need to be using the latest version of the official reddit app. Looking forward to talking to you all!

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defense. As licensed broadcasters, they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them that several nuclear missile launches had occured, and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. But what was the point in that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?

Ernie looked up at Bert. Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune, while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio coor, the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.

Bert. always the consummate professional, turned away as the first explosion split the horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt and brushed his hair back. He would meat his fiery death with dignity.

He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"

Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He hugged his companion, released him and studied Bert's face. He saw the closeness they shared, all the long years tying them together, and the strength of their relationship. He took a deep breath, with tears streaming down his cheeks. He spoke in a quiet, broken tone:

"With your eyes, Bert."

Hi punsters! My wife and I would like to request your help for naming the following party food items with Hawaiian puns. We are hosting a Hawaiian themed baby shower for my wife. The plan is to put tags next to each item.

Ex: Poke bowls: Gotta catch ’em all

Cheese Dips

Salsa Dips

Tortilla Chips

Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Nutter Butter Cookies

Samosas

Cake Pops (shaped like coconuts)

Cup Cakes

Coconut Trifles

Edible Arrangements (Cut up fruit)

Thank you!

After checking that everything was included, turned to the host and told him that if I hadn't checked, my wife would have grilled me when I got home.

Host: What are you?

Me: I'm a harp.

Host: You're costume's a bit too small to be a harp.

Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?

He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.

"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.

"Oh, This is Michelle"

This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, “Thank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

“Thank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

His son hosts a gender reveal and they all have fun.

Soon people start to leave, until it's just the son, his wife, and their parents.

The man walks to his son and tells him to follow him.

He leads them into a his work room and tells him to take a seat.

The son stares in awe as he has never really been in the room before.

The dad pulls it a book and places it on the table. "Son, this is the book of dad jokes, my father gave this to me when I had you. I have studied it for countless hours, front to back. I think it's time I gave it to you"

The son, emotional, starts tearing up. "Thank you dad, I'm grateful" and hugs the dad

The dad hugs him and says "Hi grateful, I'm dad"

sorry it was long but I thought it belonged here

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

The host says, “What are you dressed as?” I tell him, “I’m a harp.” He says, “But your costume is to small to be a harp.” I was incredibly offended, and tell him, “Are you calling me a lyre?!”

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed “yes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

Inside jokes.

(Adapted from WFAN host Steve Somers while talking to Jerry Seinfeld today on the air)

Guest: No thanks, I’m allergic to nuts.

Host: Which ones?

Guest: cah... cah... CA-SHEWS!!!

Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.

"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"

"Why's that Dad?"

"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."

A HOST of reasons.

It turns a Host into a Ghost

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

Host Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

Host Alright.... I guess you have a belt....You still need a jacket.

The man goes back out to his car and fishes out a jacket his wore to a wedding a year ago. He shares it off, brushes it with his hand, and puts it on.

Host Ok. You still need a tie. It is required.

The man goes out to his car. He doesn't have a tie. He puts on jumper cables and makes a perfect Windsor knot.

Host You have a belt and a jacket. I guess you have a tie.

Just don't try to start something....

Host dips her chip into a bowl of taco dip, breaks chip, new person arrives at the front door, host gives up and walks away with chip stuck in dip.

Person next to me: "Wow, she just left it in there."

Me: "Yeah, she abandoned chip..."

Wife just groans and walks away.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

In other words, I'm doing everything I can to be a bad host.

...the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume - I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.

My sister teaches at a high school for children with learning and behavior disorders, and every year she hosts a skills summer camp.

2015 will be geology-themed, and we need help thinking of a fun name for the camp.

Previous years: 2014 Summer Scenarios: Little Egypt (Egyptian themed) 2013 Summer Scenarios (first year had no kitchy name, but it was zombie-themed)

Potential examples: Stone Throne, Rock Steady, Taken for Granite, etc.

During the live-in camp (boarding school), they'll learn survival/outdoorsmanship skills (fire starting, gardening, canoeing, etc.), and have geologists as guest speakers.

Any high school learning-friendly geology-themed blockbusters would be welcome suggestions, too--but I'll post that for the people over at /r/movies.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: Thanks to everyone who actually gave appropriate suggestions, and high-fives to those who just made rock puns. My sister selected Game of Stones.

What do you call a show hosted by a vegetable?

The Okra Winfrey show!

Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner are already spoken for, but Thanksgiving hasn't been discussed yet. Thanksgiving is usually at my father-in-law's, but my stepmother-in-law has previously hinted that she might not want to host anymore.

Wife: "I talked to [stepmother-in-law] today, and she didn't say 'boo' about Thanksgiving."

Me: "Did she say 'gobble gobble'?"

Atmosphere was terrible and the HOST was so rude

But when the guests arrived the hosts took the alcohol and divided it among all the guests.

“What type of party is this!?” exclaimed a guest.

One of the hosts smiled and replied, “A communist party.”

Hosting Web sites.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

It was the father, son, and the goalie host.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Host: what are you?

Me: I'm a harp.

Host: Your costumes too small to be a harp.

Me: are you calling me a lyre!?

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Host: What are you? Me: A harp. Host: Your costume is too small for a harp. Me: Are you calling me a lyre!?