Free to Move Puns

They don't have beef with anyone.

Shoutout to u/TomrummetsKald for the original post that gained so much traction. This is my take on that joke if it was told by the late, great Norm MacDonald. Feel free to read in a voice that reminds you of moths or professors of logic.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The nurse says to the rabbit, “Oh, what makes you want to give blood today, rabbit?” And the rabbit begins to explain.

“Oh, nurse, it was such a long journey to get here. You see, I was very sickly as a child. I had a rare anemia of the blood that has been passed down through my family across the generations. There was little that the doctors could do. But then, one day, my older brother died in a horrible, fiery crash, and I was too weak to give him the blood that could have saved his life.

“I became terribly distraught and sought out the counsel of our family priest, who told me the best way to get over my guilt and my shame was to become strong and physically conditioned so that one day even I, with my rare anemia of the blood, could give the blood that could not save my brother, but could save other rabbits.

“So with the priest by my side, I trained for years, until one day a doctor cleared me to safely give blood. I was so proud, and I knew my brother would not die in vain.

“But when I arrived at the blood bank, to my *shock* and *horror,* I remembered my other brother who died of a heroin overdose, and it awakened in me a deep-seated phobia of needles!

“Fortunately, our family priest knew of a minister who specialized in helping rabbits overcome deep-seated phobias. (There’s an obscure seminary in Wyoming that teaches the craft.) It was another long and hard road, filled with many sleepless nights, but he helped me build my spirit as strong as my body, until one day I found that I was no longer afraid of needles!

“And so, I, a rabbit who has been through so much, invited the priest and the minister to accompany me to the blood bank today, to share in this great moment in which I am finally able to give blood in honor of my dear, deceased brothers.”

When the rabbit finished his story, the nurse was quite moved.

“My goodness, that is quite an inspirational story, rabbit. And how good it is that you, the priest and the minister, were able to accompany th

Today, I was riding with friends through downtown. We got stuck behind a pick up truck at a red light. The driver had a window sticker emblazoned across his window for a dot com. "WWW.FREEMANGAS.COM" We all commented on how it sounded like a scam site. Why would anyone post Manga to a web site for free? Maybe, they bootleg videos? And, why would you advertise on your big white Dodge Ram? It just felt like a weird sticker. The light changes and we move to the turn lane, right beside the driver door. More vinyl decals..."Freeman Gas." I am still laughing.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

Putting the small boy in the waiting chair. He sat down and ordered the full-works: haircut, shave, scalp massage.

Via the mirror he kept an eye on the boy and each time the lad showed any sign of moving, he said sternly "Stay there, now."

When he was finished, he stood up and motioned the boy into the barbers chair. "I'll be right back," he said to the barber. "There's just something I have to get in the shop next door."

The barber got on with the boy's haircut, but the man did not reappear. When the haircut was complete, the barber said: "Your dad's being a long time."

"He's not my dad" said the boy. "Who is he then?" asked the barber. "He's just a man who came up to me and said, "Hey, do you want a free haircut?"

Now British women are finally free to move diagonally.

My GF and I have both been tired every night since we just finished moving our house. She was also on her period, so our frisky time has been cut down. She asked me last night to feel free to be more promiscuous with her, now that her period is ending.

Today we were putting a new TV stand together. She held the TV as a I maneuvered the screwdriver. I stopped and told her "Hey, you got your wish, we're screwing on the bed!"

I will not be screwing on the bed tonight after that.

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

Our 3 week old son doesn't like to be swaddled up with his hands at his side. He raises a fuss if he isn't able to move his hands around. My wife pointed out that he likes hands free.

Me: "I'll get him a bluetooth for Christmas now."

She wouldn't even acknowledge what I said.