I told my friend I was going to rob a toy store for some board games
He said I could go to jail for it. I said it was a Risk worth taking
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Itβs a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldnβt whisk for a batter friend.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
My friend wagered that I didn't know another word for aiding in a wrongdoing...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
My friend and I were talking about another friend who became a preacher when he suddenly showed up seeking advice for his sermon...
I said, "well, speak of the devil!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
One of my friends told me he was opening a clothing store that sold everything except for hats.
I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
My friend got me an action figure of a birdman with an abacus for Christmas
I didnβt really want it but itβs the Thoth that counts
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
For Xmas I bought my friend a gift voucher for the opticians.
Just a little something to help her see in the New Year.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
Me: going to my friends for new year's eve celebration
My dad: See you in a year.
Ps. It happens every damn time
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
My friend said that its impossible for a river to move through the desert.
I told him he was in deNile.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jun 08 2020
My one friend told me that even though I decorate the church for the holidays...
I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!
π︎ 119
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
I asked a friend for one reason I shouldn't murder my boss.
His answer was simple. There is no Netflix in prison.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
My friend injects his marijuana plants with sugar water as they grow, they sells bags of it for much higher prices...
He's trying to sweeten the pot.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
My Mexican friend needed a bodysuit for her baby...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary
I said, βMark, my words!β
π︎ 359
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
My friend was explaining at length about how he was digging holes in his back yard for water.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
I bought a lamp for my friend
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
My friend invited me over for dumplings this weekend.
I told her donβt worry about it, I know itβs a lot of wok.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
My friend used to clean house for a famous singer-guitar player, til he died in 2016. She then became a police investigator...
She dusted for Prince now she's dusting for prints.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
My friend and I both wanted credit for a movie we made.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
My friend: I forgot the word for βrepeating somethingβ
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
Is my friend good enough for the big leagues (for puns)?
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 21 2019
A dad meets his friend on the street. βHave you met my daughter Beth?β βNo, whatβs Beth short for?β
βI donβt know, most three year olds arenβt that tall.β
π︎ 30
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
I wrote a card for my friend who just graduated high school and wants to study geology and/or paleontology in college. She also likes puns :)
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 26 2020
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
When I go for a walk with my best friend, he canβt help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks theyβre so adorable!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Here is a pun for all my bible reading friends
In an alternate universe, God sends popeye down to speak to moses. When Moses asks Popeye who he is, he responds
"I yam who yam"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 12 2020
My friend bought me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday.
It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
My best friend has a good eye for dad jokes...
But the jokes couldnβt be any cornea.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
My friend is a medical professional who does circumcisions for a living.
He doesn't get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
My friend has peg on his short sleeve shirt for balancing small white balls on when he wants to whack them with a club...
He always wears his tee-shirt when golfing.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
My friend got me a prostitute for my birthday, but he didn't know I'm turned off by bad teeth.
I didn't check though because you don't look a gift whore in the mouth.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
Iβve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, theyβre cheapskates.
π︎ 75
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
After going back to college to get yet another degree, some of my friends made fun of me for it.
They were some real 3rd degree burns.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
I haven't heard from my italian friend for a while now
I'm starting to think he pasta away
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and Iβve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
π︎ 295
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
π︎ 39
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...
βDonβt mention it.β
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
I was really mad at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.
I said, βMark, my words!β
π︎ 62
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
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