My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I donβt believe him.
But thatβs his story, and heβs sticking to it.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
All my hispanic friends love it when I say βmucho.β
π︎ 310
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
π︎ 280
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
π︎ 248
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
π︎ 139
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
My friend David lost his ID today
π︎ 97
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
My friend asked me if Princess Bride jokes are still a thing
I said, βtheyβre mostly deadβ
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
My friend just can't afford to pay his huge water bill...
I've sent him a Get Well Soon card.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
Get it. guys... ( none of my friends laughing)
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
My friend and I swim a lot
People regularly consider us as fishy
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
When I was first learning Photoshop I got a bit creative. I could hear my friends roll their eyes.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
My friend had the left side of his body ripped off in an accident.
But the doctor said heβll be all right.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I told my friend I was going to rob a toy store for some board games
He said I could go to jail for it. I said it was a Risk worth taking
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
My friend told me, "Did you know trees drop edible stuff, that aren't fruit?"
"That's nuts." I replied.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.
I said, βMark, my words!β
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
π︎ 601
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
π︎ 47
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.
Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Itβs a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldnβt whisk for a batter friend.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
I was going to tell my friend a terrible bowling joke
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he canβt even look at himself in the mirror.
π︎ 261
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
My friend was worried about hitting all the bars on his guitar neck at his recital...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
My friend sent me this
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
My friend called me and said he lost the million dollar prize because he couldn't think of a neighbor to Saudi Arabia...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My friend told me, βYour wife and daughter look like twins!β
I said, βWell, they were separated at birth.β
π︎ 24k
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
My friend rolled the ball down the lane 10 times, knocking over all the pins each time!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
A story of my friend Al
While on vacation to a Caribbean island, he was Tropic Al
As a master gardener, he is Botanic Al
When the people need a doctor, he is Medic Al
When he tells clever jokes, heβs Comic Al
He can look two ways at once as Bidirection Al
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
Curse the creator of autocorrect! I asked my friend what the best shampoo to use was, and he replied βPanettoneβ.
That was last Tuesday, and I still havenβt got all the crumbs out of my hair.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
π︎ 78
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
so my drummer friend and her partner just had triplets. Girls. Their names?
Anna One, Anna Two, Anna 1-2-3.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
My friend likes being talked down to...
Feather pillows are his passion.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
I like to say mucho when iβm talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it.
Heβll do anything for a buck.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
My friends keep trying to convince me to let a 2,000 elephant sit on me.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn.... πΆ
π︎ 298
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
My friend David lost his ID,
π︎ 47
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill
So I sent him a "get well soon" card
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill....
So, I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...
π︎ 57
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
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