20 Hilarious For All Time Puns

I asked my boss Juan for some time off and all I got was a little cow.

I just wanted a little vaca.

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👤︎ u/buckeyespud

📅︎ Feb 18 2021

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So scientists finally discovered a fossilised dinosaur butt. For it to survive intact all that time...

It must have been a megasaurus.

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👤︎ u/TheLifeOfRyanB

📅︎ Jan 20 2021

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For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.

But it turns out, they're all below C level.

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👤︎ u/weirdgroovynerd

📅︎ Dec 14 2020

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So if GOAT stands for "Greatest of all time" what does HUMAN stand for?

Anything that they don't want to sit or lay down for

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👤︎ u/burnerphonedotexe

📅︎ Oct 21 2020

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Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.

They pared up nicely.

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👤︎ u/thomasbrakeline

📅︎ May 03 2020

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The moment I learned that “phở” is actually pronounced “fuh,” I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phở restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as ‘racy wordplay’ than it does ‘punny’?)

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👤︎ u/70M70M

📅︎ Jan 10 2020

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The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

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👤︎ u/xxUsernameMichael

📅︎ Apr 27 2020

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I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.

I think that would be pretty handy.

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👤︎ u/ShaggyB

📅︎ Feb 13 2020

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My friend used to say this all the time when someone disagreed with an opinion of his. Not sure if it’s appropriate for this sub, but it still makes me laugh when used today.

“Well, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are, and those who are not, my uncle.”

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👤︎ u/TheNightmanCometh10

📅︎ Mar 04 2020

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Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!

She's going to love these flowers!

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👤︎ u/madazzahatter

📅︎ Dec 22 2019

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I've really enjoyed the past year here and have gotten some great material for my repertoire that never ceases to amaze the wife and kids, but I think it's time I had a short word with you all

Short

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👤︎ u/TimothyLux

📅︎ Oct 14 2019

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This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.

Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.

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👤︎ u/doktorstrange7

📅︎ Jun 09 2019

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My daughter is 14 and dating. Her boyfriend’s name is Braden, I think..so I just use any B name that comes to mind to annoy her. Braden, Brody, Bradley, Brandon, Bruce, Bryce, etc. Looking for more suggestions! I also talk gangster to her all the time to get her going. Being a ‘Dad Joke’ Dad is fun!

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👤︎ u/Lachrondizzle23

📅︎ Jan 31 2019

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I was looking all over for this spice, but it was here the whole time!! imgur.com/a/GiCCv

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👤︎ u/jalisesuzzanne

📅︎ Mar 30 2018

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After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said “I’ve had it, I’ve lost all of my patients!” And I said “you know what?...

Maybe you should be a better doctor”

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👤︎ u/aexolthum

📅︎ Sep 23 2018

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Citizen Kane is considered one of the greatest movies of all time largely for it's cinematography. One scene in particular is famous for it's "floor shot" for which they had to literally dig a pit in the middle of the stage to acheive the correct perspective.

It was groundbreaking.

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👤︎ u/BottleSSBM

📅︎ Oct 30 2016

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This sub is great and all but I have wanted to say this for a long time now....

This.

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👤︎ u/Alfie_13

📅︎ May 03 2017

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My dad's version of a well known nursery rhyme. He used to recite this all the time when I was a kid and then proceed to laugh hysterically for several minutes.

Hickory Dickory Dock

Three mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

And the other two got away with minor injuries.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS

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👤︎ u/BardLover108

📅︎ Sep 23 2013

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My brother's known for having to go to the bathroom all. the. freaking. time.

Dad: We finally figured out a way to get Ian to stop spending so much time in the bathroom!

Uncle: Really? How?

Dad: Well, depends.

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👤︎ u/frenchmeister

📅︎ Nov 15 2013

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An all time low for my dad...

Pops takes me, my wife, and my kids out for a post Christmas meal at the Rainforest Cafe.

We stand in line to put our names on the list. After giving the lady our name, my old man stops her and asks, "Excuse me mam, but do you allow pets in here?"

She responds back with a quizzical "I'm sorry but no."

Pops turns to me and says, "Sorry son, looks like you are waiting in the car." He then does the corny half laugh half cackle while the restaurant worker rolls her eyes and my wife laughs at me.

Damn him and his corny jokes!!!

P. S. Will use this on my kids later this week.

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👤︎ u/SouthpawNRelief

📅︎ Dec 30 2013

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