If you want some historical examples of excellent kissers, look at Bonnie and Clyde.
They made out like bandits.
Why did Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde hate going on vacation?
Because they had to pack, man.
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Always part of a classical dish
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
What kind of tree comes from your mouth?
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
I’m sorry aboot these. Please don’t kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and
Curiosity killed the cat :(
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call 2000 pounds of bones?
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water. Butane is a lighter fluid
DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.
Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.
If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.
Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???
Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.
Thank you,
A Dad.
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..
My Daughter says to me at dinner " Hey Dad, your glass is empty, would you like another one of those ? "
..why would I want two empty glasses..!?
What is the opposite of isolate?
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
My friend made a lot of money selling viagra
I told him to keep it up!
My wife has accused me of stealing her Thesaurus....
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
Someone has glued my pack of cards together...
I don't know how to deal with it.
My cousin has a crippling, irrational, fear of being beaten up by Mexicans.
….so his doctor gave him medication for Hispanic attacks.
I googled "What can you make with 50kg of sulfur?"
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden
He’s assembling his cabinet.
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
I saw a pack of gummy worms that said “No artificial flavor.”
Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke
I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
My dad asked me if I had heard of Murphy's Law
I said "Yes, dad. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong".
He then asked me if I had heard of Coles Law
"No, dad. What is that one"?
He says, "thinly sliced cabbage".
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
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