Family law Puns

Me: That's an odd word to get sick of.

During his first dinner with my family, my (now) wife's father casually complained, "I've got a problem with a few of my employees. I was crunching the numbers and noticed that they are taking 40% of their days off on Mondays and Fridays."

Eveyone else at the table stared blankly while my father cracked up. It took the rest of us a bit too long to get that dadjoke.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

Happened tonight at a family event.

My brother in law needed to leave early to have dinner with his folks who are notorious for always having some kind of pork for dinner. The rest of the family started joking about if it would be ribs, pork chops, pork tenderloins, etc.

After they stop guessing I make the comment,

Boy all these jokes repeating just feels like Ground Hogs day...

Wife laughed, the in laws groaned. Not sure if I made friends or not 😂

Last family picnic my sister in law made a really good fruit salad. I was talking with her an my spouse’s aunt about it. SIL was saying how she’d gotten a mini pineapple and mini watermelon for the salad.

The aunt asks “where’s you get all these mini fruit”

Without skipping a beat I reply “the minimart!”

We had a family reunion for my brother having a child. My sister in law brought bunt cake and my brother comes in. “Is this good? Is this bunt cake or home run cake?”

Q: What do you do if a piece of purple fruit gets stuck in the drain and clogs it?

A: Call the plumber.

Q: What do you do if you live in a purple house and the lights go out?

A: Go to the fuchsia box.

Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?

A: Make them do limeout.

Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?

A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.

(I've posted these on various places on the web outside of Reddit over the years under various screen names.)

Family and I went on a fancy boat tour of a local rich lake. The captain provided a running narrative over the intercom about the history of the houses, etc.

Captain: You'll notice all the piers look the same on the lake. There's no law governing that, everyone just agrees they should use the same color and materials. Some might call that "pier pressure."

Crowd: (groans)

Me: I think we need to dock him some points for that one...

Wife: (groans and pretends not to know me)

Me: "Hey, that's not a gouda thing to say."

My soon to be father in law laughed and said, "That was a good one."

It made me feel like a parmanent member of the family.

I found out in the family group message that my brother-in-law is in Guatemala for work.

Me: I hope you play some Pokemon while you're down there.

... because you Guate catch 'emala.

We're all sitting around the table as we scoop and tong all the things we want to eat. My brother-in-law is grabbing some pasta salad when my dad lays down this gem.

Dad: Hey Tim, can you pass-da-salad?

Tim: Yeah, sure. Oh god...

My dad and I proceed to laugh for about 5 minutes as the rest of the family sit their shaking their heads.

This was during Thanksgiving but I just remembered it the other day in the car. For Thanksgiving our family and in-laws all got a cabin in east TN. This cabin had a room with a pool table and in that room it had a door to the outside. Well my 12 year old nephew and I would go to play pool a lot and once time while we were down there I took my shoes off and they smelled terrible! So I decided to put them outside using the aforementioned door. Then the best set up of my life happened: My nephew said "Don't put them outside, the bears will eat them!"

Me: "No they wont, they might take them but they won't eat them"

Nephew: "why not?"

Me: "Because they have have bear feet"

My nephew just stared at me, and I sat there looking like suspense eel waiting for him to get it.. and he said "uncle fr0zen_yettiiii that was lame"

Just days after my dad made some tri-tip my family had another get together which my brother-in-law brought some ridiculously good tri-tip. Definitely blew the my dad's stuff out of the water.

Me: "I have to tell you, your tri-tip was good but Nick's (brother-in-law) is next level"

Dad: "Well that may be true but I helped him by giving him advice. In fact, I gave him three pieces of advice. Thats why they call it tri-tip!"

My wife, in-laws and I have a guest family on board our boat, fishing. It's part of a charity event.

Someone comes over the radio, "someone has a hot mic," meaning someones radio is unintentionally broadcasting.

I sprang into my action, because well, my name is Mike.

I looked at my wife who's across the boat, and so everyone can hear, "You have a hot Mike!"

My wife gave me a dirty look, my father-in-law​ laughed. Success.

My brother-in-law is known as the family idiot, or as my dad calls him, the F.C.P., the "Family Conversation Piece". He said this morning:

"I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to cold water"

To which my dad promptly replied, "I guess that would make you an aquaholic!"

My name is Paul and I cooked dinner for the family last night for my son's birthday. We were talking about the food and my brother-in-law (who is also a dad) turns to me and says "yes, it's cooked to paul-fection!"

Many groans were had.

I was at dinner with my family and I spoke up about Chris Squire dying recently and how he was a part of the band Yes.

My sister in law pipes up with: "Ahh, Yes, with their greatest hits: "Mhm" "Yep" "Okay"

With which my brother in law chimes in "There was also Affirmative but that was a little too nerdy for me."

I was at my in laws yesterday and I had an epic comeback.

MIL: I'm having pizza for dinner.
Me: Yeah and you'll get a pizza that tastes like a pizza. (She said she likes her pizza to taste like a pizza none of that BBQ chicken pizza stuff)
MIL: Ok. Coming from Mr Picky who didn't eat anything before he came into my family.
Me: The only thing I came into was your daughter.

To add to it all my wife is pregnant.

Today was my first Father's day and as we were cleaning up from the little party for all the dad's in my family, I couldn't help myself.

Wife and mother-in-law: "how do you feel?"
Me: "normally with my fingers."

They just rolled their eyes while I could hear chuckling from my dad and grandpa in the other room.

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

My mother-in-law was in the hospital for a week with spinal meningitis (she's fine now, fully recovered). During this hospitalization, the family cat went missing. While my wife and her father were at the hospital taking care of her mum and helping her get tons of tests done every day, one of my evening responsibilities was to go looking for the dang cat.

One evening towards the end of the week, I was updating them on the cat hunt situation, to which her father replied, "I just don't understand it. We've just been through about 6 CAT scans this week and we still can't find the bloody cat!"

...Groans ensued...

At one point at a family barbeque today the ended up sitting on a potato chip.

Mother-in-law: "better on your butt then on your shoulder."

Groans from everyone.

At a father's day breakfast with my father in law and family.

Father in law : "Have you guys tried almond milk? It's so delicious but I've always wondered how they milk those little almonds."