Did you guys hear about the new Space Jam sequel where Marvin the Martian joins the Monstars, scores all of their points and they win it all?

You should check it out, it’s a really good Martian Scores’easy film

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I was having an argument with my wife and she said I had a point

I didn't realise we were meant to keep score

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Party

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." observed the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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I asked my son why he got a 75 on his math test

β€œBecause” he replied β€œmy score was in retrograde”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Did you hear about the cow competition worth 1,000,000 dollars?

The higher up you can get your cow the higher the score you get.

The steaks are rising.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightBeATaco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I call woman miss

Because i never score

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slav_Imperator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?

Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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My favourite film reviewer is John Williams.

He just loves to score movies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiftyMcShift
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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Dad just texted me

See you next score

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonatkinsps
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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I beat my kids...

In soccer. The Score was 7:5

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danstokes100
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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The Seattle Symphony is playing Beethoven's 9th.

In the version they're doing, the bass section plays a bit at the start, then just sits there til the final part of the last movement. So, they decide to leave the concert and go out for drinks.

While at the bar down the street, they meet a European nobleman, and they become good friends. Unfortunately, the guy had been gorging himself on crappy bar food, and he quickly falls into a food coma.

One of the basses drunkenly checks his watch and says, "crap! We're not going to get back on stage in time!" As they're sprinting back, one of them says, "actually, I thought this would happen, so I tied some of the pages of the conductor's score together - that way, he'll have to slow the tempo way down with his right hand while undoes the knots with his left!"

And so they get back just in time to finish the Symphony, and the audience is none the wiser. The conductor, however, was furious.

After all, they'd left him at the bottom of the 9th, with the score tied, while the basses were loaded, and the Count was full.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomImmortal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tails?

It's your Yelp score

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/all-the-puppies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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A reggae badminton match has just started

The score is currently One Love

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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My uncle is an OG dad, schooling us all

Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments):

Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal!

Friend: Congratulations! What subject?

Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket. The system wanted me to fail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaSquad1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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I overheard a couple fighting in the other day.

They were arguing about the weather, one thought it was hailing, the other was sure it was rain. To settle their dispute they approached the communist officer, Rudolph. Rudolph settled the score by confirming that it was rain. The man then turns to his wife and says β€œRudolph the Red knows rain, dear”

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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(Long one) a kid was told to learn the first four letters of the aphabet

He wemt to his mum, who was doing work, and asked, "mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"

Mum: Shut up and go away!

Kid goes to his dad, who just got a perfect score in darts, and says: Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?

Dad: 180!!

Walks to older brother who was playing batman video games: whats the third letter of the alphabet?

Brother: na na na na na na na na BATMAN!

Walks up to younger brother playing with toys: whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?

Brother: driving my little red car.

Kid rolls up to school, ready to recite the first 4 letters of the alphabet.

Teacher: whats the first letter?

Kid: Shut up and go away!!

Teacher: HOW MANY HOURS OF DETENTION DO YOU WANT

Kid: 180!!

Teacher: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Kid: na na na na na na na na BATMAN

Teacher: HOW DO YKU THINK YOULL GET AWAY WITH THIS?!?

Kid: Driving my little red car

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubingWithAlex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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My Dad's Favorite Joke

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?" "Well I was lacing my shoes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby_849
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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Kid 1: I caught the ball and scored one point!

Kid 2: I also caught the ball! I win!

Kid 1: What? Why?

Kid 2: I scored 1.2

(From a conversation between my kids, 9 and 6, a few minutes ago.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/helava
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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Went to a football game with my friend Richard.

There was this guy on the pitch with a beanie on his head. He scored the first goal, a header.

"Great goal," I said.

"Yes," said my friend. "A great goal."

Another opportunity arose ten minutes later, and the same player jumped up, and scored another header. A terrific one.

"Wow, that was unstoppable," I told my friend.

"Yes, unbelievable. Unstoppable," he replied.

Towards the end of the game, the same player leapt up, scored another incredible header.

I turned to my friend, flabbergasted and said, "I think that thing on his head, it's giving him some sort of advantage. This entire game he hasn't missed a single header."

"What about it?" asked my friend.

I said. "He's got a hat, Rick."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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Did you hear about the tennis player who did not score?

They didn’t score, but they still made love.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imitaisskii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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So we're having a roast dinner; cue stupid dad joke.

Having roast pork for Sunday dinner, which needed to be scored to make crackling:

Mum: The meat needs to be scored.

Dad: 5 out of 10.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostunicorn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
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I turned 20 today.

Score!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/longconsilver13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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I gave a blood test..

And I scored A+ Guess I 'A'ced it..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phs_uw
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuasarSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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My dad told me he knows the score of the next Superbowl before it even happens

Its 0 to 0, of course thats the score before the game even starts

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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I scored 301 in bowling the other day...

You wouldn't expect me to score 300 and lose would you?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lothlorienlegend
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2017
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My dad on the SpaceX rocket landing

We were watching the live stream of the landing, just as it touched down and the crowd went crazy.

My dad: "That crowd is really excited. It's almost like they scored a touch-down!"

Me: sigh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/free_science
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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The guacamole incident

So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.

After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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Tennis couples are firm believers of abstinence.

Love means no score.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RainMorga
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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Dad joked my fellow soccer teammates.

I play indoor soccer with a group of guys every Thursday night at the local church. We play for fun so we have some ground rules so it doesn't get too aggressive. One of the guys went for a slide and scored a goal everyone was quite upset at this knowing we had already established that sliding, especially indoor, was not allowed. While everyone was arguing whether the goal counted or not I responded with, " I think we can let that one slide." Collective groan from many, many others allowed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewhatnowyousay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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I have a child, so I feel like I qualify....

Been chatting with a girl I met online... she never responded late last night and I wake up to this message this morning:

Her: Sorry! I fell asleep on you last night! Me: Weird... I didn't even feel you on me.

Anndddddd we're still talking. Score.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/margraves
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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I walked into my dad while holding a bunch of sheet music...

Him: hey looks like you scored big time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linktothenow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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My Catholic school teachers were like hockey goalies.

They were always trying to stop people from scoring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
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My pops and I watched the super bowl commercials together…

We skip most of the football due to the annoying announcers, confusing rules and frequent replay delays, but I was able to come up with an answer when he asked what happens when both teams fail to score in OT. It’s a tie, Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carltodw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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A horse walks into a bar

Thats minus 4 points for his show jumping score

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ttal027
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
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How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit from a hat?

Just one. It's a trick question.


[created for my neice & nephew; much giggling + groaning, so... score!]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smartnership
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
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Nature program dad joked.

My dad, step mum and I were watching a nature program. The topic turned to a lake that contained the largest number of wild mussels in the country. Cue conversation:

Dad: "I went to a party there once."

-Skeptical silence-

Dad: "Yeah, I pulled a mussel".

I groaned, step mum rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge the joke while dad is cracking up at himself. It took him a good minute to compose himself.

(For those unfamiliar with the slang, in England "to pull" someone means scoring/picking someone up at a bar/club/party or whatever)

EDIT cant spell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxdrop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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