A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“Im a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously “ I umm, mount dead animals”
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar “ it’s ok fellas, he’s one of us!”
100 years ago everyone owned a horse…
And only the rich had cars.
Now everyone has cars, and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.
My therapist told me to write letters to everyone who’s hurt me then burn them.
I’ve done that. Now what do I do with the letters?
I know a bit dark, but all in good fun :)
Everyone alive today was named after George Washington.
George Washington was born in 1732, and was probably named then as well.
I'm in the hospital. Everyone should know...
The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name
Everyone's heard of Murphy's Law - what can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law?
It's thinly sliced cabbage.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank...
was a victim of identity theft.
Everyone is bringing cheese to this party, and we're putting little flags in them.
Mine has a pirate flag because it's stolen.
I have been asking everyone what LGBTQ is?
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
In Iran, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..
Did you know there's a city where everyone has the same blood type?
The apocalypse is upon us! How is everyone holding up?
I have shot 3 zombies myself so far. Why are they all carrying candy?
Everyone keeps talking about their "late" Fathers' watches. They wouldn't be late if you didn't take their watch. Get a brain, morans!
/r/WatchesCirclejerk/comm…
Hey everyone! I threw a ball for my dog the other day.
And I want to tell you, she looks GREAT in a formal gown.
Just so everyone is clear...
I'm going to put my glasses on.
Everyone knows that a horse walked into a bar, but does anyone care why he was out drinking alone?
Because there was nothing stable in his life.
Everyone has the same delayed reaction when trying Metamucil for the first time…
…at first they say “that shit was nasty!” A day later they say “that shit was amazing!”
Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...
I challenge everyone to give me the answer to this: 5Q + 5Q equals?
Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.
From my 10 year old daughter… What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate?
Yee-Hanukkah
Edit: I showed her this and she was so tickled that 30+ people thought her joke was funny. This made her day.
Update: Last night she was asking for tally updates every 20 minutes or so and before bed she said, “I wonder if it will be at 1,000 when we wake up.”
Waking up to 6,000+ has blown her mind.
Thanks everyone, this has been a really special experience for her! We did it, Reddit!
Also, the jokes have not stopped. She is workshopping enough material for a Netflix special. Who’d have thought all her new stuff would be so blue? ( I kid).
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
There’s an early draft of the bible where everyone died in the great flood
that was the end of Noah’s arc
I dressed as a flamingo for Halloween, but everyone kept teasing me about it.
I finally had to put my foot down.
Despite having a busy schedule, why does everyone go to the Yoga Guru for yoga lessons?
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."
World's Worst Therapist: "I see."
I don't know why everyone was upset with me at the farmer market.
I was just taking a leek.
Donate blood everyone
That kind of donation is never done in vein
I went to the most recent tennis game in my town and started yelling a question about everyone's net worth.
My wife then backhanded me and told me to stop making such a racket.
The wedding was beautiful. EVERYONE cried.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Everyone told Sam to not sing
Turned out everyone at the potluck was a vegan
I saw a half lion, half eagle in the dining room at Hogwarts. Everyone was wondering how it had got in but it was obvious.
It came through the Griffindor.
Everyone Was Shocked When I Got My Tattoo In Madrid
Nobody expects the Spanish Ink-Precision!
If you received an F instead of an E on your astrology assignment this week, don't worry, everyone is receiving old scores
Mercury is in retro grade
I'm part of a prepping group that keeps track of shortages, so I figured I'd let everyone know...
...the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C. Everyone said he was crazy
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
My therapist told me to write letters to everyone who’s hurt me then burn them.
I’ve done that. Now what do I do with the letters?
100 Years Ago Everyone Owned a Horse...
100 years ago everyone owned a horse...
And only the rich had cars.
Now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
I've started telling everyone about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
100 years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
How the stables have turned.
Everyone told Sam not to sing
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