Earl Butz Puns

http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2012/jun/11/why-our-food-is-making-us-fat

"You know, I really did want to grow up to be Abraham Lincoln. No, no, I did. But you know what I found out? I found out that the world is nothing more than a bunch of second-generation mobsters, and their lawyers, and the PR guys, and the new-money crooks - who made theirs in the war - and the old-money crooks - who made theirs selling slaves and phony merchandise to both sides during the Civil-"

Mr. President slouched in the chair behind the Resolute Desk, Henry tilting his head in imperceptible emotion. Mr. President sunk his head into his hands. This was going to be the biggest address in American history, and they were no closer than when they had the original idea.

"Not to mention, of course, the goddamn, bat merchants from fuck knows where. They're the world beyond the world, that's - goddamnit. Roll the tape back again, let's try this one more time."

He got up from his chair and turned to face the window, peering out into the inky, deformed streets of the truly god-forsaken District of Columbia as it clashed and dueled with the decayed, crushed remnants of the much larger Fifth City. Kissinger did as requested, flipping up a panel on the controller and taking scissors to the section of tape just recorded. As he was stitching back together the two ends, he found himself questioning why Mr. President, rather short as residents of the Oval Office go, seemed to be standing taller than the typical three inches that separated the two men. Maybe it was the way he was carrying himself, maybe it was that he seemed to be less of a man altogether lately. But, Henry thought back, was Dick Nixon ever that much of a man back when he lived?

The round man from Massachusetts with the swept-over hair and the nearly cartoonishly large nose sat buried in a stack of paperwork, his contemporary in the Senate with slicked-back hair and that distinctive Kennedy intonation listening to a phone fixed to the wall nearby. They had spent all evening crossing names off of a grand list, exactly 535 long. When they started, there were two names they could cross off quite easily - both men had flown up to their home state a few days ago to do a few campaign events for the Democrats - but the rest were hard. It wasn't an easy thing to admit, even to themselves, that the vast majority of both the Senate and the House had went with D.C. It was through a massive coalition of staffers lucky enough to be caught in the outskirts of the Beltway or further beyond that they had any

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Do your worst!

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

Taken from the localisation file "TNO_USA_senator_names_l_english.yml"

Interesting things I observed:

1. Most states have a total of 12 possible senators, 2 for each party (RD-R, RD-D, NPP-L, NPP-C, NPP-FR, NPP-Y). But since some possible senators can become presidents (e.g. Gus Hall) or join a president’s cabinet (e.g. Russell B. Long), there are 5 states who have 14 possible senators (Arizona, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, and Mississippi) and 18 states with 13 possible senators (Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, New Jersey, New York, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Utah, and Washington).

2. This may or may not be a bug, but following senators appear multiples times:

• Lement Harris – possible NPP (L) senator for both Georgia and South Dakota
• Claude Lightfoot – possible NPP (L) senator for both Arkansas and Kentucky
• Delmer Berg – possible NPP (L) senator for both Arizona and California
• Edwin Westphal – possible NPP (Y) senator for both Alabama and Kansas
• Eustace Mullins – possible NPP (Y) senator for both New York and Virginia
• James Abourezk – possible senator for South Dakota for both the Republican and Democratic parties
• Cecil Andrus – possible senator for Idaho for both the Republican and NPP (C) parties

Clearly, the National Progressive Party has mastered the art of cloning.

3. The longest name is “Benjamin Franklin Dillingham II,” a possible NPP (FR) senator from Hawaii; the most common first name is “John” (41 instances), followed by James (22 instances) and “Charles” (14).

4. There are 22 “Jr.”s, 3 “Sr.”s, 3 “II”s, 2 “III”s, and 1 “IV.”

5. 3 senators have nicknames: Bolesław ‘Bill’ Gebert (Oregon, NPP-L), O. ‘Abe’ Murdock Jr. (Utah, RD-R), and W. A. ‘Tough Tony’ Boyle (Montana, NPP-C).

EDIT: 6) Just noticed the awesome father-son combo of Prescott “The Business Plot” Bush as RD-R from Connecticut and George H. W. “Treason And War Crimes” Bush as RD-D from Texas.

Anyway, on to the list of names:

National Progressive

It really does, I swear!

And now I’m cannelloni

Please welcome today's contestants:

• K.C. a graduate student from Bloomington, Indiana, was overwhelmed by Botticelli's Primavera;
• Graham, a musician from Lincoln, Nebraska, plays chamber music when not radio announcing; and
• Ken, a future Chaser, GOAT and Jeopardy! producer from Salt Lake City, Utah, took 20 minutes to get rid of a fan. Ken's 56-day cash winnings total $1,906,400.

Ken was nearly $10,000 in front after round one and was never threatened, leading into FJ with $24,800 vs. $6,800 for Graham and $6,600 for K.C.

DD1 - $800 - FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD- The name of these sugar, egg white & coconut cookies comes from the same root word as a pasta (Ken won $2,100 from his leading score of $5,400.)

DD2 - $1,200 - THE HOLE TRUTH - Asian location where a notoriously horrible event took place on the night of June 20, 1756 (Ken added $2,300 to his score of $17,700 vs. $4,800 for Graham.)

DD3 - $1,200 - LAKE CITY (name the lake located there) - Kampala, Uganda (K.C. won $2,000 from her total of $4,600 vs. $21,200 for Ken.)

FJ - FAMOUS AMERICANS - After his public comments were criticized by FDR, he resigned his Air Corps Reserve commission in April 1941

Only Ken was correct on FJ. He added $5,100 to win with $29,900 for a 57-day total of $1,936,300.

2004 clue selection strategy: It felt weird to see a 100% traditional top-down game, with no effort made at all to hunt for Daily Doubles. In fact, they barely even switched categories.

That's before our time: In the "BUT" category, no one knew the Secretary of Agriculture under Nixon & Ford, Earl Butz.

Missing the open net: For a clue about the 4-time Stanley Cup winner from 1980-83, even after Ken said "New York", was asked to be more specific and said "Rangers", his opponents couldn't come up with New York Islanders.

Correct Qs: DD1 - What are macaroons? DD2 - What is the Black Hole of Calcutta? DD3 - What is Lake Victoria? FJ - Who was Lindbergh?

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

And boy are my arms legs.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

A play on words.

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

At work, I have a workstation.

edit: cheers u/cheer_up_richard