Did you hear about the lady who backed up into the industrial fan?

It was a disaster...

Dis-assed-her

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hyliaman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. β€œBartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, β€œthere is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, β€œNo no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, β€œRuff!” The man carries on the bit, β€œSee bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, β€œNow boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” β€œWell here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” β€œRuff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, β€œI won’t ask again sir.” β€œI have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” β€œRuff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, β€œsorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, β€œmaybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DorkeyTree
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..

It’s because they di-late

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_beard2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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During my dental appointment, I found out that I had a lot of cavities

Turned out to be my dental dis-appointment

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together

Nolan says he will direct.

DiCaprio says he will act.

And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

πŸ‘︎ 344
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheese_Junky
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Did you hear about the church musician that lost his instrument?

He was really dis-organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/majestic_walrus1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Why does Norway have barcodes on the sides of it's ships ?

So that when they come back to the port they can "scan-di-navian"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Leonardo Di Caprio

Leo di Caprio is neither a Leo, nor is he a Capricorn. He's a Scorpio.

This pisces me off....

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzytechie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

Who am I to dis-a-brie?

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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What do you call a vanishing pear?

Dis-a-pear

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silviulescu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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When you die which organ is the last to go?

They eyes because they di-late

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackknifejimmy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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My farts have a particular smell.

They are dis-stinked!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Norwegian boats have barcodes on the side?

When they dock, they can scan-di-navian...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Why do you vanish when you insult a marina?

Because you dis a pier!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlefish1029
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I hope the tension on the Kashmir border doesn't escalate.

But I think it will work out Indian (In-di-an).

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shrimpio
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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I own disney

DisKnee, disLeg, disToe, disThigh and disAnkle

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Columbia University Marching Band shuts itself down.

Yes, they Dis-Banded.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewArborist64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone stole my weed...

I'm feeling very dis-jointed.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What Caine did to his brother?

DisAbeled him

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrZxAlan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who disses abusive words

Dis-cuss

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashrajt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Bad haircut

What do you call someone who's unhappy with their haircut?

Dis-tressed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George Clooney said, β€œI’ll direct!”

Leonardo DiCaprio said, β€œI’ll produce!”

Matthew McConaughey said, β€œI’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write!”

πŸ‘︎ 303
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacticalslacker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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I spotted both girls named Riya together in my office and both were pissed off as I greeted them together.

Apparently di-hi-riya was not an efficient way to say hi to both.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asian_despot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
We should go into a beautiful forest and make fun of our vice president

If we could just dis Pence with the pleasant trees

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlippinYoshi
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The Weeknd met with an accident yesterday

Now he's dis-abel-d

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Y_M_N_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the damsel say while trying on a dress?

Should I be in dis-dress.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterNoob42
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my wife with a food joke.

Wife: Did you hear Buca di Beppo (an Italian restaurant) is serving a three course dish called Friends, Romans, and Countrymen?

Me: Will we need to bring corn?

Wife: I don't know. Why?

Me: I assume we will need to lend them some ears.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xilban
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2016
🚨︎ report
My Australian friend was told he may no longer handle marsupials...

I guess you could say he has been dis-koala-fied.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CAdamH
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my wife and son. Feeling very proud.

Okay so today is payday and my wife and I were making up our budget. My son (2 years old) comes over and takes the pen trying to color on my wife's notebook. We turn it to a blank page and just let him go crazy.

He then starts trying to color on himself, marking a line on his forehead.

I take the pen and say, "No Joshua! That's where I, (looked at my wife when I said this next part) DRAW THE LINE." Wife groaned, my son wined for a bit, I laughed my ass off.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HobbyLobbyAtheist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Freestyle rap is being added as an event at the Special Olympics

It's a great way to showcase people with dis abilities.

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cactuar32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?

So they can scan-di-navian

πŸ‘︎ 439
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do Norwegian boats have a barcode on the side

So they can Scan-di-navian

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fatboyonadiet4lyf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My appointment was cancelled

It was a dis-appointment.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rover359
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio said, "I'll Produce"

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

πŸ‘︎ 284
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie.

Clooney says, β€œI’ll direct.”

DiCaprio says, β€œI’ll produce.”

McConaughey says, β€œI’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnarlyyowl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Why should you never trust an unmade bed?

They're dis-sheet-ful!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/istolethisface
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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