Not to brag, but I experimented a lot with drugs and sex when I was in college.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."
“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...
My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.
I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”
No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins
I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.
Patients who recover on Saturdays and Sundays have a weekend immune system.
Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems?
Because of their Auntie-bodies
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I don’t know what he laced them with but, I’ve been tripping all day....
Why is Dark spelled with a ‘K’ and not a ‘C’?
Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark
My school had a big problem with drugs
My wife was telling me about a new drug for ADHD. She said, "the side effects are worse than the symptoms!"
I replied, "The Simpson's is a pretty wholesome and entertaining cartoon. If the side effects are worse, then they can't be that bad."
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
What's the similarity between a person with rheumatism and a high school drug dealer
They both have bad joints
I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.
You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.
My wife and I were in the hospital with my 2 year old daughter who had a allergic reaction to a tomato...
Her face went red and her cheeks swelled up making her look just like a tomato.
After the nurse and my wife finished talking about her reaction, I just couldn’t help but blurt our “well, you are what you eat”
My wife eye rolled, the nurse just looked at me with a deadpan face and said “well done” and walked off.
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn’t come with a driver.
I can’t believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem
What's a professional and experienced drug overlord is called ?
When I was young, I was obsessed with the difference between a sine and a cosine.
Later, I realized it was just a phase.
What has three letters and starts with gas?
What starts with W and ends with T?
Went out last night and scored with this girl really easily
Guess she just wasn’t a keeper
Two French IT guys have come up with a new system to share files electronically.
It’s a Pierre to Pierre network.
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
Last Halloween a girl dressed as the grim reaper came to my door with messy hair and asked me politely to fix it.
That night, I had a brush with death.
Man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks....
"Do you sell flop flops?"
What begins with the letter W and ends with the letter T
A police officer just came to the door and said he was looking for a man with one eye.
I told him he would probably find him faster he used both.
My 6 year old daughter was listening to music with me and came up with this one: What is a bananas favorite Tom Petty song?
You Dont Know How It Peels
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My best friend just had a baby and said he can't hang around with me this weekend.
You've known the baby for only 1 day and mee for 16 years, but okay.
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
Finally took my chances and went put on the pull with my new aftershave called breadcrumbs
Complete success! The birds love it
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
My wife asked me whether I experimented with drugs and sex when I was in high school.
I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”
I experimented in high school with drugs and sex.
I was part of the control group.
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